Maybe i'm doing something wrong?

[Jennifer]

Is your mom open to moving? Sorry to hear about the mri results, but i think its great that your mom is taking courses, you never know what can happen.

so, what are you going to do this summer?

[ciadow]

ironically she is taking courses on psychology and substance abuse. =]
and she is the one that keep asking me, saying we should move out of the city, but then she doesn't want to ruin me and schooling again since i kind of like it here again. but i feel trapped I'm always inside my apartment, when I'm not at school or sports. but i think since I've been absent so long I'm not going to be able to play now.

Ugh honestly idk what I'm going to do during the summer. I was thinking of summer school to get ahead. then do something in the ymca but its so far from my house and yeah. i was also thinking of karate or something but the one that i really want to go to is in Manhattan. And again that would be a commute. i was thinking of camp but if do summer school i can't. was going to work for the summer but the application for the summer youth program ended may 15 and didnt have my working papers. i was thinking just go to the park everyday, again it wouldnt be smart cause it usually only guys who play basketball and if you ever are let into play with them again im not that in shape.

so i really dont have much of any option since i dont hang out with my dads family any more, and i would hate to hang out with my moms. so im looking to probably be in front of my block the most or probably not. i get take out every sunday by this respid worker or what not, but its really not that fun and shes not allowed to take me near water, i was thinking of the beach, but it'd me mad boring and stupid to go alone. its lie a bus ride away. My mom was thinking of moving back to where we were, then id probably see cortez again if he still will talk to me, we could've hung out. But we wouldnt be able to move that fast anyways. so im stuck down here. i could go to the zoo as many times as i want but my mom wont be able to probably all the time, since she'll be in pain and want to stay home. and i need her to come with me she has the pass. so idk again

i guess ill be home studying russian if i dont get a headache, we dont hav an ac, and my mom has the fan so im stuck burning up. and all they will do is drink and play loud music in the front. so yeah.
im stuck

im alreadys tuck cause the pysch kept me on he same meds, and he wasnt even to give me since i was discharge for missing one appointment an dnot calling, cause i called for the other two. and he wants me to be back in the program, and now i have to go next week, even though i hate it, that was the onlly way hed give me meds, but he gave me the same and i hate the effects, except for the mellow not feeling part ilike it to some extent, it just i cant feel happy either. im pretty passive and people take that as a reason to make fun of me since like i dont make good comebacks,I'm usually always confused or dizzy thats why i dont talk to people cause i will tend to studder or say the wrong things =[ i didnt use to be like this, and like weak and just a lot of things i can say i hate about, but its the only one that has actually showed effect on me so i guess i should be glad i dont know.

the pysch seems to know cause he really doesnt even ask me anything except have i cut or hear voices. then he usually lets me go, unless my mom complains thati ve been doing something ot her or something she makes me look like the devil child. oh i should be the devil child just to show her i swear ...then he adjust my meds and this time he wouldve changed it except my mom was at an appointment, and well it was a big mess on Thursday. i really want to move and og to a good school, but sometimes i wish i didnt care what other people felt. but i do too much i think. Then i could just move on and never look back. but i look back.
I love to read though, i guess thats my only escape, when i read im in their life or something.i read a book a day. people look at me like im crazy. but i seriously dislike watching tv or listening to music anymore. like i lost all interest in doing things i use to its crazy not even music soothes me. I still love blood though idk y. like i look at cutters online and pics and stuff just because. i miss seeing my blood, idk if that make sense.

well its Saturday that means its my mom sabbath and im not suppose to watch tv anyways. i keep stopping my mom from going church i put her down, even though i dont want to its just that she wants me to go and i dont. but like i really want her to go and meet people. but see the reason i know she wont go either way is because she cant sleep at night. so idk, she watches like a church from California at 1 to see like shes in church. but ok. i should play a video game or something but i dont like to either. i lost interest in a lot of things. so im stuck just sitting here.

