Need help!

[Dramaschoolgirl]

I am going through a hard time at the moment and just need some advice on what to do. I don't know whether i actually have depression, like i haven't been formally diagnosed but i feel down all of the time. I haven't slept now for two or three days and that is a pretty normal occurance. I have panic attacks and feel really paranoid all the time. Every time the phone wrings or the doorbell goes i start to panick and it's like i can't breathe. I think this is because i went through a difficult time at school last year because i was falling aslep in class and they thought i wasn't eating. etc etc. My relationship with food is an interesting one, sometimes i go for days without eating a single thing, then i won't stop eating for like a week. And it just keeps bouncing back and forwards. My weight is fairly stable though because of this, but i am worried that in september when i go to drama school i am going to be doing a lot of excercise and my diet will be being watched a lot that i may just stop eating all together or cut back drastically and i don't really know if i want that to happen.

As far as getting out all of these emotions, i tend to talk on my skin rather than with words if you understand what i mean. I find it hard to talk to people face to face so i tend to just isolate myself and keep all my emotions bottled up inside. I have taken some of the questionaire things on this website and it is saying that i have depression and anxiety and a possible eating disorder, but i just don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Part of the reason that i haven't got help before is because i am a) to scared, because i don't want to be on drugs or anything for it because that scares me b) because i can afford it sort of but only for a few sessions and i don't know if i would be able to sort eveything out in that short amount of time. And finally c) if my parents found out about anything that i was doing or the fact that i wanted to get help they would flip and my life would just slowly fall apart around me.

Please help

Jess
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If pain is something we can block out, why does it hurt so much?

[Jennifer]

sounds as if your life is already out of control. As far as medication goes, I always like to use the example that if you had diabities or a heart condition and your doctor told you that you had to take medication, would you do it? Same with depression meds.

As far as panic attacks go, that is under the umbrella of depression and it is when your body tells you that it cannot take any more.

Do you have health insurance? I know medication can be scary, but what you are feeling must be scary too. Good for you for trying to take care of yourself and getting better.

Are you inbetween hs/college or is drama school something different than college?

[Dramaschoolgirl]

I know your right about the diabetes thing, but i guess it's more about me admitting to having the problem in the first place which scares me more than the medication. Which i know is stupid but it's the ony reason i can think of.

I don't have health insurance, i am really trying to take care of myself but sometimes it just gets to much. Especially as i always seem to be ill or in pain somewhere, but i guess that is partially to do with the not sleeping and the apallling diet (sigh)

Drama school is like university, you come out with a degree at then end of it but arty people like to be difficult and have different names for everything. I am starting my first year in September so i guess i am in between school and there. I have just finished year 13 at sixth form. Doing 5 A-levels. Which is strange as most people only do 3, but because i was a 'special' case i was allowed to do 5.

Jess
_________________
If pain is something we can block out, why does it hurt so much?

[Jennifer]

If you live in England, shouldn't you have universal health care. Yes, I know about fear and pain and they can hold you back especially when you feel the way you do. When you are depressed, I mean clinicial depression. Which means that you have a chemical imbalance in your brain, just as in diabities where your suger level cannot be regulated. Taking care of yourself is hard enough, but when you feel the way you do it is nearly impossible to do.

[Dramaschoolgirl]

We can get stuff through our healthcare system, but that means going to the doctors, cause you have to get a referal to go and see another doctor, who has to assess you and then you can get help. But there is nowhere near where i live so i would have to tell my parents where i was going, but also most of the places that i have looked at so far are fully booked, it seems that a lot of people in my area are feeling down at the moment. Figures.

Yeah, i do worry about the fact that i find it hard to express myself sometimes, because i feel so bad i'm scared that what if oneay i get pushed too far you know? I have managed to control my behaviours so far,but if someone found out about them, i don't know what i would do.

It may sound like a strange question but what time is it where you are? I just wondered what time this forum closed for today.
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If pain is something we can block out, why does it hurt so much?

[Jennifer]

i'm in est 7:41, not always online, just happen to be tonight.

i'm sure its an ordeal to get a referral, but would be a necessary step. what is scariest part about telling your parents? why do you believe they would not be supportive?

[Dramaschoolgirl]

oh ok. It's really wierd being in different time zones, its 00:47 here. lol

I guess your right, it's just getting the courage to do it.

I don't think that my parents won't be supportive, but i am scared what there reaction will be. I know dad will be fine about it, because anything i tell him he is great about it, but mum is really controlling and i am almost scared to talk to her about anything.

I think that maybe she will blame it on herself and then she will turn it into something that it isn't and it will all just get blown waaaaaaaaaaaaaay out of proportion and i just think that it would be easier to suffer in silence. But i guess in a way admitting to the problem is the first step so thats a good thing in a way.

And also they have done so much for me that i don't want to dissapoint them or make them think that i am not grateful for everything that they have done. They are paying a lot of money for me to go to drama school and at the moment i am trying to find the money instead because i don't want to hear for the rest of my life, we paid all that money and this is how you repay us?

The thought of it is just to much to bare.

Also, do you know any way to stop myself from getting to the stage where i get wound up and panicky and start having panick attacks and things? I think if i could control the emotion it might help for now until i can figure out how to get rid of it you know?
_________________
If pain is something we can block out, why does it hurt so much?

