Lost myself... Get a nice beverage to read- long post

[Flutterby]

Hello,
This is a first for me so I am very nervous. Please bear with my story and help me to figure a few things out.

I am a 22 yr old female and I have been feeling very lost within myself lately. I have been trying to be by myself in the sense that I am emotionally independent and actually enjoy my own company. As time passes I realize that when I was much younger I loved being alone with nature and just ejoying my own thoughts and freedom, but fro some reason since I have become a young woman I simply cannot stand being alone. My family and friends have said that I need to try being single for a while, but it just seems so difficult to achieve. Perhaps I should start at the beginning...at least, what I see as the beginning.

When I was a child I was bright and outgoing. I loved adventure and new experiences and absolutely delighhted in being outside and by myself, just exploring everything aoround me, including people. I was bold and curious and (according to those who raised me) smart.

Then when I was about 14, my uncle tried to molest me. That was only the beginning of a downward spiral for my life. He was only the first of many to destroy the happy lively girl I was. During the 'uncle incident' I had beenf frozen with fear for a few seconds until I finally broke from it and removed myself from the situation. He was staying at my house at the time, so I got a kitchen knife and slept with it under my pillow that night. My older sister convinced me to tell my parents, and at the time I fet they didn't believe me and did nothing about it, but now I know they did what they could at the time.
Then when I was about 15, I was camping in a high school military organization when the boy I liked also violated me. He then proceeded to tell me he coudln't believe I just "allowed him to do that." My mother, years later, has said that I should forgive him and forget about it, based on teh fact that he was just a boy and they sometimes do that. But I had planned to hurt him badly, but my compassion for humans and complete lack of backbone stopped me from doing so. Now, I feel like the idiot deserves a good beating, to stop him from doing that to anyone else.
Then there was a Sgt. in the same military organization who was turtoring me in math. He too allowed his hormones to get the best of him. I didn't go back for any more tutoring, but I told no one of his deed.
Then, when I was 17, I graduated from high school (in my country we graduate from 11th grade) and went to spend the summer with my older half sister in her town. I do not remeber much about that summer except what happened with her and her boyfriend. Basically, they decided that it was time for me to have certain experiences since I was growing up. I am trying to put this as vaguley as possible because I am not quite sure what I am allowed to stae, but basically they both molested me.
That summer I was old enough to have a boyfriend, and finaly interested in an actual relationship. After the horribe summer I spent with my sister and her sorry excuse for a man, I went back to my town to enroll in what is the equivalent of precollege (which is an additional two years of high school- 12th grade). I deided to enter into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with the guy I liked. I was different htough, and he could tell. I would curse, and I was dark and frustrated and I was terribly depressed. I had begun cutting myself when I was younger, about 15 or 16..I can't remember. But it got much worse after that summer. Before that summer, I would do it only at home and then I wouldn't do it that often. But after, I had to do it at school in the bathroom whenever I got frustrated or upset. And we started having arguments. At some point I told him what happened. And he told me if I loved him and wanted to prove that the whole thing wasn't my fault I would 'give myself' to him. I wanted to prove my innocence and love, so against my beliefs and desires, I did. And that is when I became suicidal. The relationship got much worse. He was angry and hostile most of the time, and had started to put his hands on my thoat whenever I started with my uncontrollable crying. He would shout at me to stop crying, and then he would ignore me. He isolated me from my friends and poisoned my mind against my parents. My friends when they DID see me noticed that I was acutter and threatened to report me to the school counselor if I didn't go to her myself. So I finally went to her. My mother found out too, and went ballistic. I went to the school counselor, who sent me to a psychologist, who diagnosed me with OCD. He based it on the fact that I hated when people touched me, refused to shake anyone's hands, and I wore latex gloves and carried a bottle of bleach with me to school when conjunctivitis broke out. I also hated odd numbers and liked everything in even numbers, multiples of four preferrably. Plus I hated public bathrooms and would only use them if I ABSOLUTELY had to (I even peed myself once because I was trying not to have to use the school bathroom...haha..). But that idiot told me it was normal for such things to happen to girls and I should just get over it...of course I never told him about my sordid situation with my sister. No one knew except my boyfriend. Still, I think he was an idiot and so I never bothered going back to see him.
When I was 19 I tried to kill myself. I swallowed 20 pills exaclty, a nice even number. I thought f my little sister and soon changed my mind about wanting to die. When my family came home I told them what happened and gave them my suicide letter, which explained the whole thing with my sister, who I now call my EX-sister, and they took me to the hospital after much discussion. Thankfully, everything I swallowed was harmless, so I was fine. I got a government issued psychiatrist who helped me a little over the next months of my life. I eventually stopped seeing her, about 6 to 8 months after and graduated from 12th grade, then went to the town to do my SAT's so I could go to school in the states. Oh yes, when I was 19, I also became pregnant and my boyfriend forced me to abort it. I never wanted to do such a thing, but I did. I am still coming to terms with that. I do not remember if I tried to die before or after the abortion, but I think it was before. Anyways, while I was studying fior the SAT's, my boyfriend treated me horribly, accusing me of cheating and all sorts of foolishness since he was in the country area and I was in the town. I cried ever night during that time, especially during my menses because it felt so wrong to have them when I should've been pregnant. HWat made it worse was that both my olderhalf sisters were also pregnant at the same time. I was terribly jealous, especuially of the one who hurt me, because I thought she did not deserve to have a child when I could not. Anyways, I was ravaged with despair during tha time, and when I finally went home, I was becoming tired of his mind games and anger towards me. I went to a teen counselor as a couple and thought that perhaps he was finding it hard to deal with my past and what happened between us. I thought I loved him, and wanted to save him and our relationship. The couselor asked me one question, which got me think. She asked me why I loved him. And evrything I could say in answer to that didn't exist anymore, so I began to think about breaking up with him.
