Maybe i'm doing something wrong?

[ciadow]

Well, I don't really know what to say. I'm not use to telling the truth, because it hurts to much i guess. I feel like I'm forced to see therapist and therefore i lie to them, plus there's so much on my chart lies, that i would be too embarrassed to try and correct them. What happened in the past is the past i know that, but i can't keep strong for so long, and be expected not to break right? I'm in sports in my school that has kept me strong. I haven't cut or smoked for about a year, but because of sports I've also had trouble getting therapy, since I'm not home to late. And I've been so afraid. I've gotten really depressed but i feel like if i tell anyone how i really feel, or act upon it they would put e back into a hospital which doesn't help since I'm not cutting or doing anything. But sometimes i have the urge. I hate talking to people. I can't hold a normal conversation anymore in the past 6 years i have done a complete 360 of the girl i was raised to become. I feel so guilty for all the things I've done and said. And i can't stand being alone. No one in school knows anything about me. The people who tried to be my friends i push away. I have all these services supposedly helping me, but what they don't understand is that i resent them so much, that they only change the anger level inside of me. I also feel bad, because i haven't respected my mom. But its so hard because she makes it so hard. I hate it when she touches me so i automatically strike back. Shes not a bad mom but she is so stupid. She the only person i have a round and its like even though i have so much family ugh well its so confusing. And i know she's very sick, and that i should care for her more, but i can't stand the fact that she can't do alot of things any more. And she so religious. And i can't stand it. Like i think the only reason i act out is to show her its my own free will not the devils. But she thinks its controlling me. And sometimes i wsih she just saw me for me, and did things with me. But shes always in pain. Shes gotten so disgusting i can't stand her anymore. but like she the only thing i have in my life right now, who semi knows the truth about me. everyone around me is getting sick, or doesnt care about me because they think im sick. or they resent me since im my mothers and fathers child. I was molested a lot when i was younger, and lately thats been coming up. But i lied about when i was younger and therefore now hes not in jail, and a big thing went down for it, and I'm so afraid that hes doing into other little girls now. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about but lately it seem i always am. And i never ever talk about it, and when i try to talk to my mom, she always start crying. And when i try to talk to her about anything she feels bad. I've made a lot of choices, andshe says i can talk to her but when i do i end up lying. And my fathers and ass, but i love him so much, and then i hate him. his family always try to manipulate me. I was always the odd child, and now everyones gotten older, and went there own ways. hes very abusive, verbally and to his women physically. he introduced me to many things that i shouldnt have been. And miss, i know you really can't help me, but sometimes i feel so pathetic. People always tell me i should be happy im a great student, but kids have always resented me for that. In middle school and elementary i was jumped and made fun of alot, ppl use to throw staplers at my head, and copy, and nvm, but i grew up in strict religions, then we moved back down to the city, and my mom got depressed and gary drunk and smoetoo much( one of her bfs) and we ended up real bad in a shelter, and i did good in school, i was made fun of cause i look white even and so though im not going of topics i guess. but lately sports was the only thing that kept me going you know, but then i started gaining weight
lots of it. 56 pounds in three years, and everyone started calling me fat, and i couldnt run as well and so much stuff kept happening, and then i started being real abusive to my mom, started studying religion, just to throw stuff right back at her, everytime she would try and touch me cause i was being rude or something i would hit her back, and call her names.and i know im very young, but ive seen so any things. tBut peopl ethink im naive and in school now, well ugh... i just dont know what to do. becasue with therapy especially what been happening with my last few, i dont trust them anymore, and now i have no time, and its either choice sports which has helped me to stop and has kept somewhat stable or therapy for which well things my not go so well. And ok the thing i love my coach, she doesnt know it, but i really appreciate her, and she helps me, she is the reason i go to school, its becasue i want to play, and i know im not that good. but now sports season is ending, and im panicking, and what happend today with my mom, and sometimes i feel like i need help,and i really want to talk to someone and just confess everything. but i feel like no one can help me. but i am so down. and been crying . And i still keep seeing and relieveing these things that happend, hearing converstaions i said( i have very good memory one reason i can lie so easily) but i dont want to deal no more. just dont car eany more? thats what i have been doing, but i fell like ima let my coach down if i cant play no more, and idk...im not suicidal no, and im not going to cut, i just need someone to talk to, that ihavent lied to yet, to tell me what i can do to keep going through this. what to say. i dont even have nice clothes. everything is probably 3 sizes to big. boys, and whatever was handed down to me from my mother in the 90's. we hardly have money. and i guess thats another stress. what to do about my mom, and i dont know anymore..

[Jennifer]

Hey
What is wrong with therapy? If you are not going for yourself than it is not worth going because you are not gaining anything especailly if they don't know the whole truth to everything.

I'm sure your mom is the only person that you can really be yourself with and yes i'm sure it is hard for her to hear how you feel about things and that is why you resent her because you can and she loves you and no matter what she is sticking by your side and you cann't understand that too much.

As far as your coach goes, is this person approachable, can you talk to him/her on a personal level and develop another person to talk too? You need someone in your life to talk too.

Good for you for stopping cutting and other stuff from the past and as far as the abuse goes, are you still dealing with that?

