This is getting ridiculous

[Chimera21]

I am very frustrated.

In March, I was working as a freelance writer with a 9-5 job in the surveying industry as well. I was laid off due to the downturn in the real estate market.

March was fine, la la, I have all this lovely time on my hands! - but now, things are not fine.

I have three freelance jobs, which I have not touched. I sleep fifteen or so hours a day, I am always tired, I do not want to get out of bed, when I wake up my first thought is typically along the lines of 'why?'. I might wake up after a 'normal' period of sleep but will lack the motivation to get out of bed or even open my eyes, and will lull myself back to sleep for several more hours.

I look for reasons to sleep. Sleeping is so nice and safe and warm and there are interesting dreams and no worries, etc.

I pass up possible social activities because I can sleep instead! Sleep has become my new favorite hobby. I tell myself this is because I am hopelessly lazy and have no willpower (which I suppose is true), but I think if I were really just /lazy/ I wouldn't be upset about it, worried about it, frustrated with it.

I used to knit and spin and ride my bike and walk places. I have not done any of those things for some months (save for a few 'utility' bike rides to, say, pick up groceries). In fact, I do not voluntarily leave my house, ever, unless my boyfriend or sister are involved. I don't go out for drinks, I don't go out for food, I don't go for walks, I just don't leave. It seems too overwhelming and a huge bother and inconvenience and instead I sleep. Or, I might sit on the couch and read about missing people which really does not help my mood.

This is not helping my job search. I know I should get a better job than previously, but I feel totally incapable of 'selling myself' to any sort of employer. Instead I halfheartedly looked for hotel jobs which, while a job, also made me feel like I was going to be treading water for the rest of my life and dying sad and unaccomplished after working for 60 years in low-level clerk positions. I used to believe in my intelligence and now I...don't really believe in anything, which I also blame on my just feeling sorry for myself.

I worry that I am just lazy and feeling sorry for myself and am only deepening my problem by worrying that I am lazy and feeling sorry for myself, leading me into lengthy circular mindf*cks of insanity. Which don't help. At all.

Oh! Also, I find myself being very negative regarding other's interesting ideas for no real reason! This new aspect of my personality is thrilling, really.

Anyhow, I am angry and frustrated and getting quite tired of existence in general. Oddly, typing all of this out seems sort of pathetic and futile, when I thought it would be helpful.

Live and learn

[Jennifer]

Hello:
Sometimes, we let ourselves get into a mood that we cannot get out of. In this instance, it takes internal motivation to get back into "your game". People that suffer from clinical depression cannot "just get motivated." There is a chemical inbalance in their brains that once their mood gets down, it is impossible to get back up again. There is a fine line between laziness and depression. It sounds like you want to live, just do not want to be bothered with life. Sounds some where in the middle to me. You should try to find a job so you have to get up everyday and start from there. It is hard for most to be self motivated.

[aliceyalice]

everytime life smacks me upside the head, i either want to crawl into my nice warm bed or into a video game...i also sleep ungodly chunks of my life away.

today i am trying to not go to bed early after trying to apply for a work-at-home job resulted in me finding out someone stole my identity to open a mortgage loan on my credit! boyfriend's answer was for me to disconnect form the unpleasantness by going into the virtual world of cathartic monster-killing that is his favorite drug of choice...Warcraft. i am resisting that impulse as well...lol

the job interview was the first one i have really pursued in over a year. and it most likely is a scam. the interviewer sent me four emails in less than an hour and the last one was about how much my 'nonrefundable background check fee' was going to be. i was kind of relieved that someone had stolen my identity at this point, because it is a nice excuse for saying 'no'. to the job (because i am not going to pay to get a job...how backwards is that...and it's not even a guarentee of a job!).

i don't know if i'm incrdibly lazy, depressed, or just have the worst luck in the world....

[Jennifer]

Yeah, sounds like a scam to me. I have been taken by them too. What's with the identity theft? Can you do something about that? I firmly believe that life puts challenges in our paths in order to make us better. If you could not handle the challenges, they would not happen to you.

Everyone has good days, bad days and awful days. That is the way it is supposed to be. There is no fairy tale of life, it is what you make it to be, so how would you like your life to be?

[aliceyalice]

the interviewer told me she wanted me to conduct a credit check on myself using annualcreditreport.com. so i googled that place before i entered any information to make sure it wasn't a scam. it was listed as the only online credit report agency that was approved by the FTC (Federal Trade Commision). so it was relitively safe. when i started the process, there were three companies listed that i could use to check the reports: expirian, trans-something-or-the-other, and equifax. i'd actually heard of all three (just never remember the full name of that middle one, lol) so i chose the first one and entered my info. it asked me to verify which bank i had opened my mortgage loan with in july of 2003. i've never applied for a mortgage loan, owned a home or a mortgage, so i thought.."hmmm...that's weird" but just chose the option that said "does not apply" and continued with the rest of the form. then that company said it could not verify my identity. i assumed it was because i haven't checked my credit since 2006, and decided to use the next company to check my credit. well, the same thing happened with the other two companies. i thought, "okay, now i'm getting concerned...all three companies are saying i took out a loan i never took out and can't confirm my identity. i finally got the final company to confirm my identity, by typing in enough information to fill a novel about myself in their zillion paged form. it didn't list who gave me a mortgage loan, or what address i had lived at, or even the complete amount of the mortgage. but i was so spooked that i called the FTC and Equifax to initiate a fraud alert on my credit. now i will be checking tomorrow with them to find out what else i need to do. from what i could gather from the 'confirm your mortgage' page, the loan was somewhere between $1700 and $2500 monthly. if this has been going on since 2003, there's five years worth of charges that i could be responsible for! that's between $102,000 and $150,000...yikes!

ohhh, now i can go to bed...it's 11 pm. i won't look lazy now!

lol

[Jennifer]

Keep me updated on your credit report. I am not sure what the laws are on paying back if your identidy is stolen. Hope you got a great night sleep. what are your plans for today? It is okay to be lazy if you want to be, but it sounds like you are tired of it and want to be productive again. You have done it in the past and you can do it again.