Right before I turned 20, I entered a singing competition and a pageant. He became angry that I talked with the male members of the crew, but there were ONLY male members so I argued with him. Then he implied that I would not win the pageant because of my 'belly' which was a touchy subject for me, because ever since the pregnancy I became very emotional about my 'belly'. Anyways, during the pageant, I had a very heated fight with him. The trainer had offered me 'personal training' and I thought that all teh girls received this so I just took it. During the sessions, though, I was to reemove my clothing down to my under garments and be viewed for areas of concentration and for deep tissue massage after workouts. I thought it was strange and was very uncomfortable, but did what I was told. Then I heard from a gym worker tht the trainer was not allowed to do what he was doing, and I told my boyfriend. He hit the roof, saying that I should not report it to the pageant coordinator because people would think I tried to 'get with' the guy but he turned me down and i made up the story. I argued that he could be doing that to other girls and maybe even worse. That was teh first physical figth we had. It was also the last. I broke up with him after reporting teh trainer to the cooridnator. The coordinator said that it was normal, but I didn't have to do it if I didn't want to.
I ended that relationship and went throught the pageant. I placed in the top five. Then I went through another pageant, this one was bigger and I placed top ten. It was a huge booster to my confidence and self esteem. I met a lovely guy and decided to date him. The relationship was mostly phone, but on weekends I went to spend time with him. I wanted to see if intercourse was really enjoyable and so I tried with him. It didn't hurt, and that was 100% improvement to me. I still had no connection though, and it didn't interest me much. I never had any interest in any physical intimate acts until I came to the states when I was 20 and met a guy from my country. He was the first guy I was physically attracted to and we instantly became very close. I fell in love with him very fast and quite hard. I left the one month relationship and entered into a relationship with him. I told him my past and all the messed up feelings and thoughts I had from time to time, and he promised to try to help me. When I met him I could not walk on grass fro fear of germs, I would not touch public doors and would let him open all the doors for me when we went out. I cried for no apparent reason at times and I found it VERY hard to trust him not to hit me orhurt me. But as time went on, he gently reassured me that I was safe, and I gradually became more confident and felt more like myself. And I ENJOYED all the physical apsects of the relationship. I felt like a flower blooming in fresh air for the first time. Anyways....he helped me to ovecoem meany things, and now I can walk on grass and open my own doors and so on. After a year I think he strated growing tired of my PMS moments when I would just break down and become suicidal all over again. So after two years, and about three break-ups and make-ups, we decided to just end it. It was a very messy ending because we were never on the same page and when he thought we were over, I thought we were trying, and he thought we were trying, I htought we were over. It ended up with me doing something VERY stupid. I met a guy who I knew form my country and had liked alot. I started seing him and eventually had relations with him. My ex, I should just call him J, could not believe I had done that and felt as though I had cheated on him. It was a very weird time for me. I was dating the new guy while J and I remained friends with benifits because the new guy said he had no intention of making me his girlfriend. eventually I stopped 'being with' J and tried just hanging out with him instead. I wanted the new guy to make me his girlfriend because I wanted more than just a stupid physical relationship. He refused though. After six months of seeing him, I became quite frustrated at his stubbornness. I started talking to my coworker, who quickly became my friend, who quickly became an interest. My coworker, now new interest, encouraged me to end my relationships with both J and the current guy. So, I broke things off with the guy, and became my coworker's girlfriend. We were fine for a while, he was a Christian and didn't want to have intercourse until marriage and I welcomed that. I never wanted to have any form of physical relationship again. Plus I told him about my past because he asked and then he had a HUGE problem with the number of partners I've had. He almost broke up with me in the beginning of our relationship because of it. Anyways.... I went into that relationship knowing it would not last long, but hoping it would work all the same. I knew I still had feelings for J, and tried to get rid of them. I had many things in common with my coworker, and thought it would really work. I liked him, and he was an excellent companion, but I became afraid of him as time passed and he revealed himslef to me. He would get irrational whenever he got angry, especially while driving, and would take out his frustrations on me. That scared me and his hostility made me feel very small and sick.... feelings I had while with my first boyfriend were suddenly reawakened and I talked myself out of them, telling myself I was being silly. I went through this with each guy I dated, they would do things that would remind me of my first ex and I would panic. Well, I regret not following my instintcual fear, because my coworker/ex raped me one night in his blind rage. I decided to forgive him when he begged me to (he was crying and I thought it was genuine remorse). But then during the days and weks that followed, I felt myself slipping. I didnt want him near me, I dint want him touching me..... I just felt sick and cut off from myself. And then I couldn't get J out of my mind. My cowrker/ex had tried to get me to stop talking to J for a long time during the realtionship. I had stopped talking to J for about two months, thinking it was ok during the initial phases of my new relationship, since I wanted it to work. J was very hurt and felt that I had chosen this new guy over him. Anyways, I started talking to him again, and had an overwhelming aching to be with him. When the rape happend, all I could think was that he was teh only one who ever really loved me and cared for me. And all I wanted was to be with him again, to feel safe again. So I ended things with cowrkr/ex and he couldnt believe it. He became very hostile and wanted to erase my existence from his life. But I still cared for him, fr some strange and stupid unfathomable reason, so i begged him to let us remain friends. After much fluctuation, he agreed. But then after three weeks of emails where he is wanting to know how I am and so on, I have become very angry towards him. He still insists it is "not a big deal" what he did and I would like to just scream at him and beat it into his thick skull that rape is a BIG DEAL. I wrote him an email in which I exlplain whta it was liek to have someone I trust violate me in that manner, but I have not sent it. For osme reason, I always fear that if I get too honest with people about how I feel, I would hurt them too much and somethign bad will happen. So I am always nice no matter what whenevr I break a relationship off. I am terribly afraid of hurting people's feelings. It is ridiculous and I know it, I just can't seem to get over it.

