Im doubting my sanity

Louiseee · Joined: 20 Feb 2011 Posts: 10

Loneliness the clearest of crystal insight into your own soul, it's the fear of one's own self that haunts the lonely." - Keith Haynie

I love quotes, most of the time people who died decades before i was born can say exactly what I feel in a beautifully worded sentence or two.

The reason I am seeking help is because I was finally confronted with the consequences of my sometimes loco antics. I'm recently 18 and last night a guy I really liked told me I was 'too complicated' and 'too much hards work'. I live in England and for the past year+ I've been constsntly very low. I also get violent or SEVERLY depressive moodswings which take me from feeling high on drugs to crying for hours with a few I'll thought out but well hidden crazy suicide attempts. When I'm very low I always try and isolate friends by making abusive calls or sending nasty texts to my closest friends. Thankfully they are used to it and just ignore it and wait a few hours. On one occasion, for reasons I am totally unaware I started a fire in my bathroom by burning paper and books on a baking tray in the bathtub before taking a shower fully clothed. I was truely happy during that little... Drama.

Now that I'm in college with new friends, they aren't prepared and don't understand why I go crazy or wong leave the house for days on end and I want it to stop before I'm totally isolated more than I am now.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

craziness is not a diagnosis, sounds as if you are bipolor which you can get help for. you need to stablize your mood and medication is the best way to do that.

Louiseee · Joined: 20 Feb 2011 Posts: 10

Meds are a no-go.
I want to be a clinical psychologist and I feel going on medication will have disastrous effects. Plus I've seen documentaries on people with bi-polar and they often couldn't remember a lot of what they had done and their moodswings happened more than mine so I do not beleive your suggestion is correct.
This behavior started around the time I was starving myself, I stopped within a month of the moodswings starting but they never went away again.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

It would be good for you to get a foral diagnosis so you do know how to proceed. If you want to be a clinical pychologist then you should kno that getting the proper diagnosis is the first step for treatment. What happened when you are starving yourself? Just so you know a lot of counseling programs make it mandatory that you get your own counseling to address your own issues before you address other peoples issues.

Louiseee · Joined: 20 Feb 2011 Posts: 10

Well I lost a lot of weight (obviously), but it mad me feel good if I was hungry, but then I would get 'high' then crash. When i was 'high' I would just listen to music so loud it hurt my ears and just felt like I was on another planet. That still happens but not as often as when I was starving

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Glad to hear your not starving yourself anymore and the mood swings are reduced. Why do you think your boyfriend said you were to much to handle?

Louiseee · Joined: 20 Feb 2011 Posts: 10

He said he wanted someone 'normal' and I wasnt normal and stable enough. The other night I was really depressed and called him up crying and screaming calling him a coward amongst other things. It was the first time I'd taken it out on him and after trying to explain he told me to talk to Jim when I'd got my head sorted out.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Has it always been this way with you or has it gotten worse as you have gotten older? Not sure what he means about normal. Who wants to be normal anyways Smile

Louiseee · Joined: 20 Feb 2011 Posts: 10

Definitely got worst as ive gotten older and now I cannot see myself in the future :/ I have my plans for the future but I can't actually see myself doing anything with my life anymore

Not wanting to be normal is how Ive lived my life but I'm starting to think maybe ive taken it a little too far?

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

is there a way for you to pull back and go for the normal you. what would normal be for you?

Louiseee · Joined: 20 Feb 2011 Posts: 10

I want to be happy with my body.
I want to actually have a libido
I want to be happy for a whole uninterupted hour
I want to be able to look at an object without thinkinghow I can hurt myself with it
I want to stop freaking out and attacking my friends
I want to stop feeling like I'm on another planet when I'm briefly on a high
I want my emotions to stop peaking and then crashing

When all of this happens I'll be normal again

Louiseee · Joined: 20 Feb 2011 Posts: 10

Oh and I did some research, Bi-polar II does seem to sound a bit like me

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

so do you think you can get some assistance with finding out if you are actually bipolor II and get the help you need.

Louiseee · Joined: 20 Feb 2011 Posts: 10

i could, but i don't want anything that will go down on my medical record. The problem is in my head, so my head can solve the problem. It just needs to know how.

Louiseee · Joined: 20 Feb 2011 Posts: 10

i could, but i don't want anything that will go down on my medical record. The problem is in my head, so my head can solve the problem. It just needs to know how.