You say that it is just you and your mom, but you mention your dad and extended family, don't understand that.

Not sure what we can do for you either but we can talk some things out and try and that is all you can hope for in a day

[ciadow]

my mom is just really sick, and i've pushed away all people because either they were religious or i said something. i try my best not to speak to my dad or his family. My ex stepmother doesn't let me see my siblings and she actually smacked the shit out of my brothers when he tried to hug me at a party.
I'm scared of her like you wouldnt believe so i know how they must feel living under her. The thing is she has mad friends in acs and is a good liar so she still keeps them which i find unfair, but i guess well idk. Acs in the city isnt too good. Sometimes i wish i could do something about that too. The thing is i can;t stand when people try and talk to me about god, and my moms SDA.
Sometimes i blame her for letting me get so fat. I dont understand why everyone likes my mom but me. I wish my father woulda done things we me other than cab around and tell me all his problems. I wish i wasnt introduced to the streets when i was little, sometimes i wsh i f i were just naive. Didnt know about ppl who took drugs, being around alcoholics, seeing my uncles beat there wives, having to be a girl when i wish i were a guy so then maybe his family wouldve payed attention to me, instead of being expected to be neat and clean, which im not because i can't stand the thought that i must act girly so i can get a man and marry. I cant stnd the smell of beer anymore, its all they drink and drink. s i stay away from his family.
My moms family are just plain old and hypocrites and sometimes i dont know what to do. Sometime i wish i just had a friend that woont shove god is the only way into y mind. i get these headaches like you wouldnt believe when someone talks about a higher being, thats the main reason, and i dont like the fact the woman are meant to be in the household. But know its just me and my mom.
And my mom is sick. and it hurts me to know that she wont be the strong woman she use to be. She couldnt control being abused so i dont blame her for those things, but i cant stand ppl always take advantage of her. so know im just like those ppl and it hurts because im afraid i always tend to try and hurt those i love, so now i stay away from having anyone close to me because i get angry and i feel real guilty if i think i said or did something wrong when even i probably said something to you and gave me the wrong face i would think i did something bad. And it will keep eating at me. i smoked becasue it was the only thing i could control, everyone around me did it, why shouldnt i.
but i have asthma haha and now somethings wrong with my lungs and yet i still want to but i havent because of sports. but what i hate is thinking that i look so gullible cuz to everyone im very quiet, and now in hs kids dont pick on me they just let me be and i like that, but when they talk about weed or acid or pills something i have the urge to be like ooh where? but since im not ghetto, they dont expect me to know thee things and my coach was very surpirsed when i told her i did these things. she hasnt brought it up but i guess when she told me to stop i stopped, but i feel guilty for telling her.
but no one expects anything from me. i guess thats another thing that bugs me. they already know i get good grades, i think i like sports with my coach, becasue its a thing im not good at, and i like someone wanting me to do good in it. but then therapy comes into the way, and i can't do it. today i feel very depressed. because i get these vivid recollections of anything from conversations to the smell or way someone looks and feels and i remember what happened to them or me or what i saw and heard, and its like why cant i be there right now, stop haunting me man...but it happeneds and i feel guilty cause i can't stop it.
And the things about is there so much that i constantly worry about, its not little things girls y age usually worry about, i just want to stop all of this hurting. i try studying guitar learning russian and listening to music those are my coping skills, i use to write alot, but the feeling started overwhelming me like everyone writes what they hell am i doing no one cares about what i write im not good, and now idont. my coach is not someone i feel very comfortable talking to no, she is just avery comforting presence. i use to have an aunt like her, but then i did something, really wrong and lost all her trust. i use to be around girls who did things u know for money? i use to use there stories and lives to try and connect with my aunts and her um life and about how i feel about boy, cuz i dont but in the end she found out
ugh thats another thing i dont know what to do about a lot of things, the only thing i have is school and since i go to such a bad school, i dont learn anything even thought the teachers try and give me harder work, now i just kinda gave up and slacked off. i want to stay in the same building though cause then i wont have my coach if i transfer, so i dont know what to do...it hurts. what should i do, what can i do to stop this from hurting. coping skills eh i know, but actually it kinda feels good talking even though i havent really told you anything about what ive done. a like a few eeks ago, i actually spent time with my father, but i couldnt stand it until he let his father in law or w/e he is ( big confusion as i said my dad i sa womanizer) drive, my dad talks al ot all junk about his life, e was actually queit and i ust rested my heard on his shoulder and cuddle up to him and i reemberd how i felt when i was younger..it was comforting. but then he started talking again. i think i still love him. but god i dislike his habits soo muc. i went to vist my aunt and by the time i got there she was already finsihed with the two 40oz so i had to go and get some more. so i couldnt spend anytime with her, when shes drunk like that. i know there gonna die, but i wish they would act like idk. alright im talking too uch and i know this is alot to read, but do you think it would be elpful if i told you anything else, so you could better give me advice?

[Jennifer]

How is your mom sick? I am assuming that you are in high school right? What grade are you in and what are your plans for after school?

