No Hope

[lonely7]

I am 20 years old and my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me four months ago. We have been friends since we have broken up. I have had depression in the past [in high school] in which I would take a lot of pills, I don't know if it was a suicide attempt or not. Well in September [of this year], I had the worse depression ever, it lasted for like a month or so and I ended up losing 12 lbs., my hair fell out, i stopped going to classes and doing my work. Then I started [then abruptly stopped] seeing a counselor on campus, but I felt like she was just listening to me, and i'm a very impatient person, I wanted results. So I started reading the Bible and got very religious. I saw a whole 360 in my attitude and everything. I was so happy that my life was changing for the better. Then it happened. Out of nowhere, actually I think it had to with my PMS, I had another depression moment, but this time I had a panic attack. I even attempted to hang myself [not really trying to kill myself, just trying to bring myself back to reality]. Well it scared me shitless, so the next day I ran to see a counselor but the lady I saw did not help me at all. I had a panic attack in her office and she just said 'you look like you're in a lot of pain.' I'm going to see my old counselor when i go back in Jan. but I wanna know why I feel like this. At times I feel so worthless. I know it has to do with my mother, she used to and still does put me down. She's an alcoholic and I get caught in the crossfire. I keep telling myself that she can't help it. But what scares me, i mean, really scares me is that I see her in me alot. I DONT WANNA BE LIKE HER. I want happiness and i like who i am, i dont wanna be her! I know that the breakup had caused some of my grief but I want him in my life, rather i need him. Okay, sorry for being so dramatic but he IS the one...the perfect husband [to be]. I just messed everything up because I am so crazy in the head because of my mother. Now he won't take me back and I can't show him I have changed and that really hurts me. He broke up with me because 'he didn't wanna be in a relationship' but I know it had to do with me being so on/offish and not letting him be a man. God I wish I could turn back the hands of time. Not really, because I really have changed...I just wish he would give me a 2nd chance to prove it. It's like my mother was right...she told me I would never be happy.

[Jennifer]

Hey
sounds like you have done a lot of work on yourself and have learned a lot. Panic attacks come from not dealing with stress which turns into anxiety and then a panic attack. It is your body's way of saying CALM DOWN.

As far as depression goes, have you ever been diagnosed with depression. Some people have a chemical imbalance in their brains which prevents them from increasing or decreasing their moods without the right medication. Maybe you can talk to your counselor about that too.

Therapy only works if you work it which it seems like you did so I don't get the impatient part. Therapist's are there to empathatically listen and give minimal advise but she must have had an impact on you if you went out and started helping yourself.

[lonely7]

Yea but my panic attacks affect my life, is there anyway I can do something about it? I just wanna be normal, like all the other girls. I just really, wanna know, should I remain friends with my ex since I know that although he helps me when I am in pain with other things in my life, he causes me some pain, like I don't really wanna go back to school in Jan. because I dont wanna hear about him and this new girl [even though he said it's not serious]. I used to think he broke up with me because he wanted to see what else was out there being that we were each other's first significant others. However, I think thay my chemical imbalance and panic attacks and depression and suicidal ideations really have ran him away. He said he wants to be my support system and care for me, he just doesn't wanna be romantically involved with anyone. But he's making out and wanting to spend the night with the other girl. That shows me that he just doesn't wanna be intimate with ME. He doesn't want ME. I feel like i'm just a charity case. And it's all because of my hormones, imbalances...because i'm crazy! And I hate it!!

[Jennifer]

hey
sounds like you do need to go back to school and stop trying to be friends with the ex, sounds like it is not healthy at all for you.

[lonely7]

but he's my only supporter..hes my best friend.

[Jennifer]

you are eventually going to do what you want and it sounds like you want him in your life so it is up to you to decide how to handle having him in your life.