Need Help and can't afford professional help

[Jeseabell]

Hello,
I am not sure where to start. I am exteremly down lately to the point where no one wants to be around me. I recently got out of a 7.5 yr relationship which was completely horrible but it doesn't make me feel any better. I hate my self and I always have. I have been having a really hard time sleeping lately and the more time passes the worst I feel. I need help cause I can't live this way but I can not afford real help plus I had a horrible time at a shrink the last time I went 7 yrs ago. I don't know how this site can help or again what to say but I can not live liek this. What should I do?

[Jennifer]

Hello:
Glad to hear that you are trying to figure things out. Tell me about the relationship? If you were in a relationship for 7 years and it was awful, you might be feeling the after effects of the relationship.

[Jeseabell]

Iam not sure what to say. We got together pretty young and we fell for each other at a time we were both trying to get away from drugs. We both became dependate on each other pretty quick and then a few yrs after we where together we started drinking a lot. He got violent breaking furniture, punching holes in the walls. He even had a run in with the police and got beat up really bad at one point. Eventualy we both got violent towards each other. The whole time I am finacely providing for him, and I got pushed into cosigning for a car for him where he completely destroyed my credit. I was constantly doing everything I could for him and he kept taking. I really think he was unintentionaly using me. This last year I ended up with two black eyes and had been pretty miserable for yrs. We started to pull away from each other he slept in the front room and stopped eating and lost over 100lbs. I was crying a lot. Finaly with the help of a friend I cut way down on my drinking and am still workign on it and I finaly told him it was over. He keeps wanting to work things out with me but I really can't do it anymore. I feel like I can't trust people anymore. That the only mistake I made was trying to help someone I loved and he took and destroyed everything about me. I know I let it all happen and it was my choice so it is all my fault.
Now I just feel horrible about everything I do and I feel like helpping people is wrong and helpping him put me in this situation.
I have horrible credit, I have a $10,000 debt in my name, I feel like a complete failure in my school and work everything is just falling apart and I don't even know how to live for myself. I have always lived for others.

I am just not sure is it wrong to help the ones you love over your own needs??

I know I am being pretty vague but I dunno how to explain it with out going over my whole relationship

[Jennifer]

You did a great job explaining and you have every right to feel angry and upset at the world right now. Glad to hear that you are cutting down on the drinking and resisting getting back together with him. That alone shows your strength and ability to move forward. I coined a phrase awhile back "IF YOU SAY YES TO OTHERS YOU SAY NO TO YOURSELF" there has to be a balance between how much you give to others and how much you give to yourself and to start with you have to give 100 percent to yourself because you have neglicted yourself for so long and then if you have any left over, you give to others.

Whats with school/work?

[Jeseabell]

Work is ok I guess it is just I broke down a couple months ago while my boss was here so now my buisness is just out there for everyone to know. Even if I am just tired or anything I am asked whats wrong and how I am doing. It is nice that people care but constantly having it brought to me at work doesn;t help infact it makes me feel uncomfortable and worse at times. Now everytime I am having a rough day I am worried about my job cause your not supposed to bring personal problems to work. But it really hard when I just can't consintrate on anything anymore. Even today I came in 30min late and I was in tears for hours after I got here. Luckly I had to be in the office anyways to do ordering but that kind of behavior is not exceptable especialy for a manager.
School I just feel like a failure and I am going no where. I am 26 yrs old and even if I get a degree that doesn't garuntee me a job. I am studing art and I really don't think I am that good. I have stopped going now for two semesters and I really need to decide what to do with my life before it is to late. It just seems like there is way to much going on right now and I can't work on it all at once but I also can't just put any of it off.
Even my pets are starting to get neglegtad because I get so upset.

[Jennifer]

maybe it is apparent to you, but not to me what are you so upset about?