As far as giving you advice, I'm not sure what you want to accomplish, do you? Writing itself is very theraputic and it gives us strength to see what we are experiencing in writing instead of just thinking about it. You can tell us whatever you are comfortable with in order to get to a place that makes you feel okay about who you are.

[ciadow]

along w/ suffering depression and anxiety like me, she is physically disabled, and has a lot of progressing diseases which of course are just going to get worst since they can't be stopped. Making her a pain machine, and it hurts me to know that, more then she thinks even though i tend to try and hurt her more. After many years of being with her idk what he is bf i guess i picked up on his habits, and in order for me not to feel bad about myself i make fun her...i know the cause its just i cant stop doing it. along with that she has spinal injuries and all this crap with her bones. So basically my moms living, but she might as well be dead, she has no friends, our family doesn't really give a um call about her because well they got their own lives, and most of them are sick are going through financial troubles. like shes suppose to get help, but her therapist is no longer there, she never even went to, shes been looking but again sometimes shes too depressed to go outside like today. So sometimes she misses, and she has meds and all. but god u should see how many meds she takes. 'm thankful that she never hurt me or abused me, like the rest of my fam, but i feel bad for her cause i know in a few years she really wont be coherent. and this is all got even if shes usually in pain or depressed or talking about how one day god is going to come and take us out of this madness her quote. yeah im in high school. i was skipped when i was younger and then like last year i was left back when i wasnt suppose to be since i had an Iq of 130 in 8th grade when i hadnt gone to school for year. and didnt even want to take the test because i was hungry and dizzy. well you know what the school system really doesnt give a crap because instead of giving me the choice of going to a good school or something me and my mom move then they put me in ordinary classes when i should be in honors, and i get very bored getting 95 and above averages, but my depression kicked back in and i did somethings that i shouldnt, because i was living wit h my aunt up there. Now my aunt can't stand me, and i can't stand my cousin, and i feel real bad about it. i did it to piss her off, because i knew she didnt want me there anyways because i had a lot of gay friends, and she was afraid that it would make her son gay if i brought them around my community complex to chill. and she was always critizing me cause i was fat, and found any little thing i did wrong and im telling you ANYTHIng, something that her son did probably like 10 times worst she would critize me instead of him grrrr. so yeah i made sure i got him in trouble tooo heheh. but you know i think i lsot a good aunt, cuz even though she did that crap i felt she was um a good presence turns out she was talking a whole bunch of crap about me, and then my mom, and shoot i wanted to kill her for all she said,i rlly thought about it, but for some reason i still love her..i hate it. sometimes i wish i could hate her. idk then we moved back down here, and i mtelling you they wouldve put me in my old school with the principal who left me back, and the reason i knew i had depression in the first place but instead she put in this hs, that i swear the kids well they probably could but have a lot of learning difficulty. and im really giving up on school, but as long as i stay in the top 5 percent which i spretty easy because this girl shes in 7th place in the whole school got an 89 average,and still got a full scholarship to vermont. my school i affiliated with vermont college, so like the top 5 percent get a full ride, im thinking of that. =] it's my only escape i really want to just run away from of all this and do good. i was thinking of transferring but again im a miss my coach, maybe to another school in the building but thats up to the board of ed. but my depressions been kicking in, ive been slacking off. i cant focus, or think, and i feel guilty all the time. i have really bad urges to cut even though i havent in a year, but i feel so alone. well um what i did with my cuz was pretty bad though. and some of the realest friend s i had will never speak to me again so trust me ive tried. and now like i dont like speaking, i get really nervous when i have to speak aloud, and i make the dumbest remarkes, people be looking at be like im white and they shouldnt hang out with me. but they end up anyways cause im too quete and they dont see anything in me except in this new school the people whom are gay stay away from me, they are much different then the ones upstate. lmao, and they kind of think well i kinda hate it, cause that was the crowd i hung with, and the only crowd i hang with here, are all much older then me, so i feel bad when the graduate this year. so the only crowd i have is the sports crowd which are hilarious but then again they aint that close to me. um actually ihavent been in school for a eweek cause something is wrong with my lung, so i missed the last 3 games of the season, and i feel really bad about it. so yeah. um im getting a root canal lol, so im kinda beeen focusing on that pain it hurts like hell and um i would say more but i think i wrote too much. and im going to school tomorow, YAY for questions. have a good day.

[Jennifer]

Hope you are on the mend from your lung and root canal. Sorry to hear that you missed the last three games of the season. Nothing wrong with being a smartie and it will help you get out of there when you graduate. I think that is great that you can possibly get a scholorship to college and you will need to work towards that as a goal to your future.

How you feel towards your mom is completly normal for you, its is part of the grieving process and you do grieve for your mom, even though she is in the state she is in, she loves you and you love her and I hope that you can come to terms with how you feel about her before she is completely gone so you can come to terms with her and how you feel about her.

As far as the rest of your family goes, that will have to be worked out in time because it doesn't sound as if you can get anything from them that you need.

