Not sure where to start

[smilingangel]

First thank you Jennifer for my account.
I hate my self, my life. I don't know if this is the right spot but I figured it would work. I don't know how to start, I have so much I need to get off my chest. I hate my job. I work all day by myself in an office. Its in an office building and no one here talks to me. I am lonely. I have no friends becouse I have no social skills, and I have high anxity. I am afaid that I am going to say something wrong, and they aren't going to like me. I try to get along with eveyone, I am just so sad. I am suppose to be very happy right now, becouse its 15 days until I get married. I am happy, but not like I should be. All I can think about is everyone else, are they going to have fun, will eveyone like it? Is everyone going to be happy with what I am doing? There is more but you understaind. I have problems becouse gulp I was sexually abuse for a long time by my grandfather. I feel like I have to please everyone because if I didn't please him, he would telleveryone I didn't love him, and then I would get lectures about how I should be nicer to my elders. Whats so messed up is my Mom was abuse by him as well and still put me in his hands. I hate my mom for not doing anything about it. I still feel betraid. I am sorry about all of my spelling mistakes. I should probly stop but If I don't get it out now it probly won't get out! It(abuse) stoped when I was 18 and told my mom because I was afaid for her! She being a bitch, wasn't even touched, trust me I tried my best to keep him away from her, she goes to school and tells everyone that she was abuse, so once again we get checked on by cps. He goes to jail, finaly(my family were going to handle this w/in the family) and she gets all of the attenion. She was checked out and there was no damage, you could tell she hadn't been touched. I was riped up,my dr told me (after I was 1 when I finaly when in for a pap smear. I was so upset, he though I was just having ruff sex...I am crying. I am so upset... SO here I am today with no friends, a family who just isn't there, and I am triing to get married. AHHHHHHHH I just want someone who is going to listen to my problems and help me get thru the day. I have such bad mood swings that one dr suggesed that I was bi-polor. My grany has been in "the hospital" many times. She isn't bi-polor, just depressed. My mom is in denial about everything, although my dad says that she has worked thru all of her problems. I am sorry this is long. I don't know what to do. I want to be happy and not worry about the little things, I am tired of crying everyday, I just want to be happy, but I don't know how.

I am so sorry its choppy
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[Jennifer]

Firstly, you do not need to apologize to me. Congrats on your nupitals. Tell me about him? How did you too meet? How does he make you feel?

[smilingangel]

He is wonderful. He puts up will all of my problems. He is so kind, and sweet, he is a big teddy bear. We meet online, 6 yrs ago in a yahoo chat room. I wanted to know what all the hype was becouse my first bf my very first bf left me for a girl in TN, that he was talking to online. I was 17 he was 24. We were just online friends to start with and then when I turned 18 and headed off to collage I decide I would meet him. I fell in love with him on the spot. I won't ever forget his shock when he first meet me. I had sent him a very bad photo because that was the only one I had. His jaw just droped when he saw me. I love him so much. He makes me feel safe, like no one can hurt me again. I can tell him anything and he won't think any thing bad about what I say. He is there when I need to cry and he is there when I throw a fit. I couldn't/wouldn't be here in my life with out him, He is the first person who actually listen to my problems and try to help me. I had told other people about my abuse, but no one care about how it was affecting me, but him. He is my everything. When I am really down and think about hurting my self, Its him and my little brother that keep me from doing anything stupid. I love him with all of my heart!
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[Jennifer]

That is wonderful and he sounds like a great guy. For you to love you need to have something inside of you that allows you to open up to others. Your past did not wipe that from you and I am happy to hear about that.

Now, whats this about not talking to anybody at work?

[smilingangel]

I work in an office with my manager, who is never here. So its just me in this office. In the office across the hallway, is another company with two older emploies(sorry). They have been in that office for at least 25 yrs just the two of them. So they are stuck in there ways. I try to talk to them, hi, nice weather, but thats as far as it goes. SO I sit in a little room with just this computer to talk to, yes I anwser the phone but it hardly rings. Maybe 10-12 times during my 9 and half hours that I work. My boss only comes in if he need to get something, or wants to look up something on the computer. I am the body in the office getting paid by the hour, and not a lot. I hate sitting here all day with nothing to really do except look at the ugly brown partical board that is made to look like real wood.
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[Jennifer]

at least it gives you time to surf the web
what would you like to be doing fo work?

[smilingangel]

I have no clue. I hate sitting here all day. I really think its because I have nothing to do all day long. I really have no clue what I would like to being doing for work.
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[smilingangel]

I like playing with my 5 ferret, and taking pic. I couldn't become a vet, I wouldn't like to put animals down. I can't be a photographer because it takes lots of money to get the stuff you need to go to class with. I like the weather, but I have already been turned down to the collage in my region, twice to be exact, that offer those degrees. So what can I do with my life. Not much. I get bored easily. Things just aren't intersting to me.....
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[Jennifer]

how about some temp work to find out what interests you after the wedding of course, don't want you to make any sudden changes so close to the date.

your drifting and the way you talk makes it sound that you have no options which just not so.

look at career sites, do you do any voluneter work?any hobbies, interests?

[smilingangel]

Ha, tried that, the temp agenices don't have anything for me. Personal I think that they don't care and I am not skilled for much so why waste their time with me? I have already listed everything that I like. I am trying to voluneter at the closest ferret shelter, its in hour away, but so far I can't get up off my lazy butt to go over there There is always something else that needs to be done. and I really haven't had the money for gas. So....... I'm stuck.
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[Jennifer]

You are right, temp agencies don't care and nobody is going to care if you do not start caring about yourself and the decisions that you make. half the battle is staying positive.

Can you stay positive?

[smilingangel]

no I am not very good about being postive. I am always messing up things, so I am always trying to plan out how I can keep my self out of trouble. And by doing this I look at the bad points of just about everything.
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[smilingangel]

I have the problem of really not carring about things, I don't know how to make me care. I live in jeans and t shirts with my hair pulled back, glasses, and no makeup. If they don't like the way I look oh well. But there are days like to day that I want to look nice, but have nothing to look nice in. I have not cared for so long I don't even know what to do. When I start thinking about going "shoping" I start to flip out. There is just way to much for me to look at. I really want someone to hold my hand and tell me this is what looks good on you, and so on. I have no self confedice in myself. I feel like I will always fail. I know its not true, but I can't help thinking that.
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[Jennifer]

well, i would take what you are doing as a lack of others caring, but if you cared what others think then you would show them that by being someone that you are not.

You are being truthful to yourself and to who you are, sounds fine to me, doesn't need to change yet, work in progress,

[smilingangel]

You want to know something sad.........I can't even have a bachlette party because I have no friends! I am so upset over this. I can't belive I didn't have a 16th b-party, a 21 b-party and now I can't have a bachlette party. I am such a losser. What am I going to do. Will my bachlette party haunt me forever just like my 16th, and 21th birthday? I guess so....
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