Lost in Life

GT2009 · Joined: 01 Jul 2009 Posts: 7

HI,
I am 20 years old and I am not exactly sure how to express myself, but I will try my best because I need help. Well I do remember a time when I was happy in my life and that was in elemantry school, I was a very good boy and very smart. Very open minded and was always smiling. Had a heart of gold. All of a sudden when I got to middle school I started getting depressed and at the same time started facing many issues. Including being made fun of for at the time being over weight, confused about sexuality, etc. Throughout the years my depression grew so bad that in the past I attempted suicide and I did receive help from a therapist. In high school things did not get better I was always depressed and had very low self esteem. Nothing ever made me happy and I always felt as if I didnt fit in. Because of being bullied in middle school, I would over react at certain situations when someone disrespected me. My problem now is that I feel lost in life I have no sense of direction. I feel out of energy and down all the time. I am in college and dont even know what Im doing with my life. I seem to never be happy no matter what I do. I cried many nights over and over again. I have no sense of identity who i am who i want to be. I have no social life because Im never in the mood. I have very low self esteem and dont believe in myself. I feel as if throughout the years I lost myself anf I dont know myself anymore. I did things I regret and hung out with the wrong people. I stopped doing all those things and have let those people go because I realized they did not care about me which made me feel even more down. Im just tired of feeling down all the time and feeling like there is no purpose and not knowing who i am or want to be. Please help me some way Im willing to take any advice or approach any method. Please....I want to smile again

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

have you been diagnosed in the past with clinical depression. Based on what you are telling me, sounds as if you fit the bill. Since you are in college have you tried counseling or taking medication for the depression. yes, smiling again would be great and hopefully we can get you there.

GT2009 · Joined: 01 Jul 2009 Posts: 7

No I saw a psychiatrist as well and he said that I did not need medication

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

okay, but you do need something. do you socialize? how is the self imagine now? do you enjoy school? do you live at school or at home and commute? do you work as well? have you declared a major yet? any ideas on what you want to do?

college is a great time to reevaluate and become whomever you want to. it is not so much about course work but about growing up and becoming your own person. you seem to be holding on to the past that has brought you down before. time to let go, i know easier said than done.

GT2009 · Joined: 01 Jul 2009 Posts: 7

Exactly one of my major issues is it is hard for me to let go of the past without understanding it....Honestly, I really dont socialize like I should because I have low self-esteem and I am never in the mood. I enjoy school and I am majoring in Nursing but sometimes I think twice about it. I work only one day because of school, but am looking for something part time. I know I like to help people, travel, and I can not have a steady job I have to go different places I get bored of being in the same place all the time.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

sounds as if nursing would be a good fit for you. there is no magical cure for low self esteem except starting to believe in yourself.

not sure what you mean by you have to understand the past. kids are cruel and middle school/high school are tough to take, once you move past that, it is smooth sailing for the most part. you get to pick and choose who you want to be around and how you want to live your life.

sounds as if you might benefit from being a traveling nurse for awhile, great way to move around and see the country or even the world and still do your job while you are there.

how's the relationship with your family?

GT2009 · Joined: 01 Jul 2009 Posts: 7

With my immediate family its good but with the rest of my family do not really have a relationship with them
Do you have any advice on something that I could start doing to start getting out of this box of loneliness and sadness I want to believe in myself again

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

you need to find a passion/hobby and start interacting with people. you have created the box/wall and need to break it down. you are the main source on how/when that is going to happen.

GT2009 · Joined: 01 Jul 2009 Posts: 7

I will try my best is there anyway I can learn to let go of certain things like when I was made fun of did not stand up for myself I look back and think of myself as being weak at that time and regret it I also regret the way I was acting and treating certain people such as my family who truly cared for me but I was focused in the wrong crowds I feel like I wasted so much time around people who never cared for me and can not seem to understand why throughout high school all I wanted to do was die Im sorry for all these messages Im just trying to get help People look at me and say that I seem so happy and that im such a smart young man and they believe in me only if they knew how I felt inside and that I wish I looked at myself in that way

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

the best way for you to do that in my opinion is to build up your self esteem now and start living in the present. once you do that then the past won't seem so bad to you.

GT2009 · Joined: 01 Jul 2009 Posts: 7

I went out with my friend and I am trying I will consider going back to counseling in person but I can not afford it right now
Any suggestions on opening up a little more
I go back to school in August and the way I was feeling was affecting my grades as well as everything around me I could not seem to focus on anything but my hurt and my pain
It felt as if my mind was killing me

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

you need to find things that you enjoy doing. once you do that it will be easier to open up. you don't have to be a social butterfuly just enjoy yourself enough and enjoy being 20 and being in college. only happens once. you are an adult now and can choose how you live your life. back then you didn't have many choices. things are different now and you need to remember that.

you also have to start thinking for yourself, you tell me some ideas on what you can do to open up??

GT2009 · Joined: 01 Jul 2009 Posts: 7

I been out of it for so long that I don't even know anymore, but my answer to your question is to try new stuff and see what I like

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

that all you can do Very Happy