[ciadow]

I know all of that unfortunately, it doesnt make it any easier. I know i don't have it that bad, but know matter what meds and stuff they give me i stay feeling depressed. The only thing that really helped me was this thing called respiridone it controlled my emotions for a little while, but then it stopped working. Because before i use to feel my emotions to the extreme, if i felt bad i was really guilty, if i was mad, i was very very angry, if i was sad i was very very depressed, with that pill i no longer felt much i was pretty much non nonchalant and that includes other thoughts. but sometimes i hate it because like i said i cant feel. like if I'm suppose to be happy iits like the briefest of kisses gone. i do something good, its not satisfying neough. i mean i could get a 115 on a test perfect score including extra credit and not feel anything, while others look at me with envious eyes. i started slacking off because maybe if i did bad, then when id did good i would be happy. nothing. i should be happy because you know even though much of everything else has gone down the drain for me, i had my grades. but now they are 90s instead of 95's which now i look at its hilarious to feel this way. some would say i was a perfectionist but im not because i dont even want to do good anymore, wouldnt that have a say. im sick of it. ok i must sound like somerich girl who just found out she broke a nail, but seriously most pyschiatrist dont really botherwith teens, i know in the hospital the put you on the first med and got you out when they saw no side effects. saying youll feel better in the end. i guess its a good thing i dont feel bad anymore, but i also dont feel good and at least when i cut i felt right? i use to drink too. most of all my pysch asked me but i always lie. you see maybe ill tell you the truth. im not very slim or very pretty. as you know im overweight. wehn i was younger around 12 i use to hang out with grown men, if you havent figure d i also look older then my age. they use to sell drugs. of course i didnt have sex with them, but they always would feel me up. to the point that sometimes they would show me their dicks and ask me to jerk them off. of course i fi didnt th eonly thing would be that they backed off so that i wouldnt tell my mom, cause i use to hang out with their son, and their grandmother or wife was like anothermother to me, except they use to drink, and im telling you the truth, because you see instead of telling some of the things i went through with them, since i had such an extensive knowledge of drugs, i would say hey yeah i did drugs, so i would look bad, i always wanted the pychs to think i wa sbad and aybe they would find the reason i felt this way. not even my mom knows that this was all.cause you see my lies got even worst and worst to the point i said i had sex, which i did later on but not for that time. and that i did drugs, which i tried but not reALLY OK. IM REALLY GETTING THIS OUT CAUSE LIKE ITS WEIRD I NEVeR SAID THIS BEFORE .well actually at this point you know at the time hormones kick in and shit, and i was um well i started getting into porn really bad, cause thats all i would watch while i was with them, and before you say where wa smy mom, it was summer, and all the kids hang out int he front of the building or with other kids on the block, i would say i was with the kid that ws my friend and his family would take me in, and that was there family, my mom hs asked me countless number of times if it was them and i would say no, cause it would hurt her too much to know this. which brings me to another topic that i would never speak to with a therapist sex or w/e it was. So i told you i was laready use to this, and it was constant. by this time i was really made fun of in school, because i well i look older for once, and i didnt wear the right clothes and well i looked really bad, and because i was smart kids well numerous times iw as trheatend and hit and in fights jumped but you know i wouldnt say a things, cause once i tried and my mom came it and it was really big, those kids got even more violent, and im telling you you need to take a look into city 6th-8th graders my school, most of the 7th and 8th grades were already 15 16 and 17 though left back , and they were selling in my school and trust me not a great enviroment. it was this gang that was against me though because they thought i was in one since i hung out with the ppl i told u about, when they found out i was just a goody two shes and wfaedz well ok i stopped going to school by this time cause i couldnt deal with it. teachers didnt know why, and well i had a therapist/counselor at the time and again i didnt tell her anything, but she could tell i was depressed but sincei was so young they thought it wasnt anything and wrote it off saying it was that thing that came before depression but they didnt know the extent of it. Also at the time yeah i almsot got left back but then we were going to move out of the are so i thought it was good, and when we moved, i was going to go to a new school and all that. in this school i love it, i had friend s and stuff, but i lived far cause we hadnt moved yet, and i had to take the train and bus and then walk a few blocks. and i was just too depressed from past instances to try and make it work. then my mom applied me to this school that was suppose to be the best in the well where i live, and then i got accepted after an interview and i thought my world was turned for the better, even though i had to deal with my moms bf at the tim estill. he never did anything sexual to me hes an old biker gang druggie at the time he use to drink and he still smokes, but ive grown to love him as he is the only father figure ive really had compared to the past bfs and maybe i'll go into that. and well actually the past is th epast, but when i started going to this 'best school" it was like my old school. the kids were really bad. at least in my grade. and i was soon the outcast since i did so good. and my depression came back in full force, because you know attachments happen lmao. and he was my only real friend. his name was maxini lol. but he stopped hanging out with me, they use to ask me if i liked him and teased me and all that crap and well lets just say it didnt end that well. he still ignores me even though ive tried to figure out why he wont talk to me even though i dont go to that school anymore, and im much different. well needless to see, thats when i cahnged therapist, and that therapist i felt nothing with, so they changed again, with this one she made me go the emergency room. i really like d her but turns out my insurance plan at the time didnt take her grrrr. so yeah that was very bad hospital experience, i willl never ever ever wish someone to go to this hospital it was in the city, and very gloomy. it was for people with anger problems, and hello me and people with anger dont go well together. but after that i just didnt want to be in that school anymore, but they would transfer me, becasue i was in 8th grade to the end. and i started lying to them because i actually liked the attention. and well from the hospital