Low self-esteem, insecurity and depression

[claire_30]

Hello,

I think I have always had a problem regarding with low self esteem, insecurity and maybe a bit of depression. But I always considered myself a strong and independent person, so I’ve never looked for help. But now I realize that these problems are making my life difficult.

I am a female, 30 years old and I am living with my boyfriend who I have a relationship since 2001. I graduate in Biology Sciences in South America and in the lasts years of my studies I came back to my dance classes.

After my graduation, I worked as biologist teacher and researcher, but I never felt secure enough with my knowledge in Biology. It seemed that I didn’t know enough, even though I was one of the best students during the university.

In parallel with my work as teacher I also started to perform and eventually I took part in some dance auditions in which I was very successful.

After a while I decided to work just with dance and gave up of biology. I moved to Europe, and I still work as dance teacher and performer, I am invited to several festivals and many people say that I am good. I also consider myself good. But for some reason I am never satisfied.

I hardly watch the videos of my shows. I am really afraid to see my mistakes and when I do I feel that I am far away where I want to be. I think I am too short, I am to thin, my costume was not good. I am too critic to myself. It seems that I would like to be another person.

At the same time I want to be better I don’t feel like practicing anymore. It is like I don’t feel motivated or something.

I remember that when I was teenager I thought that I was really ugly and that I couldn’t see any videos or photos of myself either.

My fear is that I will stop dance in a short future. And the same what happened with biology will happen with my dance: disappear of my life.

I am studying a lot to learn the language of the country where I am living now and also studying web design and programming. These studies take mostly of my energy. I am really hoping that in the future I will be able to work with internet and keep my work with dance.

But as I said before my self-criticism is making it difficult to work with dance specially to perform. I am feeling very nervous before go to stage. I always ask: “oh my God what I am doing here?” Before I start my show, I feel so nervous that I get desperate. I love to perform. I enjoy my moment. But it is like a fear is dominating me.

The other problem that I have is about job interviews. I become so nervous that I never get it. It seems that if somehow people are judging me I lose my floor and become completely unsecured.

I don’t know what to do. I know I am able to do all I want, but this insecurity is destroying my life and all my possibilities.

Background:
PS: I also would like to tell about my childhood, because I think this is the source of my psychological problems. At least I blame my parents.

My mother was really young when she got pregnant of me (21). She had to get married in hurry, before the belly started growing. I always felt that my mother didn’t like me enough. I remember she being always depressed and taking some medicines for that.

I also think that my parents didn’t support me when I needed, because they were always so involved with their own problems. I always had ideas and was creative, especially to arts, dancing, drawing and writing.

When I was about 9, I realize my mother was having an affair with a man that was friend of my parents. He worked with her in a bank. And he and his wife used to travel to our summer house during the vacations with us. I knew everything. I remember that one Sunday my parents was gone to a friend’s house to play cards and when they got back, my father was screaming, hurting my mom. She was crying. Then I realized she had told my father about the affair. After that day I never had peace in my life.

My father started to drink every day. I just remember my father drank. He hit my mother. They fought. I was really afraid that some day he would kill her, or maybe kill himself. I hated both of them for make my sister’s life and mine so miserable.

We moved to another city when I was 13. Maybe they wanted to try another life or something. It was hard for me, because of my accent. I hated my new school, the colleagues and the teachers.
I, that had always being one of the best students of my class, was not motivated to study anymore.

My father kept drinking. When I was about 20 years old (already at the university) I realized that something was going on with my father, maybe an affair. He was never at home. And I got into my limit. I sent him away.

Finally I was free. I thought my mother would be happy. But she felt miserable after my father got away. She cried every day. Almost 10 years later she hasn’t got a new boyfriend. I feel guilty for sending my father away from our lives. But I still think it was the best decision.

After that, I felt that I needed to give some support to my mother. Be her company, since my sister was always in parties. In 2005 I had an opportunity to move to Europe with my boyfriend and I am living here since then.

I would like to ignore all my past, and start my life all over again with confidence. But it seems that I have a chain that pulls me back to my memories.

I don’t know if I should take a medicine, or do some therapy. I just know that I would like to be confident and have my energy back.

[Jennifer]

Hey
I will always recommend individual therapy because it can only help and never hurt. Not sure if you have low self esteem or a perfectionist or both?

