Long term depression

[Nick]

I'm not even sure where to start on this. Im 21. My depression started around 18. As soon as I graduated Highschool my family decided to move from california to alabama (huge life style changes if you're wondering). Against my will, but I had nothing to keep me. Ever since I have developed a bitterness toward them and feel like the transition to my actual life was ripped apart and I had to literally start from scratch, like everything ended at 18 and I restarted from there having to regain everything I once had. I lost all my friends, I didnt accomplish anything the year and a half I was there. We moved back november 06. I was extremeley depressed, I felt like I had nothing...and I really did. The one person I had was a very close friend that kept my spirits up. She was actually my only friend. Before I left she was so reassuring. Giving me options to come back via her help and really seemed she cared about me. I even asked if she meant it and she gave me every swear on everything there is to get me to believer her. It felt real.

However I often would lose contact with her. I called quite often (3 hour difference) and often couldn't reach her and I was so depressed I just needed someone to talk to. But even after not hearing from her in a few weeks or even months I would usually get back into contact with her. I ended up moving back because of her. I felt like she would be my help to getting my life back on track after all I did move back there to be around her. But after saying all of these positive things to me she basically pushed me aside like an annoyance. Before I moved I couldnt get ahold of her for awhile and when I did move back home I easily reached her. I figured out it was my caller ID. She actually had someone else answer to phone and tell me she was tired of this loser calling her once. I did eventually get ahold of her and talk to her but it was like her sympothy was force. I told her how I felt and that she was the reason I moved back. And was greeted by laughter and told I wasn't thinking straight. She said she was still my friend and would help me. After that she stopped taking my calls. Ever since I have had this unbeliavable bitterness toward the very thought of her, constantly thinking of her and what she did to me all the time has eaten away at my very being. I thought about even trying to get in touch with her just to tell her how hurt I am. But I did tell her before I was hurt and again it felt like she didn't care. If i did it now it feels like one of those, "here we go again, this loser is complaining about me but I don't care"

But I don't want this to feel like it was all women troubles because its not. She might of been the biggest part of my misery. Ever since then I can't interact with anyone. I've gone entire years without talking to people. I don't share any bonds with my family and could never talk to them about my problems. Not only that but I don't really care to reconnect with them. They will always be there. Friends are different

I don't drink so I wouldnt fit in at clubs or parties, I have social anxiety and can't act well around others, constantly feeling like I don't belong anywhere, and getting the same impression from others. I feel helpless and have trouble accomplishing anything. Constantly feeling fear and paranoia as if any and everything bad can and will happen. Unfortunately it actually does. Sometimes I feel like trying but im so shy and quiet just initiating communication with someone feels like the complete opposite of who I am and that im forcing myself to be this person. Or even seeing myself being friends with someone feels awkward because they have friends and a life and I would just be a burden...which ive been labled as in the past. I often regret every decision I make. Simple ones that no one would even think twice about. Like going out to lunch at work (Fast food) im not overweight or anything (5'11 170) but yet feel as if it was a waste of time and meaningless (loss of apetite, even though I eat regularly). Such small and simple things like that are having such a huge burdon on my life its becoming tiresome especially with no answers.

I thought when I got my job I would be able to connect with people. I go entire days without even saying a word at my job. I just don't know where to start, I try to be social but often I feel bitter and see these people who are happy and it makes me so angry. Constantly feeling regret on missing out on everything. I feel lost and with the constant hatred building in me and questioning of; if everyone is like my old friend...the answer by most would probably be no and something reassuring..but she was the only person I have ever cared about. I really think im broke and nothing I can think of has been a plausible action to fixing it. I have read countless articles and studies on how to solve my problems....but I don't want to be alone yet it feels like I need someone in order to solve my problem and my problem is being alone...and im in a endless cycle with no end or beginning.

I know this post may seem long and even a little confusing but thats how I feel. If theres anything I could be more specific on please let me know.

[Jennifer]

Hey
I am going to be blunt with you and hope that you can handle it. You are blaming others for your mood and that is just not fair. First, you blamed your parents and then this girl. In both cases, they were just doing what they needed to do in order to get through the day. Your parents did not move to spite you or make you depressed, you did that to yourself and now you are in a rut. You do not find happeniness in other people, you find it in yourself and it seems like you are using these examples as excuses to not live your life.

