My Sad And Lonely Life.

[sadandlonely]

Well I'm 15. Since I was in the 8th grade (I'm in the 10th now) I have had this kinda problem with my mind. Its kind of like it goes into this other place. I get really sad sumtimes. Its the littles things that make me mad or sad. I ause to go to this place where it took my mind 2 days to get out of. Now I just think of ways I can kill the people I hate. I know tht I will never kill them but if I did. I kno excatly how I would do it. Thts bad. I shuldnt want too kill people but I cnt stop my mind from thinking it. There's some days tht I wish I was dead. Sometime I just want to die. Lik my life isn't good anyways so why am I here. I dnt amount to nothing too anyone but myself. I just have really bad days tht I kno won't get any better but they will get worst. I jus wish I could start my life over. I got this thing in my head tht tells me I'm not pretty and tht I have too have sex with my ex boyfriend still so he will get back wit me. I always feel lik a boy won't lik me unless I'm being freaky or something. I jus know there's another girl thts out there thts prettier than me. I shuldnt b feeling lik this but its hard and my mind just tells me things..
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Sad && Lonely

[Jennifer]

what is making you feel this way? you are talking about homicidal and suicidial thoughts all in one sentence and that concerns me greatly and the fact that you are underage gives me even greater concern. do your parents know how you feel? have you gotten help with your thoughts at any point?

[sadandlonely]

A lot of things have build up in me tht have made me think about bad things. The more I try to fix my problems the worst they get. I can't tell my parents about it because my mom she has cancer I can't stress her out wit more problems my dad he's just not someone you can talk too about things lik that. My sister its just going to get upset tht I have these problems. I haven't gotten help wit my problem. I don't kno where to turn. I don't have a car yet so I can't take myself and I can't tell my parents or my sister so they cnt take me. Thts y I'm trying this online thing maybe this will help a little.
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Sad && Lonely

[Jennifer]

what about a school counselor? guidance counselor? does anyone in your family suffer from any mental problems? how's your mom doing with the cancer? how long has she had it and how bad is it? what is your social situaiton like? do you have close friends, in a relationship? how's school for you, any hobbies interests that you are into? what makes you happy?

[sadandlonely]

We have a school counselor but he isnt someone that i could truely talk to about something lik this. This is the truth of the fact.. Im not someone who likes to talk it out wit people. I do have friends. I have 3 bestfriends that sort of know how im feeling but they dont know about everything. I dont want they to think of me as im going crazy so i dnt tell them the real depht of the problem. They dnt know about me almost comitting sucide whn in the 8. They dont know about me wanting my life to end. A boyfriend. We just broke up. Instead of him makeing it easier he made life harder. He cheated and he lyed to me almost all the tyme. That gave me the base of my self esteam problems.
My mom caught her cancer at a early stage so she went into remission after a year of kemo. she juss recently started havein the werid reactions againt. the itching. which shows a sign of cancer.
School is going really good. I ause to play basketball.
Basketball makes me happy. I Really love too play but i cnt becasue my mom wont let me also becasue she didnt want to go and watch the games nomore.
I dnt think anyone in my family has any mental problems.
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Sad && Lonely

[Jennifer]

if you learn how to open up and talk about your problems or express them in another way such as writing or art, you might feel better. Anyone that keeps things bottled up and doesn't have an outlet for things lets the stress get the better of them. Since no more basketball what else do you do?

[sadandlonely]

Basketball is the only thing I have ever been good at. I write a lot. I love writein. That is startin not to work anymore. I need a real person too talk to. (I think)
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Sad && Lonely

[Jennifer]

yeah i would think so too with all that you have been through but you will need your parent's permission to talk to a counselor unless you can talk to your counselor at school, it does help.