Lost and overwhelmed

Memsie · Joined: 10 Sep 2009 Posts: 7

Please I hope you can help. I am really losing it right now. I have been dealing with depression for many years. In and out of hospitals, lots of medications and numerous ects. Right now I am on maintenance monthly ect treatments and I see my psychiatrist once a month. I can't talk about anything anymore with my dr. or husband. I know what they will say. "More ects" I just cant do that anymore.

What's going on now...I have lost my energy. I have become a total recluse. My husband does everything. Works 2 jobs, laundry, grocery shopping, cuts grass, etc. I do everything as far as taking care of our son. The only energy I have is in my head. Thoughts, worries, concerns, frustrations.... it won't stop. I don't know what to do. I am so lonely. I have no friends and haven't for a long time. The only time I go out is to get the mail and my monthly appts.

Is there anything else besides hospitals, drugs, and ects??? Where would I start? Are there any other answers? I am so tired. I am ready to fight this and move on but I am not sure I can.

I hope some of this made sense. Thanx for reading.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

hey
medication is only to stablize your mood and if it is working correctly than you shouldn't feel the way that you are so first things first you do need to talk to your doctor to make sure you are on the right meds because if they aren't working then there is no point being on them (I AM NOT TELLING YOU TO GO OFF YOUR MEDS) just saying to talk to your doctor about it.

Sounds as if you and your husband have fallen into a pattern where he does everything and you let him, that is not healthy for either of you, in order for you to get energy you need to create energy be being active. When you are really depressed you need to keep your goals small and i'm sure taking care of your boy takes a lot of energy doesn't it? Not sure how you can say that you are not doing anything if you take care of him full time.

Memsie · Joined: 10 Sep 2009 Posts: 7

I can't talk to the dr. I am too scared. My son is easy to take care of physically. But I have so many concerns for him I don't know what to do. My husband can't help. I am afraid I have done this mom stuff all wrong and wish I could start all over with him. My head won't stop paniking about everything. I don't have the energy to create energy. I just want to curl up in bed and cry. I don't know you and don't know why I turned to you but there must be a reason. Maybe someone else would do better taking care of him. And my husband doesn't seem to mind taking care of everything as long as it doesn't invlove our son and as long as I take care of him everynight. I just can't do it. Please where do I start what do I do can i just quit no i can't do that. wow i jus ttyped avunch of nonsense sorry

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

how old is your son? why can't you talk to your doctor about your meds not working? you are depressed and that can only be fixed with the right treatment. can you find another doctor that you feel more comfortable with?

Why do you feel as if you messed up with your son which I'm sure you didn't. Kids are so resilent that they hardly notice when we make mistakes it is us that feels the guilt, kids don't know that emotion.

Memsie · Joined: 10 Sep 2009 Posts: 7

The reason I can't talk to my dr. about my meds is because I know she will just want me to do ect treatments more often again. Everytime I see her I just tell her that everything is fine and that I am feeling better and better.

My son is 9. He has turned into a recluse just like me. He has no friends and spends all his time on the computer or playing video games. He is very smart but very sensitive emotionally. Scared of anything new. Cries when he thinks he has said or done something wrong. Puts himself down alot and says that he is stupid or unteachable. I am so afraid that he is getting this from me either by heredity or just being around me. That is why I think he would be in better hands with someone other than me. And definitely not with his dad. I don't want him to be going through what I have. I am just hoping that he will just grow out of it with some encouragement.

One question.....Why do I feel a little calmer and a little better just from telling you some of what is going on?

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

It is theraputic to write out what is going on. Have you done etc treatments in the past? Have they helped you?

Do you and your son talk about things? What does his teachers say? Does he has school friends? Whats wrong with his dad?

Memsie · Joined: 10 Sep 2009 Posts: 7

I have done ect treatments for a long time. Started at 3 times a week and I have slowly worked my way down to once a month which is where I am now. No I don't think they work but everyone else seems to think so.

My son and I do some talking about stuff in general. He does not have any school friends and his teachers have never mentioned any problems. But I have not brought up my concerns with them either.

His dad is just not very understanding. Thinks our son should be just like he was when he was a kid. Tough and not afraid of anything. They don't really spend any time together. I feel like my husband is dissapointed in me because our son is not what he wants. I did something wrong somewhere but because I am too afraid to go out or talk to people I don't know how to get help. Like I said I can't talk to my dr. or my husband to get help. I must find another way of doing this on my own. But I have to find a way to put my fears aside and make myself somehow get some energy to do something. The only energy I have right now is to cry.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Sounds as if your whole family can use some therapy Very Happy

Not sure how this cycle formed in your life when you feel as if you cannot trust others. For the life I me, I cannot understand how you can be getting ECT treatments, taking medication, seeing a psychatrist and still feel as if all you want to do is cry. You are very fortunate that you are able to do all of this and you are not taking advantage of your own health and how to improve things for yourself. If you really want to get better than you should be willing and wanting to do anything to help yourself.

Why is it that your son doesn't have any friends. He is interested in anything? Can you enroll him in some after school activities?

Memsie · Joined: 10 Sep 2009 Posts: 7

I do want to do something. I do want to get better. I know I need to start off small but I am so overwhelmed I don't know where to start. That's what led me here.

My son isn't really interested in much besides the computer and video games. He has never liked any sports. And I can't sign him up for any after school activities because we have no transportation and I am too scared to get out with other people.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

I'm going to be a bit tough here, you say that you will do anything and you want to get better but you are not being honest about your treatment. I would have to say that is the place for you to start. To be honest with yourself and realize that you might need more ect treatments or different medications, as you know it is more than just wanting to feel better, you have to balance your chemicals out.

Does your son have online friends? Are there kids in the neighborhood to play with?

Memsie · Joined: 10 Sep 2009 Posts: 7

I am not sure how to respond to this. I was just looking for another way because the treatments just don't seem to be working.

My son does have online friends and friends in the neighborhood when he goes to his granny's house for the weekend.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Do you have a support group that you belong too? I am a big believer in mind over matter and if you believe that you can do something than it can be possible. What do you want to accomplish? Just one thing that you want to accomplish.

Memsie · Joined: 10 Sep 2009 Posts: 7

No...I do not belong to any support group.

One thing I want to accomplish? That's hard to think of for some reason. I guess someday I would like to be able to get out on my own and get my own job doing something I enjoy like being in a greenhouse. But right now it just takes everything I have to take care of my son and just stay out of bed.

Which is where I think I am headed for the rest of the night. My son is at my mom's and my husband is at work so I can do what I want and crawl in bed and cry maybe just sleep.

Thank you for all your help.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

enjoy your sleep and hopefully you will be rested tomm and you can think of a small goal that you can accomplish.