i can't sing so even though i can play the guitar, no point lol. i would write but have nothing to write about. i would love to cook something, but i cant eat anything hard and we hardly have any food anyways. so it just tuna helper. im too weak to do a lot of things lately like even throwing a softabll takes a lot of effort. i should just stop everything. like i have no reason. everything that has ever had meaning to me i've lost. so noim just sitting here like actually im 5'6 and a half right? i u se to be 219 then i started working out ( before i was on this pill) and i lost so now im 190. but no matter how much exercise and eating the same i was doing before, i will not loose any weight. and it so hard for me to exercise cause im always weak. and it gets me aggravated. if i could feel very happy i would be happy on this pill. but i cant. its so stupid. like i hit a grand slam for my team, and i didnt even feel remotely happy. it was like ooh look the ball is flying. let me run. and as i said well you read this before so im not even going to go on.

sometimes i wonder why can't i be slim and happy had good childhood, or something. i kind of hate how things turned out. and whenever i try an change it to better myself something comes up. Really what should i do? should i move, hopefully i get accepted into a better school inside my school and stay, or if not stay in my school or something? i can't even hold a normal convo with someone i know, they have to be people i don't.
what is wrong with me?

[Jennifer]

If you get a chance, read your last post, you contradict everything you say, meaning you say it then take it back or say something to replace it. your first thoughts are usually the ones that you should go with.

your pych is that just someone that prescribes meds for you? if so, then that is all they do, difference between med maganagement and therapy.

as far as your summer goes, i sure hope you do something whether its school or play because sitting at home all summer is not going to get you anywhere, going alone to places is better than being at home and you keep on talking about wanting to slim up and be a different person, well summer is a great time to renivent yourself and you can choose to be the person you want to be, no you cannot change your past, but you can work on your present and future.

[ciadow]

well then you could say how im always confused i think too much
the only good family i have left i visited yesterday, they live well in a different state and its pretty nice. it made my mom very happy. and theres a lot of available apartments in the complex so my mom started thinking that we should move there cause we will have like an aunt and uncle, his mom his sister then my cousin and his gf and my other cousin crystal and her daughter and soon my other cousin her other son will coming back cause he doesn't like florida. And we have no problem with and there really really positive people its scary sometimes. But the apartments are nice and its really really just kind of not rural but idk. they all live in the same complex lol. and theres a lot of empty ones. so we should be able to get an apartment there.

actually i was thinking about that, you know trying to be confident and all. thats why i tried to buy some nice clothes, all i got were pants but thats a start. my uncle believes inthe secret lmao so basically what ever you want you can get attitude, its all in the mind. So he tends to be positive, he meditates and just thinks about what he is grateful for and what is good and what he needs or would like and what not. kind of like praying except actually it is because he still believes in jesus idk hes weird. its funny cause its like praying, when you think about it thats what praying is about, most ppl do it when they need something or are very grateful or just need a comforter. idk

well i was really thinking about it cause my mom really wants to move, and doesnt want to stay in the where we live, or at least somewhere nicer but we dont have no fam here that is good and if it were jsut for my mom i would move there, because maybe my mom wont be so depressed and she can foccus on being better. but my mom doesnt want to jerpadize my school thing. and well usually no matter school i go to i can get good grades, but then i would miss only my coach cause she helped me and she was expecting me to spend all four years there, but i think it would be better for me but then idk...all i want to do really is make sure i get into a good college, and i think the school is better there, but if i get into a good school here. well yeah. but my cousins gf is like really nice and its so funny because we have the same birthday =] its really rare i meet someone with the same bday. and were the only Pisces in the family lol. i mean it doesnt matter but you know its cool. and they actually treat me like a kid which i like because well, even though there my cousins there in there 20's30's, im the youngest in the generation my mom had me late. i actually forgot about them because they had to move and we lost connection. And anthony plays chess with me, and idk they have cars, and so now i can try and get my permit and have someone to ride with that has a license. cause my dad doesnt, hes an ass i mean he taught me to drive and im grateful for that but he talk down to me all the time.

when it comes to the confidence thing i always put myself down like even when im thinking positive, i subconsciously know im going to fall apart. honestly i would love to move there i just get attached to people and its hard for met to leave them so now im debating even though it would be a good move. but then this school yeah what do you think? and what i could i do to try and stay positive you know? happy memorial day lmao i forgot =]

[Jennifer]

moving closer to your family sounds like a great idea. thinking in a positve manner just takes practice and you can either think positive or negative, it is a choice and you can choose on how to think.

as far as the grades go, sounds as if you stay, your grades won't be so good because you are not so happy and it is preventing you from acheiving success. i do realize you are attached to your coach but you can pick up sports in a new school and move forward from there.

all sounds positive.