i learned about cutting, and self harm, lets say i fell in love with it. At first it was a way to get attention im not going to lie, but then i liked the way it made me feel, because it hurt like hell the first few times, kinda like when you first start smoking but then its like you start getting these feelings in the place where you cut whenever you start getting angry, and you start acting out more, and it was crazy, but with my emotions starting to go haywire i needed it, i thought i did. and i kept going back into the hospital. but i aslo started making more of these attachemnet, and they would make me go crazy, because i thought i really cared for the person, and yeah idk. so i ad had enough they were threatning to put me in an rtf or pych(which they couldnt i didnt fit the criteria, but they didnt know i knew that) an acs had been called(due to the prinicpla who left me back because i wasnt going to school and he shouldnt have done) and then the lies, i wouldnt tell them the truth or exaggerate, now im not and it feels like a relief you dont know how good. =] so back to well i met some guys in the hospital and when we got out, we hung, introduce me to popping pills now, and drugs, but i started smoking. way before that iuse to do things with my cousins soo i wasnt naive to sex but i neve rwent that first, iw as just use to giving my um cousins blow jobs, and gettingthem off, i was very submissive, because lets just say i did alot of that thinking i was going to get what i want but then it got more and more forceful and well ok going on. andwhen luis happend when i was very young i was already use to it so i didnt think anything was wrong. ( my moms ex ex bf) and i told my mom, because i could take the fact that everyone thought he was a good guy. but then this whole case happened, and i lied again. see we did everything you could think of, he tried, but i would always stop him from going in cause it hurt like hell so to stop him i would have to let him do afew things to me. so i lied to the people who asked me questions about him. and god i feel so bad, because i lied and they knew and shoot i shouldve let him get in, cause maybe i could show them he did do those things to me. he lived with another womane and two girls at the time. i feel so guilty. you dont understand why the fuck did i have to lie, why do i still do it. i hate myself. why am i so sumissive when guys ask? thats what happend with my cousin upstate, hes fucking younger then me too. hekept asking about sex, and i was like can i show him, and well you could assume well, actually all this time was i popped a few of my pych pils at the time i use to crush and sniff, and let him touch me, iddint do anything half as bad as i use to. sometimes i wish i told people this. then the funny thing is i really dont like it. i dont fele anything when guys do it. ive done it with both guys and girls though, and i like it more with girls, why is this. but going on, when i came out of the hospital the 4tht ime i was still a virign, but i was so pissed off my hymen was really really hard to break the times i tried, idk why ive tried with a few guys. and idk why im saying this, well why everything else is going on, then there was this one guy he didnt give up lmao and i must sound slutty but trust me i was like well at least the docotr will know i fucking did something, becasue some dont believe again i lied to them, and well he did, his name was harold. i brought him over to y house alot and my mom thought he was a good friend, and i feel so bad to know that i did that shit to my mom. but i asked him and he said fine. again im telling you he did but i felt so bad. and i was like i want to keep on so i could feel something, but he kept trying and everytime it felt like the first. so i gave up and was like well i guess im meant to give blow jobs and ever since ive been asexual. which im very happy about, because nothing sexually bad has happend to me. except for when my dad makes me see my stepgrandfather, he tried to feel me when i hug him but now i dont see him i also dont talk to my cousins or anyone in my family or those people before like that. but i have these memories, and someimes i cant take it. when i cut i use to focus on that, because i felt so shitty, and im posting this shit on public site, but no one knows me. i dont give a fuck. and no one will ever think if they saw me ive done all this shit, cause im so overwehgt smost older men look at me most say im pretty if i tried i just need ot lose weight, and cold, and no where near feminim, i dont care how i dress or look, and sometimes i hate that becasue no matter how hard i try i hate looking pretty, I can't stand how most people dress pretty and flaunt, and when people in class always tell me why i dont idk why, i wish i could look pretty, but i dont se emyself and well so much shit has happened, im in a new school and no one knows anything about anu of this, the only person that remotely can pictur emy life is my coach, i guess thats why i like her, but i also feel guilty cause i lied to her too..wtf and im pretty much crying my ass off right now but i kinda feel good. oh and i saw my old therapist yesturday wen i saw my doctor and she had the nerve to smile at me and say i should think about signing back on to get on the waiting list, ith all the crap she pulled. im so alone now, in a way sometimes i wish i was back in thr past cause at least i was around people then. but i cut off everyone. and one time i tried telling my passed to this girl i thought wa smy friend, but she was a recovering addict, and like i kinda mentioned lets go high ( even i dont smoke but it was the only way i thought i connecting with her) and her mother banned me from the house, and i lost a good friend, another reason i feel bad. you probably dont want to read this and its nice if your read it to this thanks, at least someone else knows, and im not harboring all of this, i wish i could trell my mom. but ugh. this lady from church she has some obsession with trying to ge tme to heal ill tell you more about her. but right now like ive been mad depressed but not as bad as usual like the usual i dont want to get up or do anything productive im trying to change that. and ugh sorry so much, but i needed t get that out, its amzing how safe my life is now, sometimes i kinda feel empty because it is. but i have no more connections to anything..i could cut and msoke, but you know that wont work to well if i do. soon sports is over though and iwont have anything to do. ihavent been to school since last monay, and i dont know how im aproach people. i didnt even get my root canal man, my mom forgot to schedrule an appointment, and i was walk in i got there at 3:30 and had to stay to 7 just to be given a gardisil shot nd sent home...have a good day=]

[Jennifer]

yes, i read your whole post and you asked why you think you lie. People mostly lie to either protect themselves or protect others. It has become your defense mechanism/coping skill and if I had to pick between cutting or lying as an option, lying is much safer for you because it protects you from you and from others around you.

