Is this normal?? Please help.

Bottled Fame · Joined: 09 Jul 2010 Posts: 8 Location: United States

For months now, I've been battling some form of depression/insanity. You see, I told some huge mass of lies and stuff that really messed things up for me. My religious beliefs led me to confess this and my friendships fell apart. Since then, my life has sort of been a living H***. Since the age of fifteen I've been trying to be someone I'm not and now I'm at the point where I have absolutely NO idea who I actually am. Everyday I wake up and ask God to help me figure out who I actually am and help me to be that person. However, I naturally act like the rolemodels of my years and I don't know how to be anyone else. I often find myself going from perfectly fine to really depressed and all this chaos and disastrous drama is happening in my life. Today I told someone who was previously my best friend, "You suck! You suck! You SUCK!" more times than I can count. I don't know what's happening to me. I used to be so full of life and outgoing and optimistic and happy! Now i feel so betrayed all the time and I've been through alot. I cant take it anymore and I need someone to just talk to me about it
Help.
~ Ally
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"No matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine"

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

to early for me to tell if you are depressed but as i always like to say there are just different levels of sanity not so much insanity so you don't have to worry about that. some days are more sane than others. not sure what you mean about being someone else? Can you explain that one better? If you want to be a better person why don't you list the traits you admire in someone and see if those traits work for you to work towards

Bottled Fame · Joined: 09 Jul 2010 Posts: 8 Location: United States

Okay. So a couple years ago, I decided that I really wanted to be like a certain rolemodel. I worked very hard to google around about her until I could model her personality perfectly. Later on, I developed a bunch of other rolemodels and did the same thing with them. Now I'm at point where I'm so good at acting like them all the time, that I no longer know how to be me or know who me is to be quite honest. I know that must sound like the most unheard of problem ever, but that's just how it is.
_________________
"No matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine"

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

so what makes these people different from you and your personality? what kind of personality would you like to have?

Bottled Fame · Joined: 09 Jul 2010 Posts: 8 Location: United States

But see that's just it. There are multiple personalities I'd like to have, but I need to be myself. And by trying to be those other personalities, I've forgotten who myself is. I was raised to believe you don't have to be like someone else, but on that, I'm failing.
_________________
"No matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine"

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

i'm trying to get you to talk about the things you like about these other people, what traits of there's made you want to be like them?

Bottled Fame · Joined: 09 Jul 2010 Posts: 8 Location: United States

Those people are full of life, energetic, happy. They're talented and everyone either wants to be like them or be around them. But they all have their own unique twists that make each of them different.
_________________
"No matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine"

Bottled Fame · Joined: 09 Jul 2010 Posts: 8 Location: United States

I'm pretty sure things are getting worse. School starts back in four weeks and I'm actually worried. I hoped that things would be normal again by then, that I wouldn't be depressed, that I'd be happy when that time came. But now I'm worried because I'm not ready to go back, things aren't good yet, so I feel like I'm being pushed into something that's a recipe for disaster. Also, today I feel like I ruin everything I possibly can and like I'm a mistake to this world. I actually went to the pool for hours and hours just so I could get away from reality. I am so sick of this. I don't want to be depressed anymore and I need some sort of happiness or someone to tell me it's gonna be okay.
Please help me Jennifer Sad

_________________
"No matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine"

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

how can you use what you have learned from these people to form your own personality

Bottled Fame · Joined: 09 Jul 2010 Posts: 8 Location: United States

I'm not entirely sure. All I've learned from trying to be like them in general is to not try to be like someone you're not, and well, im not them... if that's what you're asking?
~ Ally
_________________
"No matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine"

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

so, who are you?

Bottled Fame · Joined: 09 Jul 2010 Posts: 8 Location: United States

I have nooo idea..
_________________
"No matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine"

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

that is why i asked you to list traits in the people that you admire so you can come up with a list that will work for you to strive for.

Bottled Fame · Joined: 09 Jul 2010 Posts: 8 Location: United States

I want to be the kind of person who can help people out, who understands other people's situations, who is nice and follows her morals and religious values. At least those are some of the things I want to be
_________________
"No matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine"

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

so what is stopping you? i have a theory that i live by that you get to choose how you want to be each and every day and as long as your are happy when you wake up and happy when you go to bed then all the rest in the middle doesn't really matter because you can wake up the next day and try again until you get the results that you want.