[ciadow]

well things kind of have gone really wrong. I'm starting to panic the place where i was going to has really done a number on me and my mom...there f'ing liars. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do once softball season is over, we won our playoff game today, but i doubt we will tomorrow there one of the best teams. my mom was on the verge of having a breakdown , like a ticking time bomb almost, but she met this psychologist who has done good in her so far, but in turn i lost trust in my doctor and the place i was going in completely, why does that keep happening to me. I'm starting to think that most people in the field of psychology can't do there job right. Instead of making us feel safe or calm or helping us, they have made me feel inferior and have treated me like toys, no wonder most end up committing suicide and don't trust the system cause there all liars. Most of these programs ive been in, suppose to help me or others especially here in the city treat us like were dumb or something, the only good programs are usually in the areas where people have money. But i know that it is very corrupt when you don't. And i swear i've known three people who've committed suicide and many who are now in prison cause they've gave up a long time ago. i dont want to end up like that. i wanted to do good in my life. i didnt want to end up like my family. but i know i going to turn out just like them and it scares me. I don't want to give in. its been a year i've been free of most thing. But ugh my ex step mother is soo abusive yet acs dont do anything my mom on the other hand no, and they come down on her hard. And its kind of sad because its a shame. Many people who grew up in the suburbs and come to work here or oblivious to the fact of how most of us live. They think they are helping by following protocol, or for a little thing doing something, but you know they dont help in the long run, were going to relapse. most of us and those that arent are lucky because they have found someone who they trust and are committed. i was lucky i had my coach to give me a reason not to try anything. but idk now, its over, i probably my not see her next year and i might. things hurt so much. im going back to my old state. im driving my mom crazy, and instead im tearing my self apart inside out i only have 12 days left of school. i need someone to talk to but i dont trust anyone thats why im doing it online. i think i cut for the first time in a year, nothing bad, i just needed to see blood. quick long lines like if my cat scratched me. no one knows and it healed. i got those meds, they helped but now i feel so disgusted in taking them because of what happened but i do. And i go through the day feeling like an idiot and whatever because i missed mad school. and even though nothing bad is happening now, i feel down, and i dont want to im only happy when im around the team and coach cause their so funny and make me feel good, thats gonna be gone soon they stay their distance but it just feels good knowing. and on my last report card i got an 89 average i wouldve had a 93 at least before but i missed most of my last test. and now im going to get an even lower final grade because i missed so much more, and my mind isnt on it. im just saying i might not write no more, and maybe i will. thanks though.

[Jennifer]

There is only one person that it is important to see you suceed and that is yourself. You do have choices and you are choosing to give up on yourself based on other people around you. Yes there are good and bad therapists, but ending your life is your own decision and its not anybody else's fault, if you need to seek out help, then do so and keep on trying until it works.

The grades dropping is something you will have to work on and decide how your future is going to look. People are out there that are good and then there are other ones that are bad, you do not need to become like your family, only if you choose to do that.

[ciadow]

