Need advice please..... on love, life, and myself

[user0720]

Hi

I have been dealing with depression for the longest that i could remember.

+ Abused as a child physically and mentally... now i am dealing w/ a low-self esteem.
I see myself in the mirror and all i see is a pathetic loser trying to find her purpose in life.

+ I rebelled after the age of 14. Got caught in drugs, alcohol, and sex. Became very addictive to all 3 which later led to many problems. Fights at home, illnesses, and mental issues got worse.

+ At age 16 I went out with a guy for 2 years who at first i thought i was madly in love with, but turned out to be he was a lieing asshole who just took advantage of me. Depression increased and I hit the bottle harder.

+ Met a guy a few years later and felt that i was on my feet. I was suicidal at that point. We drank, did drugs, and had sex plenty of times throughout the day... that was our happiness. I was 19/ 20.

+ Later, God came in the picture and my life turned all around. This was very new to me and lately i have been getting into reading what the bible has to say and getting to know religions out there. I have now became very spiritual, and have came to believe in higher powers because of all that i've see and dealt with in my life. With that said the fact that sometimes an answer is taking too long to be answered depresses me and drives me insane. I don't know what to do in the meantime.

+ The guy who i thought brought me to my feet again semi-did. I was so happy with him. But when i went on and became fond of religion(s) / spirituality everything changed. Verbal fights bursted out, violence went overboard, and our relationship just started falling apart. I didn't want to consume alcohol, do drugs, or have sex any longer. I wanted to better myself and wanted him to do the same because or lives were going to a rott! (literally) He said he was going to change too, but after a year he never did. In that year we were going out on and off. The lies were constant, and the fights continued. I was dumb to believe he was going to change with me. I loved him soo much, but i couldn't be with him. He wanted to keep on drinking like a maniac, using drugs to the max, and having sex all the time.... living the party life. It depresses me because that was my life! i loved that life! and now i don't want it because it's not doing me any good besides its for my spiritual purposes too. It's hard to keep looking straight forward.... everything always comes back to him, my past when i felt happy.... and miss him and that life terribly. but why???? i ask myself that all the time and the best i could come with is me being in love.... but it's so stupid because staying with him wasn't going to lead me anywhere good. All the people that i know, know him as well.... and of course are living the party life. I'm backing away from it and them slowly and trying to meet new people.... but it's so hard because i have trust issues. After all the alcohol use, drug use, and physical violence i got into caused me to have major anxiety and bad motor skills so i get very irritated easily because i can't communicate well without me wanting to punch, break or scream and loose it right there at that moment. So me attending a social group for help will prob kill me of a nerve/ anxiety attack. Hence why i am writting on here at my own pace instead. Even yet i feel like breaking my laptop just because i can't control my anger at times.

+ I get suicidal at times. Even more because i know once a problem gets solved, another always comes along! It drives me insane.... i can't stand life sometimes. It's so hard to deal with at times. It's like i forget all the morals, techniques, or whatever useful sources when times get hard. I literally loose my mind. I can't drink alcohol or use drugs to numb the pain any longer because my health is at a intense decline because of all the stuff i've done during my past, so i don't know how to substitute drugs and alcohol. Its so freakin hard! What should i do............? I know everyone has issues and we all have to deal with them, but what words, items, or anything should i do when times get hard besides looking towards religion / higher powers? I need something to keep me going here on the ground from higher powers or words of wisdom. Thanks for reading and i surely do hope i can get some sort of advice/ help in return. Thank you for your time. Even more since this is a free therapy forum. God bless.

[Jennifer]

Hello:
Seems as if you are doing everything that you need to be doing and you just need confirmation. Your life could have ended up three ways, death, prision or rehab. You chose rehab and good for you to want to live even though sometimes it seems too hard to try.

Also good to realize that all you were doing was numbing the pain by drinking/drugging and now at your age you need to learn coping skills, real ones.

It is not good to keep all of that anger inside of you and you need to find productive ways to get it out. Besides reading the bible have you found any other means of relaxing?

[Perception]

Hi,

It may not work for you but for what I went through my only release is writing. With a pen a paper there is no need to censor yourself or rephrase things to suite the listener and best part is that you dont need to read it when ur done if you think it might be too much.

Since then i've cultivated my writing into poetry and only recently did I feel brave enough to share most of them.

Just to give you an idea but I do hope you find something that works for you.

S.

[Jennifer]

Great suggestion perception! Glad to hear that you can help others through what you have been through.

[prelandra14]

you sound like my boyfriend's mom
_________________
Ray P.

[Lynn74]

I've been through my own set of problems and found that hobbies like writing and music kept me sane for all these years. writing and playing music gave me an outlet to express myself in different ways. Much like you were writing to this forum, continue to write to release the tension you are feeling. believe me it works wonders! Have you ever seen the movie Perfect Holiday? it has Queen Latifah and LL Cool J in it. Queen Latifah's character kept a book she called the book of possibilities. she put in pictures of places she wanted to go, recipes she wanted to try, people she wanted to be with (her crush). The whole idea sounded so good to me, I started my own book! I decorated the front of a 3 ring binder and put pictures of what I would want my dream house to look like, the keyboards I'd want in own studio and things like that. Something more tangible helps me put things in focus at times. I know how you feel. That's why I started the book. Hope this helps you , and good luck!