Medical Condition Fueling Depression

[Elle]

Hey all. I'm 21, and in college. When I was 16, I was diagnosed with epilepsy, and since then, the seizures haven't stopped. I've been through many medications and treatments, and frankly it's been hell.

I was told that since I was so old when the seizures started, that there was a chance they'd go away with time. I've spent five years just expecting that this awful problem would disappear eventually.

Last month, after more tests, I was told that it is permanent, and there's nothing to be done.

Now I don't know how else to describe what I've got other than calling it depression. I keep going to classes and work, but never do any homework or studying. I'm in a major that doesn't want epileptics, and was going for a career that CAN discriminate against disabilities. So, I keep thinking, what's the point?

I knew I was in trouble, so I went to different campus services. The Crisis Center, the Disability Services, and even Counseling. Every single one said they weren't equipped to help me. The couselor recommended me to a CHURCH for guidance.

Say what? No one -not doctors, not friends, not family- knows what to do with me.

I can't seem to get out of this funk. I don't know how to come to terms with the idea that I can't have the job I want, and can't have children. It's a pretty severe blow to be dealt at 21.

I can feel this actively destroying my life. And all I can think about is what my life would be like if I didn't have seizures. I'm not crying and moody, I'm just... indifferent. I've become a "whatever" person, when I used to be one of those irksome optimists.

Okay, so... how to fix this sort of depression? (Meds are obviously out, because of how many anti-seizure drugs I'm on.) I'm out of ideas.

Thanks for any suggestions,
Elle

[Jennifer]

Hey

sorry to hear about the diagnosis for long term and even more sorry that you reached out for help and got shot down, I'm sure that didn't feel so good. What was/is your major? You said no job/children was that part of what your doc said?

What you are feeling is part of a grieving process of one life that you had and one that you will have and it would be scarier if you were okay with all of this and just accepted it for what it is. Do you want to accept your fate? Are you done with doctors and trying to find alternative methods to help yourself? Does the medication that you are on keep the seizures away?

Lets start there.

[Elle]

I'm in nuclear engineering. (Really.) I've always aspired to work at nuclear reactors, and they are very much allowed to give physicals and, by law, any job that requires a physical before hiring is allowed to discriminate against disabilities.

The kid thing is non-negotiable. My first job was at a nursery, and I just adore children. When the seizures started I quit doing that immediately. I find anyone with an uncontrolled seizure disorder who decides to have children is grossly irresponsible. Children need to be held, to be bathed, to be carried.

I trust my doctors enough to believe that I'm out of options, treatment-wise. They've done test after test, and say my brain is completely healthy and 'clean.' ie: They can't find what's wrong, and thus can't fix it. The drugs help (although they make me severely fuzzy-brained), but I have frequent "breakthrough seizures" which we've been unable to stop.

I feel like I NEED to accept my fate, and can't. I can only make plans for my future if no seizures are involved. When I try to dream up goals including the seizures, I get nothing.

[Jennifer]

sounds like a cool job/career you are planning. I am glad that you are dreaming of a non seizure life because eventually they have to find out what is wrong with you, how can you give up when you haven't even been given a complete diagnosis. Medicine is getting better and better everyday and they will find out what is causing this and help you cure it or at least manage it.

have you thought of other majors that interest you?

If I was you, I wouldn't beat myself up so much and just let the feelings come naturally, whatever they might be. Trying to be happy when your not is not going to make you happy. Are you a writer? If so, it might be helpful to keep a journal or a blog about how you are feeling everyday and rate your feelings/days from 1-10 one being the lowest and see how you are really doing.

You give me the impression that you still have some fight left in you so I'm thinking you are doing better than you give yourself credit for.