Having said all that, I apologize for the length of this post. I have a few goals I need help in reach but I cannot afford anything right now, as I am without a job and my family is struggling. These are my goals: I want to learn to be without a boyfriend, because right now I am treating J as if he is my boyfriend and it hurts me to bits when I remember he isn't (obviosly I am still hopelessly in love with him). I realize that I have alot of work to do on myself. And that is what I want to do before I enter any relationship from here on. ANother goal is that I want to find myself again. I want to be able to be alone and LIKE it. Right now I feel like I will go mad if I am alone. I would like also to deal with my OCD but that will have to wait until I can afford the help I need with that. Right now, I just want to feel normal again.

What I need your help with is to get out of this ditch I am in right now. For the past three weeks I have felt as though I am trapped inside myself and all I want to do is scream and let all my rage out. I have been very sad and frustrated and angry all at once and I don't know what to do with myself. I have been spenidng ost of my time with J because he is the only frined I have at the moment who I can see and hang out with. I have been simply existing the past few weeks, just doing things on automatic pilot, and existing. And then last week my mother forced me to tell her what happened with coworker/ex and hearing her say those words just made something inside me break. I don't know what it is, but I just didn't want her to know because I feel like now she will see me differently and I feel I have failed her somehow. I also feel like she now has to deal with the pain of knowing all of the crap her daughter has been through. I wanted to spare her that knowledge and pain. I wanted her to thin that evrything was fine. After she found out, I couldn't look her in the eyes anymore. I feel so ashamed and horrible and disgusting. I am hurting so badly and I have no idea what to do with myself. The day before yesterday I finally cried and let it all out. J was with me, and he helped by saying that I shouldn't be ashamed and that my mother wouldn't think I am disgusting. I still feel that way though. I didn't realize that I have felt cut off and isolated from the world untill my mother said last week that I have not been myself lately.

So I ask you, please help me to be myself again. I want back my old courage and spunk that I used to have. I want my boldness and confidence and the power I used to have. I am hoping that it is possible for me to harness these qualities and take on the world again. Please help me to do so. Well, just do what you can, I will be quite grateful.