I'm not stupid enough to kill myself, although i really don't want to go through life, if i don't succeed and end up paralyzed or malformed it will be even worst, and then i will have to go to a hospital and not trying to do that, although sometimes id rather be in one because i feel safe and stable usually. its just not worth it because some take advantage of you, and they judge you if they think your gay, and they always try and talk to you about god and the food is usually bad and if your overweight they make sure they give you bland food. And you can't really make friends because they will try and separate and even though their are many ways around the things they do, they have to make a report about you, and sometimes they lie or dont know and well especially if you have services already they make it worse for you, and they really dont talk to you or try and figure what makes you tick, you can lie and go home quickly or exaggerate and stay if you dont want to go home, or rather go to and rtc, but sometimes they will send you to state if your a repeated cutter or self harmer and they dont try. and you better do something really bad if you dont have insurance so you can get medicaid, we switch meds if you want to feel high, most kids arent dumb. most dont have anywhere to go especially when there already in foster care and the hospital is there only home most know the system, and some think that gong to therapy will help but its not that. most people just need to know there cared about, dont they teach that when your taking pyschology?ive only gotten worst and even though outwardly im very calm to most people i just store everything in, and they dont notice. they think im fine. my pychiatrist for goodness sake he shouldve known that. but because i say im fine and look happy doesnt mean i am. its only an act. when i had enough of him and stormed out he actually asked my mother why i was angry. why would i be angry if your telling me a report on me that is not true. i use to write a lot. i would write stories. i use to write poems and songs. it was my escape. but now ive become someone i dont remember wanting to be,and when i try to change its like no use, your better of as someone else. And i use to be very animated when i spoke, i was good speaking in front of groups, except since ive been going to therapy i turned inward, so much that now if i try to think everything but realistic it hurts. i have to the idea in front of me or happening to believe it. i just want to know someone loves me. or something. im not some messed up kid who has no social skills or something. sometimes i wish i could kill myself. except at the moment i have my mother. and i had sports in school which kept me away. but i know im not great and all i want to do is to feel again good things not all bad. i wish i could have the people back i lost. but i will never get them back. and yeah i dont know what to do. i cant stand the thought of another therapist. or going to an old one and telling the truth. you know when i was little i always use to get beat up and would never fight back. im at the point where i want to fight back. but now i dont know how to cause i feel so trapped. and i guess i shouldnt be using this forum like this. like i want to stop writing but it kind of my only way of geting it out. so i would write in a journal except when i was younger i use to,then luis found it. he read it and knew mos tof my secrets he used it against me. and i still remember the smirk on his face. he knew i would do anything he said. so i don't. plus i find it stupid because. i should or something. i guess ill just do that. oh well. um . well yu know whats funny since i cut on my arms, todya i had to go sleeveless, and i was trying to hide them but i didnt . and no one said anyhting. then a pitch hit my arm and when she wrapped it up i was really afraid. but yeah i wsnt going to kill myself, just cut would be my only option now. but i will try not to. but i was really angry that that. the angriest ive been in so long so much happened. i do it when i feel inferior o trapped. its like i still have control over something. that why i like the blood. and for some reason when i cut my nerves tend to go down and just into the areas i cut. its so weird. you know that saying ants in your pants instead its like ants in my arms and neck. so. well i know you've probably given up on trying to find a way to help me, and thats why i was like i probably wont write again fr the simple fact that i know you cant do much, even though i kindve look forward to what your going to say because it gives me hope. someone else syaing i know you can change or something. ive really been trying but its like all my efforts failed, because each time i think im doing good, my depression comes back with a vengeance. and i let it win.

[Jennifer]

Being more comfortable in a hosptial than real life is a very bad thing. I've worked with really bad off kids that have been hospitalzed for years and its not a healthy environment for them.

No, it is not up to your docs to try to figure out your mood, it is up to you to tell them straight up what is going on with you. Until you are able to do that, you will never be able to get the help that you need. Have you ever seen or read the book girl ,interrupted? Great movie and you should watch or read the book if you get the chance, and its a true story. Bottom line from the movie is that you don't get better until you want too and it sounds as if you haven't wanted to up to this point and you do know and are stuck as to what you are to do.

People hide things from therapists all the time and spend years in therapy without getting any help whatsoever. Not healthy, but it happens all the time. Giving up is not an option and staying home, just talking about what you want to do is not going to get it done either. Get yourself out there, put yourself on a routine for the summer and stick to it. Get yourself out of your house and make yourself feel better.

[ciadow]