[Jennifer]

just by the couple of correspondences that we have had, you have a way of keeping things in and the more you keep in, the more you have to build up, need to get it out, by trying to get things out, if you are going to drama school you must be creative so i'll let you come up with a way to get your worries, anxieties out.

maybe you should talk to your dad first and see how that goes, than talk to your mom

[Dramaschoolgirl]

You noticed that huh? The thing is, like i can dance and sing and act, i even write monologus and play scripts, and i can express every single emotion under the sun and it is completely real to me and from the heart. But as soon as it comes to talking about my problems and me, i just seem to close down and it's like i can't actually say what the problem is i just have to find my way around it. Like if i'm helping other people (which happens quite often) i can give them all the advice under the sun and it helps them and that's why i'm the agony aunt of england. lol.

But as soon as it comes to helping myself i can't do it. I tried to write a letter to myself once as if i was one of my friends and i just couldn't think of anything to say. I was like what's wrong with me? I think part of the problem is that every time i try to express myself i get the feeling in the pit of my stomach of fear for some reason. I don't know why?

Sometimes i feel like i want to just shout everything from the rooftops and get it all out and feel a hell of a lot better afterwards, but then when i try it's like there's this whole other person inside of me that just refuses to talk. i just want to find a way to talk that doesn't involve hurting myself. Cos i know when someone finds out, which obviousley in the end they will, it's going to be the hardest moment of my life.

Jess
_________________
If pain is something we can block out, why does it hurt so much?

[Jennifer]

the hardest person to find out is you and you already know. screaming from the rooftop sounds good! or write a play about what is going on and act it out, other people have their own problems and you are much more hypersensitive to what is going on than how other people feel.

go scream at a train in the rain

[Dramaschoolgirl]

Screaming at a train sounds like fun. Hehe.

I am going to have to go for today the internet here turns of at 1:50 and that is the time in 8 minutes so....

I will think about how to deal with th anxiety and things, hey maybe tomorow i will be able to actually talk about something (sigh)


i was thinking about writing a list of everything that is wrong, put it into perspective. i think if that happened, then i would be able to see what i can sort out now, then all of the other things would slowly start to fall into place.

Speak to you soon

Jess
_________________
If pain is something we can block out, why does it hurt so much?

[Jennifer]

sounds like a good plan

[Dramaschoolgirl]

Ok i made the list. So here goes...

1) Anxiety: i feel nervous and paranoid all of the time and i am scared to go to sleep because of the nightmare's that i have and i am scared to wake up because i don't want to have to face another day.

2) I feel really angry all the time. I rarely go a day when i don't feel angry about something. For example today mum started havng a go at me again because i hadn't come down from my room that morning yet. And i got so angry so i ran upstairs and hid myself away because i didn't want to shout back at her, so i ook myself away from the situation instead.

3) I used to get very badly bullied atschool both physically and emotionally and i am still scaed tht it might happen again and i still can't get over the impact that it had on my life at the time and how it is going o affect me for the rest of my life.

4) I have a really strange fear of death. I am scared of the thought of dying, but i don't really care if i do actually die, i certainly dont want to go on living this way any more. I'm not suicidal i don't think, i just want the pain to end.

5) I feel depressed and down all of the time, it's affecting my every day life without a doubt because it means that every morning when i wake up it's like i think oh great not another day. And i hate feeling that way, i have lost the joy out of all the things that used to fill my life with joy and happiness.

6) My eating is slowly getting worse, yesterday i had a small wrap and that was it and then afterwards i went and played badmington for two hours. I felt so weak by the end of it that i thought i was going to pass out. I have now gone on another one of my 'diet' plans, although why i don't really know. I am just so scared of putting on weight now, cause i know that mum will be dissapointed in me as she said that i was putting on a bit to much weight which wouldn't be good when i went to drama school. But also i don't want to be the biggest girl in dance class.

7 Insomnia: i know that i have something like it anyway. But now rather than just not being able to sleep when i try, it's like i put of even trying to go to sleep for as long as i possibly can because it just saves me any more pain. I need to sleep soon because it is starting to impair my judgements and i keep on seeing things at night, things moving around my room in the shadows. And it scares the hell out of me.

I also wrote on my list JESS. Because i am the problem! I don't understand why all this is happening and everyone else is blaming me and saying that i am not doing anything right etc etc. So therefore how can i blame anyone else for everything that has happened when it is e that is doing everything wrong.

9) There is one final thing that i put on my list, which i have spoken about a little bit but for some reason i can't bring myself to say what it actually is. (Sigh)

Jess
_________________
If pain is something we can block out, why does it hurt so much?

[Jennifer]

so, what does this all sum up too? What would you like to start working on, are these in order of any kind, should they be?

[Dramaschoolgirl]

This all sums up me really. This has all been going on for so long that it has just come a part of me now. They aren't really in an order of any kind, i just wrote them out as they came to me. I guess if i could start working on the old memories like the bullying and the nightmares and sleepless nights that i keep on having then the anxiety and depression might start to ease slightly.

I have to say i felt better after last night, it felt good to finally start to get it off my chest. But i know it sounds wierd but i've been thinking a lot. That's probablly my biggest problem i think to much . I just feel like everything is starting to turn around and you know i might actually be able to see a light starting to form.

Jess
_________________
If pain is something we can block out, why does it hurt so much?