Either way, the past is not going to get you past your present. What do you want to accomplish now? Seems as if you excel at everything that you do (at least it appears that way on the outside) and on the inside you don't feel accomplished at all.

So where to start? You tell me, How is the boyfriend?

[claire_30]

I hope during the summer I will have time to try some therapy. I am saving some money for that.

I don't understand, I think that if I am never satisfied with my things it could mean that I have low self esteem. Specially because I don't feel confident at all, though sometimes it seems (on the outside) that I am.

I just want to feel good, to love myself and become less neurotic or maybe more relaxed. Is there a medicine for that?

My boyfriend is a very nice person. We love each other and we have a very good relationship. He came to Europe to do his PhD studies. He works a lot. He miss the beaches and the sea and therefore he is not totally happy here. We will go back to south America in 2 or 3 years. He put almost 20 kilos since we moved (he was very thin, though) . Our sexual life is a bit slow lately.

We are very close to each other and we do everything together, like gym, yoga, go out at night, travel. We like to buy movies and series to watch during the weekends for example.

We have some friends, we normally meet them on Fridays and we have dinner together. Sometimes we go to the movie, or play video games, ski, etc. Mostly of our friends are related with our job or school.

We have contact with our family everyday via Skype.

But our priority here is to study and to learn as much as we can and to save some money, so when we come back we will be able to find a good job or open our own company or something. This is the idea!

We hope to have baby in 3 or 4 years.

[Jennifer]

no medications for trying to improve your life. I cannot tell if your issue is low self esteem or trying to be a perfectionist, or it could be both. If you always strive to be the best then you will always fall short of your goal because there is no such thing.

The best/easiest way to improve self esteem is to find realistic goals and accomplish them, even if it is on a daily basis.

Glad to hear that you and your boyfriend are good and it is nice to know that you have future plans together.

This will take some probing and that is why I ask the questions that i ask so we can get you where you need/want to be.

What is your idea of perfection for yourself?

[TwinkleJ]

I know that you haven't responded in a few days, and I hope you are still wanting to talk about your issues. I read your posts, and, although I am not a doctor, I am very good with diagnosing problems and I have a website for you:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_types_symptoms_treatment.htm

I know that Jennifer said that she's not sure if you suffer from being a perfectionist or having low self esteem, but that website is about anxiety. It seems to me that you, in fact, suffer from what she suggested, but because of the way you feel before your dance performances, and your feeling that bad things may happen to you and your career, you may have anxiety problems. There is a checklist on that website which will help you further determine if you have an anxiety problem and there are medications for anxiety.

You said about saving money to go to a doctor, so I'm assuming that you don't have medical insurance. Have you looked into free treatment? I live in the US, so I am not familiar with Europe's medical system, but you may be able to receive free or reduced priced treatment....Like I said, I am not a doctor, but I just thought you may benefit from that website. Good luck and I hope it helps.
_________________
~*Keep On Shining*~

[claire_30]

Hej TwinkleJ,

Yes, I have medical insurance and they also offer public therapy, but we have to wait some weeks. The thing is that I don't speak the language very good, so I am looking for someone who I could speak English and they are normally private doctors. I will check your website. I haven't think of anxiety. I will check your website.

The thing is that I am never satisfied with my things and the people that I know normally say that to me: maybe you suffer from low self esteem. I also draw but it is really difficult for me to be satisfied with my work.

Jennifer,

I don't want to be perfect. I just want to do less mistakes. I think I make mistakes all the time. In my behavior, in my school, with people... I speak too loud...


I don't know. It is hard to explain. I also feel guilty about everything. I usually judge people a lot. I don't say that to them. But it's happen in my mind. And then I avoid some of them, because I think that maybe they are not good people or because they irritate me.

So it is hard for me to have a deep friendship with anyone. I like to go out, to meet them, but nothing besides that..

My boyfriend says that I should be more tolerant and patience with others. I want to be, but it is hard to change our thoughts and feelings.

