Life long chronic depression

[updoc101]

I am 56 years old. I have suffered from depression, well, for as long as I can remember. I have tried different therapies and medications but nothing has offered any long term solutions. I can remember my first suicide attempt at the age of 6. There have been many half assed attempts over the years. The depression does not come and go. It’s like a suit of clothes that I put on every time that I wake. It ha affected everything in my life, every relationship, every job, every friendship, everything. Because of this illness I spent 30 years addicted to meth and cocaine, I have been homeless three times (currently employed) and developed osteomyelitis twice about ten years ago due to malnutrition and my own lack of caring about my own health. I spent years trying to drink myself to death. I have overcome my drug addiction but it seems that lately the depression is getting worse, if that is even possible. And the sad thing is that it seems impossible to break inertia and do anything about it. Nothing has ever worked before. I just don’t know what to do any more. Help.

[Jennifer]

You start talking about when the depression started, what happened before the depression? Have you had it your whole life or did it start at a certain age?

[updoc101]

I cannot remember a time in my life when I was not depressed. 8 years ago I had to undergo 12 months of chemotherapy three times a week for Hepatitis C. Oddly enough, that did seem to help, or perhaps I was just too sick to notice. But essentially it has always been there, like a shadow. This week seems worse than in a long time. I feel isolated and alone.

[Jennifer]

Have you ever tried shock therapy, ECT treatments? Is there anything in your childhood that you remember that was a happy time?

[updoc101]

I have no desire to try shock therapy. I’ve seen One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest once too often. I can’t say that there were no happy times in my childhood, primarily when I was living with an Aunt and Uncle on a farm outside of Atlanta when I was ten or so. But other than that, no. My mother was an alcoholic; my father was abusive to all four of us, and a nationally known fundamentalist Baptist preacher as well. I began failing in school in the third grade and continued that pattern until I dropped out of school at 17. My sister and both of my brothers have had serious episodes as well.

[Jennifer]

Okay, ECT treatments are nothing like the movie, yes I have seen the movie as well. It sounds like you have had plenty of reasons to be upset in the past, do you know? I mean have any reasons to be depressed or is it just your past that is still causing you pain? Sounds like you are a fighter, beating cancer, becoming sober, learning how to fight for yourself. Sounds like you have some power in there, tell me about the powerful person that has overcome so much.

[updoc101]

Funny that you mention being a fighter. I was actually a professional fighter in my young adulthood. Actually ranked in this state at one point. I spent some twenty five years in and out of the ring, both as a fighter and trainer. My sons both have told me that one of the qualities that they have always admired about me most was my tenaciousness. Well, the fact of the matter is that when you carry this silent burden you only have two choices, give up, or keep fighting. My sons are the reason that I have kept fighting this thing. I know how devastating suicide can be to a family and I know how much I have hurt them over the years and I have no wish to ever hurt them like that. But I’m tired. I’m tired of living like this, tired of the loneliness, the isolation, the emptiness, the lack of anyone to try and communicate all these feelings to. I’ve tried therapy and medications to no avail. I know that there is an answer somewhere for people like me. But I have no passion for anything in life. I feel so empty, and angry. My parents are both gone now and I have reconciled myself to their behavior because I know that they were probably both suffering from this as well. This isn’t something that I can place blame on, this is an illness, and I am desperately seeking help or information on how to conquer this. I would rather have cancer than depression any day. I don’t know what I means to feel “normal”. But that’s all I want, just one normal day, just one.

[Jennifer]

That is great that you have a wonderful relationship with your sons and that you have forgiven your parents. Not sure what a normal day is, what would that be for you. I know that you said that you have tried everything, therapy, medication but you are stil trying and that is great!!! I do not no what normal is so you woud have to explain that to me. You said that you are working now, does that give you any pleasure? Does anything give you pleasure?

[updoc101]

What would a normal day be? 24 hours without feeling depressed. It’s that simple. There are days when it isn’t as bad, but every day there is that lingering nagging feeling, like the discomfort of a mild headache, other days though, it’s comparable to a bad migraine. And I can tell you this that trying to explain what it is like to be depressed to someone who has never experienced long term depression is impossible. As far as my work goes, that is a long story. The condensed version is this. About eleven years ago I began a long and devastating crash. I hit a financial, emotional, physical and legal bottom at the same time. I was unemployed, drugged out, and was eventually evicted from my apartment. I developed osteomyelitis in my right hand. Osteomyelitis is a bacterial infection of the bone marrow, usually seen in drug addicts and alcoholics, often fatal. I survived after two surgeries, nearly two months in the ICU and 7 months of infusion therapy which means infusing 1 liter of antibiotics every 6 hours into a catheter that was inserted just above the main artery into the heart. Right after that I became homeless and was then arrested on a non-violent felony charge. Then about six months later I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C and began the chemotherapy. I reached a point in my life where I didn’t know how to live, didn’t know how to die, and couldn’t do either one. I actually began going to an AA group and did well in there for several years. In the mean time the state sent me back to college and I received a degree in computer science and then got hired by the school as a web designer. That was one of the best things to ever happen to me and I do enjoy my work but my productivity suffers though my supervisor knows my history and they have been very supportive. That as I said is the short version. The whole story takes me an hour to tell. My greatest pleasure? In a word, camping. I love nothing more than to go to Big Bend in south west Texas to the most remote place in the US (outside of Alaska) and spend a few days there in the wild. That is my greatest pleasure.

[Jennifer]

Sounds great and once again kudos for you for getting to the place that you are at right now. Yes, I agree that it is hard for someone that has not experienced chronic depression to understand how it feels. Your depression might even be wose than clinical depression because that can be fixed by talk/medication. It seems like you have labeled yourself and cannot get out of that label. Can you think of another label for yourself?

[updoc101]

Labeled myself? I don't understand.

[Jennifer]

I mean something you would like to be besides depressed?