You do not have to be one certain way, like a club hopper or a fast food person in order to be happy. There is no norm for happiness, it just happens to be what each person can get up in the morning for. What makes you get up in the morning? If you are going to move forward in your life, you have got to stop blaming others for your unhappiness and find it yourself.

Jennifer

[Nick]

I have nothing that gets me up in the morning! The only reason I have is to go through the daily pains of life. Wake up, eat, go to work, come home eat dinner and basically 4 hours before I have to go back to sleep and do it all over again. I have nothing that makes me happy. Before everything fell apart I had my friend and was the only time I was happy...now I have no one. I've been abandoned and I DO TRY! I try so hard. The entire reason I moved back home was because I was trying to find what makes me happy and there was nothing there anymore. Everyday I wake up I regret everything in my life. Always questioned by what ifs? Every oppurtunity missed. I DO try...I just am running out of things to try.

I want nothing more then to be like everyone else. Just a normal person who can interact with everyone else. I want friends again, I don't want to be alone. 3+ years, no friends, no acquantises, absolutely nothing. Its not like I go around saying, wooo is me. I have tried to connect to people but I just can't. I don't know how. I feel out of place just being around people whether its from being so bitter towards everyone or something else. Whats stopping what happen to me before. I tried my hardest, moved back 3000 miles just because I cared about someone and they didn't bother telling me that they hated me until I had made the decision. Having me believe that I actually had someone that cared about me. Do I blame her, yes. How can I not be angry about something so uncessarily horrible.

You said I find happiness in myself, but for the past 3+ years all I have had is myself and its just been getting worse. I feel like I have just quit, I tried and after all the stuff ive been through I don't know what to do anymore. Being alone I cant be happy like I once was. And yet even if I tried I can't seem to make the friends I want, so I CAN be happy. I know thats the only thing that gets me up but I can no longer grasp it. I know no ones gona make the initiative to be around me but I've seen the result of when I do. How am I suppose to find that happiness now?

[Jennifer]

You said that you have been alone but you moved to be near a girl. You need to find a reason to get out of bed each day. If you want to make it work for yourself. This is not going to be an easy thing for you. Pick one positive thing each day and just focus on that. If you drift to negative thoughts, refocus on the positive. try that for me.

[Nick]

I've tried that. I try looking forward to something but it always ends the same. Theres just not enough to hold onto. At the end of the day im still alone and feel like what if anything I've accomplished wasn't that meaningful. Even with people, often I'll try talking to someone and if I feel no connection I simply give up. In the past I've tried pushing by keep trying. I either feel like I end up annoying them or worst I get treated like I did before. I dont want that to happen again, especially when I am trying so hard to do everything right. I know im gona hear, not everyones gona connect with you or be your friend or someone close to you but when it starts to feel like its everyone then how am I suppose to take the positive out of something?

[Jennifer]

What are you trying to acheive? Normalacy? Doesn't exist. We make the best out of our days. We choose to either be happy or sad unless their is a chemical imbalance that makes it hard to increase or decrease your mood. have you ever been diagnosed with anything? Do you have any goals that you would like to accomplish? What are some of the things that you try to tell yourself when you get out of bed. One rule of thumb that I always say is "If you wake up happy and go to sleep happy then you are doing okay that day" The rest inbetween is just stuff that fills up the day. The only way to find meaning is to search within yourself and if you do not like yourself then it is hard to find any meaning (sorry if that sounds like a broken record) but it is true.

[Nick]

Friends. It feels that all my misery spawns from not being able to interact with people like I once use to (if I ever really did). As horrible as I've felt its been worst because I have had no one. And the people I have had only made things worst. I can't talk to anyone, can't interact with people. I suffer from social anxiety and feel helpless when im around people. I have a hard time because of how horrible I feel all the time from all of my experiences and I never go anywhere so that makes it even harder. Plus because im so horrible in public places its hard to enjoy myself and interact with others. And I don't like myself, but when ever I was around people I forget all about my problems. Being sad, depressed, anxious, lonely. Every thing I feel now I never did when I had friends. And after I moved I lost that, I tried coming back and the only thing I found was someone who thought I was sad and pathetic. I don't want to go around and meet someone and have them think that of me. And the way I am I feel like thats inevitable. What she did to me still hurts and the one thing I wanted was not to be alone. I do believe what I wake up in the morning for is the hope that I can have that feeling not being alone again...but I have no answers to how to accomplish that.