but I don't know how. That's the thing, there's not much here that i can do alone. it would help if i had friends, but during school I'm pretty much not sociable i suck at joking around, and when i talk its straight to the point or if i try to it comes out bad and stuff. and my appearance doesn't help either. i changed. i was fine before. oh and yeah the times i have told the truth and felt comfortable with a therapist they left. or called acs or this one therapist actually felt uncomfortable around me or sent me to the emergency room and didn't bother with me afterwords. And most of the therapist i had i didn't feel comfortable with. soooo after going through that i started lying because to me i felt they weren't going to help me.
its ok though. i understand what you mean. i hate when my mom dwells in her self pity yet i do the same thing except unlike her who lets everyone know. im pretty the much the only one who knows. to my workers they already have a picture of me as being defiant and they stuck that on me. when the truth is my mom really exaggerates and i gave up trying to be good when all the services they said they would give they didnt. they havent even tried to fulfill these goals that they set up for with me. and so thats exactly what i do know. i cant very angry when im around people like them. and im always angry at my mother because she does what she does. And i really love my father, but i had to take myself from him, and that really hurt. and i really loved my family, but yeah i thought they were family but they dont give a shit and everything i was brought up too believe has been crumbling down. but im always the person who has doen wrong in some for, they always blame me. oh they never do anything wrong. and im sick and tired when no one even trys to see what im feeling, and takes everyone elses word for it but mine. in away thats why im very resentful of my mom. and thats why im whining now. i know if i were just to go and do something. i could do it. k was thinking of exercising they way i did a while ago, cuase it helped me. i was thinking positive about things. but then my mom was thinking negative, and was getting angry for eveyr little thing, and this whole production happened. i almost got taken away from her. and right now we dont have much money. so even though i was actually invited by my softball team to go out to a party and spend the day. i couldnt go because ididnt have 4 dollars to buy a metro card. and i guess im not that bad at making friends, most people seem to want to talk to me. i think its because i push them off right? and i could probably do something for the summer, im going to see if i might do summer school and if my not im going to see if my mom can enroll me in this camp at a center near here. if not i can always just ride my bike in the park when i fix it. or maybe ei might go away for a month to my moms friends house, see how it is up there um i could take swimming lessons, they do it in everyday in the morning. during the summer. or i could get a bike or something and go to the skate park. i'm going to try this summer, and change my appearance maybe that will make me feel better. idk that really all i can think about opportunity wise. They have programs in the library during the summer. i might just go there to read the whole day or something. um... do you have any ideas?

[Jennifer]

You just thought of many good ideas for the summer and anyone of those would be great for you to do, you don't need my help on that. Sounds as if you need to see your mom less and get rid of the anger/resentment that has built up in you over the years because it is not helping you now.

[ciadow]

lol thinking about it. no it has not. i guess i do have a lot of anger and resentment. thats why i liked sports it got me away and my coach was like um the only stable person in my life i guess, cause she was there to help, but she wont pry and she always encouraged me and idk . except when i would get home we would have a fight about something real small. now its just up to waiting and see what happens. i should get the reply on the request for school towards the middle of june. and well idk i want to be ahead, thinking of summer school, but i cant if i want to do swimming. i wanted t start running, i think i could do that but it'll be embarrassing to do in the park, so ill just do basketball exercise and taebo. it helps lol. other then that idk i talk to people online that's my social interaction lol, but yeah illl tel you how that goes i guess. i have a lot of work to make up for those 2 weeks, and im trying to im kind of panicking cause im afraid my grades are going to suffer we only have like 12 days lefts of school before regents. and 8 b4 finals. im trying to listen to music again. but for some reason idk it gets annoying. i update if anything happens. oh i told you i got hit with the pitch in my arm so hopefully its nothing bad, but its still swollen so if it is by like monday have to get it checked. i would ask how are you and stuff but its only for you to try an help me and not a normal convo feels weird lol well have a good weekend. =]

[Jennifer]

I'm good, focus on school and finish up the next 12 days and then you can focus on the summer. you can do summer school and find time to add an exercise routine as well. summer school is not for the whole day and its better to exercise when its not so hot out anyways so probably works out for the best. go get motivated and study

[ciadow]

Well to start it off i got a new psychologist and psychiatrist. They are really good. I started telling the truth to them, and I trust my new therapist more then the others I've had. I sort of changed over the summer. I started dressing a little better doing my hair, going outside to play ball and such. School is a little better then last year, people still ignore me and are rude to me, but i don't take things so personal the way i think it, is that most of them are seniors and will be gone next yr woo hoo. So i can put up for a yr. The only bad news is my lung problem got worst, so they did a Bronchoscopy yesterday and found something in my left lung, did a biopsy and such. You know hopefully its nothing, still going to be optimistic =] Once i get over the coughing up blood thing..i'll be fine. My throat is sore as hell tho, you would think i had strep throat or something. Anyways, i just wanted to let you know, I'm doing much better, and hopefully i'll stay this way. My only complaint is that i wish i could grow another inch or so. Thanks for putting up with my ranting. =]

[Jennifer]

So happy to hear the update beside the coughing up blood/lung thing. Glad to hear you are with a good therapist/psychatrist team now, i'm sure it helps. Those kids will be the same way as adults, pesty and annoying. Just saw an interview with Megan Fox and she said she was a loner in high school and spend more than one lunch in the bathroom so she wouldn't get picked on. It happens to the best of us. Good for you as far as the height is concerned that they make high heals