Is what I'm going through considered depression?

[anonymousmoon]

I'm sixteen years old and a junior in high school right now.
I should be buried inside my books right now instead of crying because i hate my life.

Well, last year, for a few months, i actually thought i was depressed:
-I would cry myself to sleep everynight,
-I would think about suicide everyday
-I started smoking and drinking to relieve all this stress that i was building up inside of me.
I lived everyday with a smile on my face in school but came home and broke down because i just hated my life. So no one had the slightest clue about what i was going through. School would just add upon the stress. I know i'm stupid, no matter how hard i try. And my appearance just lowers my self-esteem even further. I look in the mirror, and all i see is this ugly fat blob of nothing.

but months later, i felt so much better and realized that maybe it was only a phase.

but today, i feel like dying again.
it's all because of my mother.
many of you are going to say "she's you're mother and only wants the best for you." but NO, you're just going to be another person who won't understand.
I feel like, she purposely stresses me out, to the point where i'm screaming inside my head and i end up having a huge fever.
I hate riding in the same car with her because i know she's always going to end up lecturing me about how i waste my time and all that college shit.
I don't even remember the last time we've been in the same car.

Anyway, today, she thought i cursed at her when i know i didn't.
and sooner or later, she screams,curses, and swears at me. Then she throughs whatever she sees and just throws it in my face. You don't know what kind of abuse i've been through. In the past, she threw books,mirrors,keys,bags,phones,sticks at me. But that pain can't compare to the pain i'm feeling emotionally. And she'll tell my dad a bunch of bullshit that he's going to end up believing and just punish me even further. This sounds like a bunch of baby stuff but truthfully, it's not. I've been going through all this for the last three years.
three years i've been going through hell.

so today i went crazy. Went to the medicine cabinet and took out all the pills that there were.
but unfortunately, i could never swallow pills so i just threw all them out wastefully. I looked at all the kitchen knives and pointed one right at my wrist. But i'm just too afraid. I want to die, but i'm afraid to kill myself.
I've written many suicidal notes in the past but ended up crying and throwing them all out.
I'm also Catholic and i just feel like prayers cannot help me and i've been dragging myself to church without having the intention to really pray.

I wish i could have therapy or counseling.
but my family doesn't know what i'm going through nor will they have the money to pay for sessions.
and my school counselors are just jokes.

[Jennifer]

Hey
Glad that you joined the forum instead of the pills or knives. Sounds like you and your mom are either complete opposites or too similiar and she sees herself in you and it upsets her. Do you have any siblings? How does your dad fair in all of this? Is there anyone outside of your family that you can talk too besides a therapist or a school counselor that can help you get through this.

[anonymousmoon]

hello, it's been three months.
sorry for this late reply.

looking back now, i guess it was just a phase.
although studying for SATs are stressful,
that is pretty much it.

unfortunately, in January, to start off the year,my grandfather had passed away.
although my heart had been ripped into a million pieces,
i do believe that it had made me become a better person.
i had thought less about me and my selfishness, and got rid of all the hate i had inside of myself and my parents.
i had also stopped drinking, smoking, and cursing.
nor do i have any thought of suicide. my grandfather's passing away made me truly realize how scary death really is.
but i'm sure my grandfather would've been proud of me. he had made me become a better person.

[Jennifer]

thxs for the follow-up, glad that you are being reflective and learning from your life experiences