[Jennifer]

No matter how smart we are about our lives, we are dumb when it comes to relatonships. We all say, Oh, I am not going to put myself out there again, but we all do it over and over again. There is no hurt like love's hurt. You need to stop with the feeling sorry for yourself because it is not going to make you any better. You need to forget the past and move forward from the mistakes you made. Okay, you moved for her and it did not work out, there is something else waiting for you and the longer you dwell on what you do not have, the longer it will take you to get what you do want.

Have you ever had professional counseling before? Might be something you want to consider to help you get on the right track and help you understand what you are dealing with.

[Nick]

No I've never had professional counseling, I've thought about it thats how I found this site. But I can't afford it plus the feeling of getting counseling and the feeling of what people would see me as horrifies me. Even if it is annyomous like this site I would still feel that way.

Plus I don't know where to start. I thought I was moving forward. I was so depressed when I moved, I moved back and thought I was getting back on track but that turned out horrible and I just can't reconnect anymore. Because I just don't know how. I feel when im by myself I can't operate properly and only feel out of place so I don't how to move forward. Sitting around isn't gona help but when you have no experience or know what to do or go to reconnect with people I just feel lost.

[Jennifer]

What made you think that you were evenutally moving forward? Are you thinking of staying where you are? Or moving?

[Nick]

Before I moved I felt like I had a life, that I enjoyed it. Had friends and was looking forward to everything. When I moved I lost all of that, so I tried moving back but it was like everything had changed, everything I missed. I don't plan on moving...I've actually developed a fear of moving any where to the point where the smallest things scare me. Everytime I move it feels like I hit the reset button on my life and have to start anew.
It seemed as if time stopped for me and everything continued to move ahead without me. And even though I was back where I was once comfortable it was no different then when I moved...maybe even worst. Then getting laughed at and embarassed by my friend was basically the straw the broke the camels back.

That was such a huge choice to move back and the result was so bad that since that day I havn't been able to look forward to anything, and have trouble hanging onto anything that has kept me happy. Even things I use to enjoy so much I have lost interest in or don't seem as special. And each time that happens it feels like I lose something else.

I got my car, job and education when I moved back...but it didn't feel like I accomplished anything because there was no one there in my life. I always see everyone with someone else there being happy. Which upsets me because I dont have that anymore, which contributed towards my bitterness. But ever since my experiences after moving back everything seems to have stopped and I can't get back to the way before and still am constantly haunted by what happened. I know I need to forget about the past and move on but it really was that horrible that I look at the entire world differently now.

[Jennifer]

You used the word bitterness and it is sad to think that at the ripe age of 21, you are bitter. The world is a great place to be and you have to find peace within yourself with what happened. Did you make peace with your parenets? Sometimes in relationships, we want to believe in what we believe in and it sounds like you wanted to believe that this girl was what was going to make you happy. Doesn't work that way. Happeniness comes from yourself and then you find someone to be with that completes you. You will not find anyone until you work on chipping away at this bitterness.

[Nick]

I don't know how to "chip away" at my bitterness. It seems like everything I have to accomplish to be happy is in a cycle that I can't break into. Im bitter because im alone and have been treated so bad, im alone because im bitter, I can't interact with anyone and when I try I feel out of place and the cycle only gets thicker. I can't fix anything if theres no place to start. And for the past 2 years I've been trying to make peace with what my friend did to me. I went a few months before I finally talked to her about what she did but the way she acted and treated me, it was more then a "life goes on" thing. Everything there is in my life that I feel can make things better requires something else to be done first, and to do that I need to do something before that. Its a horrible feeling.

[Jennifer]

You are making this into a more than life goes on issue and you are also the only one that can make this better for yourself. Anytime I am positive, you are negative. What was the last positive thought you had? I want you to try to write down or remember how many positive thoughts you have each day (that is a place to start).

[Nick]

I honestly don't have many or any positive thoughts. I thought about making a journal not to long ago. But when I got home to start it everything I had to write was all bad. Anytime theres something positive I try, there feels like theres something negative to shoot it down. I try to reassure myself about the positive but there just doesn't seem to be enough to hold onto to keep my morale up. I've always had a hard time holding onto things like that. Some days I feel great, then either the smallest things discourages me or im reminded of the past and immidiately feel down, and its alot harder to get back that positive feeling then it is losing it.