I am really glad to hear that your family/and the other guys that hurt you are in the past now and you need to make sure that it stays that way. The only way you are going to be able to do that is to start caring about yourself and who you are as a person.

Your last post, you talked about how you want to go to college and this post, you say that your grades are dropping. I do realize that smart kids can seem uncool now, but believe me when I tell you that smart kids are the coolest ones and the only reason that people make fun of them is because they wish they were smart too and cannot be so they make fun.

As far as the meds go, you need to keep on trying with them because there will be one that fits with you as well as a therapist. It can be so much easier to give up on yourself and those that try to help you, but giving up is not an option that helps you out too much. You do need to help your meds along by trying to make them work for you as much as possible.

I know there are bad therapists out there, but there are also good ones and I just hope that you can find one that you can be yourself with and feel secure enough to open up about who you are and what you want in life.

Thank-you very much for your post and sharing how you feel. Hope the cry was good for you and that you feel okay about everything you wrote.

[ciadow]

[size=18]well actually yeah i do. i kinda got it of my chest, and i tried to tell my mom, but alas i can not, well i did. but it hurts me to know that it hurts her, and its sooooo embarrassing. but she knows, eh. um. yeah ive been really confused lately. you see, i told you im really attached to my coach right? and now we have the option once the due rent is paid to get a voucher to move, anywhere. Because we've had some problems with the landlord in which he sued us, and well its solved they got in trouble and we have a settled agreement on what to pay. its just getting the money to pay longer story, in a way i badly want to move back upstate. but i also put in a request to transfer to a better school in my building and this one school thats not in my building.

im kind of afraid that i might get requested to go to that school not in my building. and when i told my coach she was like well there goes my four year project haha. but i felt bad because like well idk she was the only person ive looked up to in a while. other then my aunt who use to put me down. um but i really really want to go upstate but the problem is that my mother cant drive, and depending where we go, we'd be depending on other people including probably going back to where my aunt lives. Or on my moms friend who lives somewhere ive never been and i sounds really nice, and wed be around more people. My mom only wants to make me happy but i know that if we stay in the city she wont be too good. And i want to do what makes her happy, but then itll hurt me. even though it wont. I mean if i do get requested to go to another school in my building ill be happy, but those schools are small, and i like big schools and well gossip goes around and its not too good thinking about it now. but their both one of the best schools where i live that i can transfer to other then specialized high schools, which i couldnt take the test because well i was in the damn hospital. but the schools upstate are really good in the two places we could move to. But it might be bad because my mom cant drive, and thats been the problem in the past. although soon ill be old enough. and i already know how to drive because my dad taught me, he use to be a cab driver, and well anyway im soon old enough to drive. itll just about getting a car and stuff, again we dont have that much money. um and well idk i just want to go to a good school.

if i stay in the school im in now, even though i wont learn much could go to vermont, i might get a request to go to a better school inside this school still have that vermont offer, but i might not have friends, if i move ill be around people that are good for me, but we wont have a car and itll be good for my mom, if i stay in the city and transfer to a different school completely idk might not do too good, cause if i were to join the sports team yikes that school is in the aa division for basetball and idk about softball probably too. LAtely as i said i havent gone to school because ive been depressed, and well idk i have my meds now, i should go tomorrow but hopefully i dont have a panic attack or something. idk what ima say to my teachers or coach. i had pneumonia the first week, but when i get sick and have to stay home things start bugging me. instead of cutting i just like write on myself with a pen. for some reason ive been really week so i cant walk or exercise it hurts too much. and i just get lots of thoughts and vivid recollections of the past and convos ive had sight smell you know? thats why i think i need to go to school... or else ill get worst. um i asked my mom to get yarn so i could start crocheting again. but she didnt. tha was something i use to do. ive been trying to think of ways to cope, without grabbing my stepdads ciggs or some blades o staples or scissors anything.

you know i should be use to this feeling, it houghtt after a year it would go away? but it doesnt. i get frustrated when i try and play my guitar cause my fingers are small lmao, and when i try and study russian like i use to i get these headaches, and i think im procrastinating but im not i really try and do it, but ugh, sometimes i wsih i was religious i remeber at ime back when i felt just soo good you know. but now its like i hate being told i want the truth no bullshit. growing up around so many ifferent christian faiths its like which one is real, but then it like what i was taught when i was younger does not leave my head, so it makes it hard to look at anything else, and then im always against it. ok so about coping skills yeah, i really hate it now, but now i got my mdds, what i hate since they started giving me meds when i was younger was that they messed me up. if im not on meds i feel different, i can never feel normal again. like sometimes i wish i didnt have to but its time like when i feel like this that im like wtf drug me up. in the hospital, you would be amazed at how kids will try and get high. eh, ive stopped everything bad yet now i feel worst. and now i have to go another therapy place that ive already lied to and they expect me not to keep on i protect my territiory, and those therapist always seem to make me feel inferior and put me down, like you are sick you need help, when the fact is im very aware of what im doing, its u who keep making me sick.