[TwinkleJ]

I could not imagine how it would be for me to be in a different country where I don't speak the language very well. I'm sure your inability to speak the language fluently is also contributing to your insecurity. What language do they speak? I should know more than anyone what it feels like to make mistakes. I have made many mistakes through out my 26 years of life! It has gotten to the point where I have realized that mistakes are a normal part of life, and we all make mistakes...it it what we learn from the mistakes that matters. You will always make mistakes, you have to stop beating yourself up over them. Good luck and I hope the website helped.
_________________
~*Keep On Shining*~

[Jennifer]

I agree with twinkle, it must be hard to not speak the language and feel out of place with the people around you.

i just want you to be okay with who you are and that is starting with looking inside and forgetting about the other people and what they think. people are always going to have opinions about things and they might agree or disagree with you, doesn't matter as long as you know how you feel.

take a step back and try to figure out how you feel

[claire_30]

I am felling down lately and decided to come back here to read the messages I wrote in the past and to compare my feelings. Coincidence or not, the first time I wrote here was exactly for two years ago.

My feelings and my life are mostly the same. I'm still in Europe and working as dance teacher. The difference now is that I'm 32 years old, I speak and understand Swedish well and I am back to the University studying a two years program, called web development.

During these two years I tried cognitive therapy over the internet, job coach, life coach, yoga, meditation, I take 5ml of fish oil every day. I go to bodyPump three times per week.

I drink very little maybe once a month, I try to meet people I know twice a month and I also play Lasegame with a group of people about once a month (the most fun thing I've been doing actually). Which means that I try to have a well balanced life in all aspects.

My sex life is very slow, we have had sex once a month. It is something that I don't feel that passion for my boyfriend anymore. Our intimacy disappeared. He doesn't come to me either, but I don't think he has an affair or anything.

Sometimes I wish to meet another person, an interesting and beautiful man, and could feel all that passion back in my life.

At school, I am the oldest in my class and also the only woman. It's hard in all aspects. The lectures are in Swedish, it requires 100% of my time and I have no friends in my class. I feel old.

I've read everything, from "The power of now" to "How to make friends and influence people". Nothing makes me feel better. I have to admit I am not the happiest nor the popular person in the world.

I am worried all the time:

That I will never be economically independent, that I will be poor forever.

That I will never have children.

That maybe I don't like my living-boyfriend anymore, should I finish my relationship?

Should I come back to Brazil and start all over or should I insist in Sweden?


Sometimes I wonder how it would be if I did not exist. I don't mean I want to kill myself or anything, but just to have the peace and the freedom to disappear.

I need help and hope.

[claire_30]

I've been felling down lately and decided to come back here to read the messages I wrote in the past and to compare my feelings. Coincidence or not, the first time I joined the forum was exactly for two years ago. I'm glad it still exists. I'm thankful for that and I believe you help many people with this service.

My feelings and my life are mostly the same. I'm still in Europe and working as dance teacher. The difference now is that I'm 32 years old, I speak and understand Swedish well and I am back to the University studying a two years program, called web development. During these two years I tried cognitive therapy over the internet, job coach, life coach, yoga, meditation, I take 5ml of fish oil every day. I go to bodyPump three times per week.
I drink very little maybe once a month, I try to meet people I know twice a month and I also play Lasegame with a group of people about once a month (the most fun thing I've been doing actually). Which means that I try to have a well balanced life in all aspects.

However my sex life is very slow, we have had sex once a month. It is something that I don't feel that passion for my boyfriend anymore. Our intimacy disappeared. He doesn't come to me either, but I don't think he has an affair or anything. Sometimes I wish to meet another person, an interesting and beautiful man, and could feel all that passion back in my life.

At university, I am the oldest in my class and also the only woman. It's hard in all aspects. The lectures are in Swedish, it requires 100% of my time and I have no friends in my class. I feel old. I've read everything, from "The power of now" to "How to make friends and influence people". Nothing makes me feel better. I have to admit I am not the happiest nor the popular person in the world.

I am worried all the time:

- That I will never be economically independent.
- That I will never have children.
- That maybe I don't like my living-boyfriend anymore, should I finish my relationship?
- Should I come back to Brazil and start all over or should I insist in Sweden?

Sometimes I wonder how it would be if I did not exist.
I don't mean I want to kill myself or anything, but just to have the freedom to be able to disappear or take a break of myself.

[Jennifer]

Hey
I read your post and all i can see is positive in your life, except for your relationship which seems to be on your mind. Is he the kind of guy that you can bring up the lack of intimacy and your worries about your future, kids etc? Sounds as if you are rocking in your own personal life with school and your indivdual self hobbies