Thank you,
Flutterby.

PS. I had a posting error before so you will see the beginning of this post first. Sorry about the length. I hope your beverage was good.
_________________
Take care.

[Jennifer]

Hello:
What a story!! I think your goals are right on track and you are never going to feel secure in a relationship if you are not able to be okay with who you are. You need to find peace and be able to come terms with the people that were in your life. There is a reason that you seek out people and you still feel like the victim. You mentioned suicide, if you feel suicidial, you need to call a crisis line, this is for your mental health. What have you tried in the past to make yourself sronger? I think you could do some reading in your spare time on how your past abuse and ocd go together. It is common with abused people to cut themselves and to feel dirty all the time. If you feel like you cannot be alone, how about a support group for you? I am sure there are people out there that you can relate too and yes, some even have worse stories than you.

Thank-you for sharing your story. How did it feel writing it out like that?

[Flutterby]

Wow, thank you for replying so soon. It felt weird writing all that out, in the sense that I prefer not to put things into words because it makes it more concrete. I feel I went WAY too into detail but I felt I had to, because I've never really told anyone the whole truth, my feelings and everything, and writing is a way for me to get all that out. I am no longer suicidal...I decided that time that I had to be here for my little sister, so that is no longer an option. Besides that, my whole family is counting on me to make a living for them.
What is your position on confrontation? I like to avoid such things at all costs, but I remember the psychiatrist telling me that I would have to face all those people one day and confront them. Right now, my first (abusive) ex is trying to contact me via the net, and I have been avoiding any response to him. And my ex-sister comes to visit the family sometimes.... we just ignored each other, because the family knows, and she had spread lies about me also when the family found out what she did. WHen I saw her a year ago I tried to talk to her so we could come to a sort of.. I dont know what the word is... I jus want an apology from her, I want her to admit what she did was wrong, and stop telling me I am to blame. On the other hand, I would like to just pretend nothing happened and just never see or speak to her again. SAme with the guys.
I have been through nursing school and know that you aren't to give concrete advice or anything so, I was just wondering, is it best for me to confront? Would that help bring closure and therefore peace? If I confront this guy, who is telling me not to hate him forever and that I am punishing him, will that help me? He has scarred me to the point where I duck and have fight or flight response whenever I see anyone looking remotely like him- which is ALOT of people. There is so much for me to work through, I just don't know where to begin, and how to seperate rational from irrational thoughts.
Yes that's a great idea, reading up on the connection. I'll do that. It seems that the OCD gets worse and worse with each new challenge I face. My fears get more and more too. I am trying to control them. I actually rode on a public bus to classes last month. BIG achievement (I sound like a spoilt brat, but I was afraid of the people and the germs). I even FELL in the bus and had a horrible day but I survived...lol.
As far as being suicidal...sometimes I feel like I WANT to die, but that is only during my time of the month, and I can usually control it. I just wait for it to go away because on some level I KNOW it is just temporary. I have NO intention of acutally pursuing my thoughts, though. Another goal is to NOT have those feelings at all.
I haven't cut myself since about...I guess since i met J...but I DID attempt to once I think maybe a year ago, I can't remember. And I scratched myself because of something cowrkr/ex said. But I don't do that anymore because I realize it really is just temporary relief, and I want a permanent solution.
Oh yes, I have been hesitating with the email to cowrkr/ex about the rape thing. What's the worst that could happen if I send it? And the best? Like I said, it is hard for me to separate irrational from rational thoughts.

Thank you for your suggestions, I will look into a support group. I have never been to one, and have little faith in them. What are the benefits of that approach?

I just want to move forward and never have to look back again. At least, not feel pain when I look back. I like to look back so I can learn from things, but that's it.

So, I will do some research for now.

Thank you again,
Flutterby.

PS, this all seems strangely surreal. I feel as though I am detached from myself whenevr I discuss these things and that it isn't really ME saying everything. Is that normal?
_________________
Take care.

[Jennifer]

Hey there, I always try to reply as quickly as possible, not always immediately. In your post you brought up a couple of points, not just confrontaton, but they all have a similiar theme to them. You are not going to get what you want from others until you are okay with who you are. No appology in the world will surfice to you and it shouldn't. You are going to have to find a way to find forgiveness in yourself and once you do, you can leave the past behind. Good for you for riding on the bus, and yes they can be very dirty.

It is great that you are always challenging yourself and it sounds like you are getting somewhere in your life. Keep up the good work

You asked if being detached is okay, whatever you are feeling is okay, so just feel it