and you dont understand now if they accept me which i dont im hoping we move and there the services that already have and me and its such a big mess. do you have anything or site or something on which i can do. i really really want to go vegan also haha, but my mom makes it soo hard, and school especially, cause if not id probably go hungry and i would stay in school to 7. waking up at 5. i want to be healthy but my mom makes it difficult. ok um well you know what i hate they have these dogfights near my building and it makes me sick too. you hear it at night. but i dont know whos doing it and ok off of that. yeah school is going to be a problem. i wish teachers would know that i cant focus at the moment and stuff. plus i get bored easily with my classmates...i have a chance to better my life, i guess and im just so confused ive done many mistakes with decisions like this on schools and stuff in the past. so maybe you could see past my um thoughts. i guess and see the practical solution? i think i need my reinds from upstate i was o happy with them, and my aunt had to mess it up. god sometimes i wsh i didnt do what i did, if i didnt some of this stuff would have never happened. and latelyy ive been feeling really guilty about luis i recently hear about him, and i just know that he has done this too other females, hes very good at controlling their minds and he was good looking and goodness, hes an even better liar then my father. he was with two little girls for christ sake who were my age at the time and idk you know im a try and stop thinking about that maybe he changed that was the past. but he still thinks he did nothing wrong, when they gave him that lie detector test he passed. how DID HE PASS IM TELLING YOU it happened every fucking day after school except on weekends and sometimes he would make me kiss him right when my mom was in the kitchen but you see i lied and said he didnt and stuff.

well you know right now im going off on something i wasnt asking about but is their anything i can do to stop me from feeling guilty about this? cause he literally told my aunt who he saw upstate that my mom was crazy and pressing charges on him for nothing. actually i think i have a diary well a notebook when i was little, cause he had stopped for a while actually well i found it and it makes me sick to my stomach how i thought and it was like he made me want it. but why am i thinking about this now when i shouldve thought about it then? now its been mad long since ive seen him and it comes up now? and i try and talk to my mom, but i get so angry when i talk to her, shes just so weak and pathetic to me. and i want to cry. but it doesnt help, cause again i dont feel cause of these pills, it just empty, ive been feeling lately though, but its not like now feelings, its like i feel im in the position i was in from back then. why when i didnt feel that back then? well anyways you know im fine but its like im not thinking about death i just want to get through these feelings, i would just love to ride my bike outside, but i live in the damn city. and the parks around here arent that good. that use to be my coping skill or talk with this kid named cortez who i miss dearly but all my stupid stuff is still in my aunts house. including his number. he was my rock. he never took advantage of me we would just walk around and talk, and watch action movies, eating spicy food that i hated but his mom cooked lol. i just hope he forgives me for not talking to him.

[Jennifer]

Hey
Is it up to you if you switch schools or not? Sounds as if you have two things going for you at this school, sports and the possibility of going to college but if you don't even drive yet that means thatyou have a few years to college and if your not going to school, your grades will be dropping which i hope they are not. For you, finding a nice enviroment would be great and benefical to you and I hope that you can.

Don't think you are going to "get over" being depressed by staying at home because all you are doing is thinking about things and i'm sure that is bringing your mood down.

As far as your past goes, at some point you will have to either confront and make peace with them or forgive/forget. When you are ready for this, you will know and you will be able to do something about it.

Can't you look up your friend on the web? If you do know his parents names, you can look up his number.

Any coping skills that you can find would be good, seems as if you like writing, if you do, you can try doing creative writing to express how you feel.

Not sure how the vegan thing will work out, but it is always a good idea to try to be as healthy as you can be.

[ciadow]

yup i know it was just a thought being vegan i think i like chicken too much lol but actually its my moms idea cause we use to be and i really want to lose weight. but no matte r how much she says she wants to be she will serve me meat, and its not funny cause because of that she took me to one of those places that kills animals such as rabbits and chickens, and i saw them get killed ewwwwww. but w/e

lol that's not much help, same conclusion i came to but actually i think i really need a therapist so i can see a pysch... But idk, actually i dont remember his last name i never asked. for a while i use to think cortez was his last name and that was his nickname since he looked black, but hes half Hispanic.

im sorry ive been whining so much i know i dont have it that bad. schools almost over i can deal. yup yup. thank your for reading at least i dont feel like i'm harboring something all the time.some other stuff is on my mind. but im not going to keep whining. im bound to break but you know what, whats the point of thinking about stuff. And yeah my grades are dropping. Even though i get 90s on test without trying i haven't been doing everything else. in this school like the science isnt so good, since we hardly have money and our teacher doesnt care, he tells us the schools going to shut down in two years and that we dont care. i do. except he acts like an angel in front of our assitant prinicpal i really really want to well, hes the only class that i could care less in, and believe it or not since i took all my other regents for this year in February i only have to take his now, ill probably get a max of 75 on it.

