Need help!

[Jennifer]

cutting is a form of coping and as you know so i don't have to tell you a very unhealthy way of coping. kindof figured when you said that about the scars on your legs.

i know this is not easy but you need to stop living your life for others. the hard part is out and as long as you can get the help that you need that is all that matters.

glad it is out in the open and who knows you might sleep and if you don't then there is always tomm

[Dramaschoolgirl]

I know it's not very healthy at all but it just makes me feel so alive and real and i think it's also because i cut in places that nobody else can see it's almost like a challange in a way which i know sounds really stupid. But the fact that i can keep it hidden from everyone makes me feel like i've achieved something you know. But i think that they will find out next year because i will have to show my legs which i why o haven't cut there in so long just trying to let everything heal.

I get told that quite a lot that i shouldn't live my life for others. There was a time a few months ago where one of my best friends was my entire world. I did everything for him and lived my life around him and got absolutly nothing in return. But i felt guilty for abandoning him because he was the only person, that knew every single thing about me. But i have only spoken to him on and off since i left my drama school because that was where he was and i wan't really enjoying the drama school any more. And i feel so much better because i have started a new drama school a few weeks ago and it's great because i have peple there that i have made great friends with and then i am looking forward to Stella Mann (that't the drama school i am going to) because it's a whole new start. New home, new carreer, now friends. A whole new me.

Didn't sleep at all last night. But as you say there is always tommorow. It's realy wierd whenever i type a word or something that is very familiar to me, i get these almsot flashback type things. Dunno why. Just like memories that have happened that centre around that word and thoughts about what would happen in that situation. Like the other day when you said shout at a passing train.

Jess
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If pain is something we can block out, why does it hurt so much?

[Jennifer]

dejavu is about your brain slowing down and remembering.

sounds as if you have a lot to look forward too in the future and that is great to hear. you will need to find a new way to release your anger/energy besides cutting and i'm sure you know that.

you might throw yourself into other people because there is not too much that you like about yourself. what do you like about yourself?

[Dramaschoolgirl]

As i assume nothing isn't an answer. The only thing that i can think of is the fact that i have the ability to make people laugh when they are down. I am everyone's agony aunt and so can make other people feel happy even if i feel bad inside.

I have finished sorting my room today which is good because it feels like i have done what i set out to do.l

The deja vu think is just really wierd. But oh well maybe it's helpful because it makes me think back on the past so that i can understand what went wrong and what went right so that i can continue to put that into practice.

I might have another part time job soon which is good as then i will be able to be better prepared for next year as i will have some money to pay for uniform and books and things.

Jess
_________________
If pain is something we can block out, why does it hurt so much?

[Jennifer]

all sounds good

[Dramaschoolgirl]

Why does it hurt so much? Why is it always when things are just starting to sort themselves out that a crane comes along and pulls out the ground from beneath your feet. I feel like i'm falling into the pit of hell and i want to scream out for help but there are millions upon millions of hands pulling me down and holding my mouth closed. I can hardly breathe and i want to just watch the blood rolling down my arms.

Everything was going so well and then he had to turn up and ruin everything. My friend Adam that i told you about before. We all went out earlier to have a leaving party for my drama school and i was invited. And when i walked in they were having a meal (i just went to have a drink with them after the meal) and they just sat there and looked at me and so he turned around and said, why don't you just go wait outside. So i did and i sat on my own until one of my friends came and said that i could sit down if i wanted to, so i follwed her in and then sat there talking and everything seemed fine then he kept on looking at me and giving me this look that just said why ae you even here. Then when we all went and sat outside he kept on making snide comments about me, saying that he didn't like what i was wearing, didn't like my hair colour. Then when i was talking about drama school he started saying how it was going to be hard for me, then as i walked by him to go to the bar he said 'and i don't think you can expect to go to drama school in your current state' i looked at him not quite knowing what he meant and he prodded me in the stomach and said ' i wouldn't finish that drink if i were you.' And so i went and sat with everyone else just letting it slide until i got home.

Then when i got home i cried for ages and then i was an idiot again as per f*****g usual and now i am in bed trying to get to sleep but feeling like c**p and my in pain. Another blowing of steam post i do believe. (Sigh) He just makes me sooooooooooooo angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry

Jess
_________________
If pain is something we can block out, why does it hurt so much?

[Dramaschoolgirl]

Just to point out that i am not going to do that to my arm, just having a grr moment and thinking out loud.

Jess [/url]
_________________
If pain is something we can block out, why does it hurt so much?

[Jennifer]

yes, i can see why he gets you angry but if he acts that way to you, doesn't seem like there is too much reason to spend your time and energy getting angry.

he is probably scared and upset that he might lose contact with you so he is lashing out. not an excuse to do it but when someone is that mean there is a reason behind it. still hurts and good for you for venting out loud instead of cutting.

[Dramaschoolgirl]

I felt to much better after writing that email and i don't know whether it felt better than cutting, but it felt almost the same, and i would prefer to vent into my journal rather than vent on my self.

Just thought that i would send the second post just to let you know i'm not completely insane. Not yet anyway. lol

Jess
_________________
If pain is something we can block out, why does it hurt so much?

[Jennifer]

glad to hear, my humble theory is that we have different levels of sanity some days its higher than others

keeping things in as you have for so long is bad for the self and it always comes out whether its unhealthy or healthy. glad that you are choosing healthy ways to release your frustrations.