Tax Day Depression

[pizzazzle]

My situation is too shameful to tell anyone I know, so I very much appreciate this opportunity to share it with someone. Today I mailed IRS an application for an extension, which will likely be rejected, because I was too scared to fill in the part about how much I'm probably going to owe. You see, last year, I cashed in my entire retirement account (accumulated over 26 years) and spent it all, every last penny, well over $200,000. Some of it was well spent on my goddaughter's tuition to equestrian college, repairs on my home, and the cats I rescued. (I got them all fixed, vaccinated, and take good care of them, so no I'm not a hoarder, but now I'm too depressed to work on getting them adopted.)

Some of the money I squandered on the low-life con-artists I foolishly hired to work on my house. But, most of the money I frivolously squandered on compulsive spending for a bunch of stuff I didn't need. ANYWAY, so I spent ALL the money I had, and will probably owe IRS something like $50,000 or more. Who knows. So, now I'm completely terrified that I'm going to be sent to prison for income tax evasion while IRS sells my home to get my money. I AM SO Depressed THAT I CAN'T EVEN WASH MY DISHES LET ALONE START LOOKING FOR A JOB. I'm almost completely paralyzed from fear and depression. Every day is agonizing, and I would go ahead and kill myself except that I can't bear the thought of the poor cats waiting and waiting to be fed by no one.

I've been on Cymbalta for about a year and a half, but am still depressed. Last summer my psychiatrist put me on Abilify along with the Cymbalta, but the Abilify made me feel really sick, like I had the flu. I stuck it out for 10 days, then quit taking it, and haven't been back to see my psychiatrist, because I'm even too ashamed to tell her about my situation.

Here's some more possibly relevant background information. I am a 54-year-old woman who went through menopause about eight years ago. Around that same time, I caught my aerospace scientist husband of 15 years doing IV drugs in our home. I moved out, then back in after a year. (He had collapsed all his veins since he didn't know what he was doing, so he couldn't "shoot up" any more.) Even though he was no longer doing drugs, his year-long sabbatical of injecting himself with cocaine had completely changed his personality. Living with him was horrible as he had become mean, verbally abusive, and prone to violent outbursts (although he never actually hit me). During this time, I was still working as a university professor, where I had worked for 26 years and was a full professor with tenure. Because of the stress in my personal life, along with full-blown menopause, I was struggling with great difficulty to meet the intense demands of my job, and I began having serious health problems. I took a year of medical leave and was eventually diagnosed with Post-Polio Syndrome. Unable to return to work full-time, the university chose not to renew my contract. So, basically, after 26 years of service as a workaholic who devoted my life to my profession instead of having kids and working on my marriage, in 2004 I disgracefully bowed into the shadows of unemployment. I applied for long-term disability and was denied by the insurance company who claimed that my diagnosis was not satisfactorily documented, and that even if I did have it, it wasn't a debilitating enough condition. SO, my divorce was finalized in 2007 following a lengthy and agonizing process of selling and moving out of my home of 20 years.

Now I live alone with about 50 rescued cats in a very modest home on four beautiful acres. But, I'm too depressed to even go outside and enjoy it. I hate myself completely in every possible way, and every night go to bed wishing my heart would stop beating before I wake up again. I have no friends, and the only person who cares whether I live or die is my dad. But, he's 77, and I'm afraid of telling him the truth about what I've done for fear that it'll surely give him a heart attack. Right now, he's paying my utility bills and buying food for me and the cats. But, I'm terrified about what it might do to him if I have to go to prison and lose my home.

I pretty much can't stop crying and am just too ashamed to talk to anyone. My dad would probably pay for some online therapy if you think that would help. Do I need a different anti-depressant maybe? Should I try to find a new psychiatrist? I'm just not sure I can handle having to tell someone all this in person. It's all just too awful and I'm just too ashamed. If I could just figure out how to get the cats taken care of, I wouldn't even mind checking myself in someplace. At this point, my only plan is to try to hang on until my goddaughter finishes school and my dad passes away. I'm just so tired, physically achy, and all-around miserable, that just getting through each day is completely agonizing. I don't know how much longer I can take it. Please, please, please help me, someone.

[Jennifer]

Firstly, you will not go to jail for asking for a tax extension, the only people that go to jail for tax evasion is mobsters and they go because that is the only thing that they can usually get on them.

Secondly, Heck yes, online therapy would be helpful to you. You are in a rut that it does not seem as if you can get yourself out of on your own. We all have our reasons for doing things and you had yours, so what! It happened, you are where you are right now for a reason and its time to figure out how to crawl out of the hole that you are in.

[pizzazzle]

OMG, thank you SOOOOO much!!!!!! I can't tell you how much it helped to get that off my chest and then have someone tell me it's okay!!!!!!!! You are so wonderful and I am eternally grateful. I'm going to sign up for online counseling this minute. Thank you for taking the time to get back to me so quickly! Clearly I'm not ready to give up or I wouldn't have gone to the trouble to write all that. Your genuinely positive response has ignited a spark of hope that I can get better. Thank you again.

[Jennifer]

no probelmo, you have a great heart and are a good person, you will get back on your feet and learn from this experience.

[pizzazzle]

Gosh, it's been a long time since anyone said something so kind to me. The best part is that I believe you! I'm SO glad I found you and was able to motivate my fingers to post on the forum! I LOVE THIS WEB SITE!!!!! It is AWESOME!!!! I looked at lots of them, and yours immediately jumped out at me above all the rest!

[Jennifer]

thank-you for saying that, you already seem to be on the mend, glad to see that