im going to do summer school so i can get ahead. my guidance counselor said i could. i was thinking of that if i stay. but the thing is upstate my teachers seemed to care, and in the ether schools the teachers seem to care. in this school, if you dont get something they tell you go to tutoring. but its w/e all the kids in my school are very ghetto. and most dont care. i sometimes feel bad because they make minorities like me look stupid when we say we need help. i dont understand why when there is so much for us, people dont take advantage of it. its kinda sad though because i dont speak Spanish. and because of that most don't consider me like part, and i look white. um i really do love my mom and your right it is my grieving process. but i know my mom isnt really bad. its just for some reason i feel very uncomfortable around her.

i thank you for taking the time to read my rants. hope your doing well.
i hope i go back to being numb. but not really. i use to love writing. i told you that, im still good at it. i just wouldnt know what to write about , i dont want to be negative, i use to write a lot about blood and cutting and dying. i dont want to write like that anymore, but im not exactly positive lol.
????

well im trying not to dwell you know =] its not easy
i know theres not much you could help me with.
but you kinda have just by replying to me so thanks.
and i was kind of afraid that i was going to the emergency room again tonight since my mom couldnt get meds i dont have any refills, and i was going to have to lie, they already know me there but i have one final appointment with the pych from the place i use to go because i dont go there anymore tomorrow YAY. now my mom has to look for a place, and its not easy cause ive already gone to most of them around this area, thats another reason i was thinking of moving. cause here they do it by zone. and there the waiting list and all that. ugh. sometimes i wish i could do it online but i cant. i hate talking face to face if you havent noticed. You see how much i write here, if you met me in real life you probably wont get more then 15 words out of me. that would be my greeting, a few yes or no's and bye. that's why i write so much because i keep everything in my head. and it probably must be a pain to read, this text and stuff. but i just really appreciate it, i feel like most people don't really care much for me im another patient. and i mean its true but i least i get it out. i was getting even worst i had all of that inside. ive felt better then i have for a while. =] im thinking of doing my hair lol

[Jennifer]

your hair huh, sound great! As far as people caring, you are right in that respect that not many do and there are only a few out there that do and I surely hope that you find more of them. If you let your grades drop, you are only hurting yourself, and not showing the school or teachers anything.

Chicken is good to like and there is nothing wrong with that. you can be heatlthy without being a vegan and you don't need anything else to feel guility about.

As far as the writing goes, just start and see what happens, if it gets too dark, then throw it away and keep on trying. keep trying until it works for you.

have a great day!

[ciadow]

you know when you have the weirdest aha moments. eh ok
so today went pretty badly, and on top of that i went to get the root canal done. psh, it hurts now.

school...idk about school...ima try to do good, but now like coach idk. softball almost over playoffs, im pretty sure were get taken out first round. i think i still owe 18 dollars for candy money i never sold, ive sold 7 bags already had to pay for most. im telling you the candy taste nasty. i didnt get to do my hair, but its alright, only one day i have to go then memorial day weekend.

i messed up so bad missing so much. you know what its alright no one cared, i just got to do it for me and get back on the right track. i want to move and idk. i hate being so unsure of things lol. my moms blood pressure been extremely high for the past 3 weeks, getting higher, yet she we still continue eating the way she does, and it doesnt help how we aggravate each other. im afraid.

um therapy,is an icky situation but you know im going to have to go with it. psh.

im soo hungry lol i forgot to eat before i got it done, and all i have was soup now, and drinking juice. YAY. writing. my mind goes blank. my imagination has become very shallow. hopefuly i do good in school. but in a way to me its w/e now, and then its not. im very sleepy, and dont know what to write, im pretty good at the moment. thanks for staying with me.

[Jennifer]

yeah, root canals are terrible, but at least it is over and you can get back to what you need to get back to you.

sorry to hear that nobody cares and you are right that it is you that needs to care and that is all that matters.

I know that you feel responsible for your mom, but maybe you need to back off on her abit and let her make her own choices. You cannot make her do something that she doesn't want to do and that is frustrating for both of you. the lines of parent/child are non existant in your relationship and you seem as if you are the caretaker.

Are there other sports you can sign up for in the summer? When will you know if you are moving or not?

Have a nice day

[ciadow]

yup that they are.

most therapist tell me that...in a way i guess it's true. There's many reason to that i guess i shouldn't but yeah.

well my mom has to pay off the old rent and then we get a voucher and then yeah whatever happens after that.


and most sports you sign up in the summer you have to pay being under 14 and if your over you would have had to started in march. I wouldve being doing basketball right now if i wasnt in softball and i wouldve had something to do in the summer. so im kinda mad at myself. but not really.

and yeah i have to let her do what her do, i have no say anyway, its the outcomes i worry about.

my mom had a mri done and they found more stuff wrong with just more stuff she can say for pain. i wish she could just do regular things and not have a dam home attendant, and the funny thing my mom wasting money on online school when shes probably never going to work again.

i want to move upstate but idk. peace. what can i do?