MOTIVATION....Please?

[TwinkleJ]

I have an issue with finding motivation to be a good wife and mom. I love my husband and my two children dearly, but sometimes I show it in little ways that don't necessarily contribute to the general well being of my family. Before you think I'm a horrible person, here is an example: instead of cleaning up the house, which is what my husband really wants me to do, I will go out and rent a movie, get a nightie, and waste my evening making a mixed CD of our songs. Not that my husband does not appreciate things like that, but he would be more turned on by walking into a beautiful clean house, and me in an apron rather than in a nightie surrounded by clutter. I know this, yet still I procrastinate, doing things that interest me first, and putting housework and such last. Then, after thinking all night that at a certain time I will start cleaning, I run out of time and end up frantically straightening up, which is obvious to him, fifteen minutes before he arrives home from work.

This is putting a strain on our relationship, and while my husband used to help me with housework, lately he figures that if I don't care, he won't care, and we continue on a sick cycle. We have gotten into fights where I have said to him, "You don't show me that you love me anymore!" and he communicates that ALL he asks is that the house be straightened up, and by not showing an effort to do so, I cause him to feel unloved as well. I don't want him to feel unloved, I just can't find any joy whatsoever in being a typical housewife. I am a creative soul, creative and unorganized, and I have always been that way...how do I change this so that I don't feel like such a failure at being a responsible adult?

We married young, and I was not ready (although I thought I was) to grow up, and having our first child forced me to face responsibility. Then, five years later, we had another child (he will be a year old next week), and it just feels a whole lot harder to keep up than it was with just one child. I am tired a lot, and if I lay down for even a minute (especially after I eat) I am out...this also takes time away from things. I am not working right now, so I feel that I have no excuse to not keep up with our house. I just want to be a good mom to my kids, and wife to my husband...I want to feel proud of my house, not ashamed, and proud of myself as well. I want to have my kids on a schedule where I cook breakfast every morning, have dinner ready at 5pm every evening, 7:30pm is bathtime, and 9:00 is bedtime, but I have always had a time management problem, so minutes go by sometimes like seconds, and I feel like time moves so quickly and, like that, the night is over. I really hope I can get some kind of advice to save me from myself! PLEASE HELP!

[Jennifer]

Hey
No need to change who you are to be in a relationship, it doesn't work. I am hearing that you feel as if your creativiness is being pushed down to household work which should not be the case. All couples have there issues that they fight over and I believe (based on what you are saying) that keeping a clean house goes against who you are?

In saying that, you and your husband need to find other ways to show each other that their is love. Your way of teddy's and such is not working and his way of needing a clean house is not working. You both need to compromise and come up with alternatives which i am sure that you can do.

Can't blame him for not helping with the house anymore because he doesn't see a point. Work on this with him and get back to lovin each other which you still do, just not showing/telling each other.

[TwinkleJ]

Thanks for your advice, and I really do feel like you are right in that it goes against who I am to keep a clean house, but I don't want to make that my excuse to rely on my husband to do it (because someone has to). I also don't know how to talk to him about the issue and what ideas to suggest for a compromise. See, we used to fight a lot...not just arguing though, it used to get physical, and he went to a group session on anger management and has been doing great with controlling his actions when he gets angry. I kind of think that he feels that since he has changed, I have to change. I understand his point of view, but there is a difference between having an anger problem, and being unorganized. I wouldn't mind keeping after the house, too, if I had help. When I was growing up, everyone pitched in to help my mother, and it was the same at my husband's house. We helped clean up after dinner, took our dirty clothes to the laundry room, threw our own garbage away, etc. In short, we did our part. I don't know how to get my husband to see that I am trying to keep after things, but he is not helping matters by not picking up after himself, and that even if I work on it every day, it will not be perfect overnight. See, our house has gotten progressively worse, and it's not like I don't do anything, I just can't do it all.

It's like if every day you put two pennies in a jar but only take one away... after a month you will have thirty pennies in the jar. At that point, even if you start taking three pennies out a day, it would still take almost 17 days to completely empty the jar (assuming you are still putting two pennies in a day). My husband doesn't seem to understand this concept. I am only one person, expected to keep after three people other than myself...without any help and because I have fallen behind, he won't help at all now. It's not that I don't care. I do, and I understand why he's upset, I really do...I keep thinking that all I need is for the house to be completely clean and organized, and maintaining it will not be hard, it's just finding time to maintain AND clean the backed up clutter...it's just not working. I feel like I'm drowning! Any other advice?

[Jennifer]

I hope that just writing that made you have an "a ha" moment because what you said is that you are used to everyone pitching in not you being soley responsible for the housework.

that part of you needs to be explained to your husband when you both are calm.

that is great about him improving his coping skills and hopefully you too can come to a compromise on this.

I share a house with someone that does not care about the little details as such as picking up after himself. I love him to death, but as he jokes, this is the one thing that will drive me crazy.

We all have qualities that we wished that we could change in the ones we love, especially the ones that we live with, but we can't and the golden rule is compromise compromise and more compromise.