My life...

[kyndall92]

Hi... my name is Kyndall and I'm 17.

I'm kind of new at this so I guess I'll just start talking.

I don't know what to do anymore. I have been cutting myself everyday and every time I do it, I feel like I need more. I used to feel bad about it, but now it's just become a habit. I want to get out of it, but I don't even know where to start. My dad hates me. I'm NEVER good enough for him no matter what I do. I'm in the top 10% in my class and have a 4.43 GPA and he said I could do better. I don't break the rules and I'm not a bad person... but he makes me feel like one. He never even talks to me half the time even though we live in the same house. My grandma also hates me... she has told me to my face. I haven't done anything to her and if I had, I would admit it... but it's so hard every time I have to see her. And then I end up cutting. No one even knows... people think I'm some perfect person with this perfect life. People tell me all the time I'm too good and they want to be like me... if only they knew how I felt on the inside. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't keep hiding all this...

[Jennifer]

You are the ideal canditate for cutting, over acheiver with low self esteem. You mentioned your dad and grandma, any positive support in your life? any close friends? are you a senior or junior? are you going to college?

don't have to tell you how dangerous cutting is to you and that it is only a temporary release and does not fix anything. I am sure that your family is hard on you, but it sounds as if you are harder on yourself. Why the need to be (appear) perfect?

[kyndall92]

My mom was positive support... but she is sooooooo busy. She is back in school getting her degree so my parents can get a divorce (my dad has had an affair for the past 9 years) and is always swamped with tons of homework. I have 2 brothers and a sister and they don't know about the affair. Only me.

And I've lost so many friends. I switched churches recently and it just caused so much unnecessary drama... but I am close with my youth pastor's wife who has been praying with me a lot about cutting... I just can't seem to stop though.

I am a junior and yes I can't wait until college.

And I don't know... I guess I just feel like people expect that from me. I'm the one all my friends come to with their problems... and I think that kind of weighs in on my feelings of depression as well. And then one time someone told me to stop pretending like I was upset because they knew there was nothing wrong because I had a perfect life. Like no joke, someone actually said that to me... so ever since then, I just hide everything.

[Jennifer]

Firstly, I am sure that if your mom knew that you were in trouble, she would take the time to help you so don't assume people are not there for you. That is a burden to know about your dad's affair and not say anything. Did the cutting start around the time you found out?

Why the change of church? Are there good people at the new church? sounds as if just praying is not working for you (about to say cutting it for you but that sounded inappropriate)

I realize that this is harder than it is just to write but you cannot base your life on what other people say about you. Everyone has problems and there is NOT one person that I know that has a so-called "perfect" life, even me. It is just how you deal with yoru problems is how you get through the day.

You chose cutting and that will lead to trouble eventually. Can you chose a different path to deal with your problems?

[kyndall92]

Well, I didn't start until like 5 months after I found out... I think I kind of just tried to ignore it and then it finally hit me. But I mean, I did it once on my arm. My youth pastor from my old church saw it and she freaked out on me... she started crying and saying it was her fault. But it wasn't even that bad... it didn't bleed. And I promised myself I would never do it again... like seriously it doesn't solve anything. But then school started... I have been so stressed out this year. I'm taking 2 college classes and trying to balance that with normal high school classes, plus I'm in 2 choirs at school and I work. Put all that stress on top of junk at home... bad combination. It's just hard. I started cutting my stomach so no one would freak out on me again and it's just become a habit...

I changed churches because well I was just having some issues with my youth pastor and I had to stop going to youth events because I was so busy with school. And she would make me feel so guilty for not being there and there were days when I would come home from church crying... yes.. from church. So I decided I needed a change. And I love my new church. I'm getting a lot more out of it... it's just I feel like by me cutting myself again and again... sure I can ask for forgiveness and I know that God will forgive me... but the fact that I keep doing it over and over again just makes me feel so far away. I used to be such a passionate Christian... and I don't know what happened.

And I know there is no perfect person... I just don't want to freak people out by showing how I really feel you know? Like, I don't know how to describe it.

And I guess I need to find another way to deal with my problems... I just don't know of one.

[Jennifer]

how about you find a way to reduce your stress level. Sounds as if you have taken on more than any one person can handle and you are not handling it well. Every person can only do so much and you have stretched your limit.

Shouldn't tell everybody how you feel, but it would be good for you to tell at least one person that you trust so you can get a release besides cutting. Do you exercise, listen to music? What do you do for fun? Hobbies are stress relief and very important to your well being.

[kyndall92]

But I don't know how to reduce my stress level. I loooove singing and I'm not quitting either choir... I've worked hard to get into the top choirs. I can't quit working because I have to pay for my gas... and I have to take advanced classes to keep my GPA up for college...

And I normally exercise, but recently I haven't been able to. I listen to music all the time... for fun I hang out with my friends, go to Starbucks and write music...

And I do talk to my youth pastor's wife about everything. And I like talking to her but that doesn't keep me from cutting...

[Jennifer]

what keeps you from cutting. don't think reducing your activites will stop your cutting. It is how you feel about yourself that will stop it. I do believe that carrying the burden of your father's affair affects you greatly and that you have had to deal with more than you can handle.

You can rationalize that cutting is not the way to go, but something is preventing you to remember that when it comes time to do it. Have you tried another release of pain, say a rubber band around your wrist?

[kyndall92]

I haven't tried another release... what does a rubber band do?

[Jennifer]

you need to try different ways to get the release that you get from cutting such as exercising. the rubber band is for your rememberance not to cut. if you feel the urge to cut, then snap on the rubber band until the urge goes away.

[kyndall92]

Does that really work?? I guess that could be a good idea...

But what if it doesn't work? I don't want to get all upset about it... Ah today at school was so bad...

[Jennifer]

failure only happens if you see it that way. anything is better than what you are doing now. what happened at school?

[kyndall92]

I guess you're right... I'll try the rubber band thing for a while.

And yesterday at school... well first I was late. But I really wasn't late because first period I have my college classes off campus, and then on Fridays I don't have college classes so I don't have a first period. But I had to go make up a precalculus test yesterday and I mean my teacher didn't care I was a few minutes late, but these teachers in the hallway got so mad at me. But I was just like whatever... this is dumb and my day will get better. So I finish my test and then go to choir. Choir was fine and then I had to go to Physics... I HATE that class. Not so much because of the material we learn, but the people in the class. They are so mean. The guys were making jokes about having sex with me because I wear a purity ring... and they were making fun of me because I've never had any alcohol or done any drugs. And then they kept drawing me and them having sex and then throwing them at me. So that class finally ended and then I went to English and all we did was watch a movie and I just sat there and cried. And I also saw the guy from my old church who sexually harrassed me and it was super awkward.

But I don't know... I mean I don't even know if that's a big deal, but I just feel so vulnerable. And then when things like that happen it just makes me want to cut more and more and more. I just don't know what to do. I will try the rubber band thing for sure and see what happens. I'm just tired of crying all the time... I thought high school was supposed to be such a good time, and it's totally not.

[Jennifer]

anybody that has made it through high school will tell you that no it is not fun and once you do make it through you will look back on it with another perpective. those boys are jealous of you and your values and the only way to say that is to mock.

the more you write, the more you can understand why you cut. talk about the sexual harrasement.

the rubber band is just to help you, not an end of all cure.

[kyndall92]

Why would they be jealous? Like really...

Oh the sexual harrassment... it wasn't a big deal really. This guy kept texting me asking for nude pictures of me and saying he wanted to do all these things to me. And then when he would hug me at church, he would grab my butt sometimes... but I mean I didn't really think it was a big deal. I just feel weird when I see him now.