I feel so lost

[Liebenocht]

I still can't believe its come down to this, trying to get advice from an online forum....
I really don't know where to start. I'm 30 years old, i still live at home with my parents (and not even the basement, but my bedroom), I can't find a job, I lost all my friends a few years back, including a person i thought of as my sister (she was the one who stabbed me in the back), no girlfriend, no social life at all. I spend all day long on the computer playing games and looking for a scam-free way to make money from home (haven't found jack yet). I have no motivation to do anything. I'm 95% sure i'm manic/depressive, and boy, right now i sure do miss those manic moments. I've always believed that through sheer strength of will you can overcome anything, but ... i've lost my will. All i want to do is go to sleep all day long (thankful I still have the will to NOT do that), but whenever i do goto sleep, i hope i never wake up the next morning. I have nothing to live for basically.

I'm deeply religious (Asatruar, Norse Heathen), but there aren't anyone like me around here i can hang out with. My past is, IMO, an interesting read, my childhood and whatnot, although that doesn't affect the here and now. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't even think i really WANT to work, i don't want to interact with other people because they all suck. Everyone is a dishonorable, untrustworthy POS that'll stab you in the back first chance they get if it means they move up an inch on the social scale. This society has turned to a point where the dishonorable are rewarded, and people who keep their word and merely stepping stones.

I am a creative person, and i can write very well, i would love to become an author or persue some other creative venue, but ... its getting your foot in the door that's the problem and my bills are piling up now. I find magazines that'll buy stories off of you, but at 5 dollars? C'mon, what the heck are you going to do with that. I can't even buy a pack of smokes.

My mom did offer to pay for college (my 3rd attempt), and i found an online one, Gaming Art and Design. I'm a good artist, and work well with CADS, so i'm sure i can do it. That's not the problem. The problem is, i'd STILL need a job in the meantime. I went for school for bartending, and did have a bartending job, so i do have some experience, but every place i went to wasn't hiring. There's this one spot near by that said in the fall. Maybe in a couple weeks i'll go down there and just remind him i'm still very available.

I guess the best way to describe my life right now would be one big "SIGH."

[Jennifer]

hey
do you believe that you are clinically depressed that you have a chemical imbalance in you or that you are just down. If you are clinically depressed it can be the reason that you have no motivation to get going and no amount of shear will is going to get you up and about. If you are just "blue" then yes you can snap yourself out of it but from what I'm hearing you are down on life.

School sounds great! and writing even only for $5 would be great as well because it will give you something to do/some motivation to help you get out of this rut that you are in. Bartending would be a very social thing for you to do as well and yes reminding them that you are still around is a great thing.

Glad to hear that you are not buying into the work at home scams guess its easy to do that when you have no money. Do you have a history of bipolar in your family? Or depression?

[Liebenocht]

My family is all kinds of messed up. From what i've been able to garner, my mom is the love child of my grandma and someone else while my grandfather was either away or already dead. My father is in love with his sister, what kind of love, i do *not* want to know. If there's a history of bipolar in there, its the least of the problems

Clinically depressed? I dont know. I used to ENJOY being alive, i know that. Party on the weekends, always quick with a joke, me and my now ex-gf would hopping around like rabbits, the whole nine yards. I know the last time i was unemployed i drank a lot, and now, i don't even have the will to do that. And its not that i can't afford it, I used to make my own Liqueurs. I still have almost all of them, well aged, and VERY tasty. But .... i just don't feel like drinking alone

As a teen i went to therapy because i was suicidal. I decided to come out of the closet, and man, the way my family acted, and then my "friends" told the whole damn school, i quickly ran in again (I'm bisexual). My family has never really been there for me. But the therapist was more interested in making me straight then having me overcome my depression. I don't ascribe to brainwashing very well, so after a year of that BS i just told him yeah i was fine, it was just a phase. Ha Ha, Silly me.

So your saying that writing short stories and seeing them published would help? The act of writing is more important than the 5 bucks.....

As for those online work at home deals, I found one that was amazing, i just gotta send them my credit card info for a background check, but its all free!!!! (Perhaps i can still joke around

[Jennifer]

yes you can joke around so all is not over just yet Yes, the act of writing is more important than the $5 that you would get and it might lead to other things you never know. Networking is the key to this world and you have to start somewhere.

You can take our assessment if you want on depression/bipolor or both but it sounds as if you can knock yourself down or pick yourself up when your ready, as far as your family goes, sounds as if you stay out of that which is a good thing and sorry to hear about the therapy, hate to hear that people have bad therapy experiences, i hear it way too much.

I think that writing is a great creative outlet and it helps to put things down on paper to get clarity on them, if you are a writer.

[Liebenocht]

Well, i contacted the school. And after the recruiter gave me a grand tour of the online program and BS'ed with me for a good hour, he started to get really pushy about finishing the form right there right NOW. I mean VERY pushy. So, after doing a quick websearch, found that this school's online program is set up like crap, people not being able to login, failing classes, unable to drop them, owing money, getting refunds out of no where, then owing money again. So.... needless to say, i didn't sign up. *sigh*

On another note, I DID find a website that will buy and sell tattoo art and give the artist a cut. After looking to see if THAT was a scam, i came up with NOTHING. First time ever, no complains, absolutely nothing. So i'm going to try for that. At least its something for me to do.

[Jennifer]

Good for you for not being pressured into signing up and doing your research. Tattoo art, sounds interesting, yeah if you can get some small projects to get you going then you will be on your way, glad to see the effort that you are putting in is paying off

[Liebenocht]

I .... have a question. Something i've ... wondered about.

What does it mean when you hear voices that are not your own in your head? Or music that you have never, EVER heard before, in your head?

Not that i'm saying it happens to me *cough*BS*cough* .... but perhaps around the time that your not sleeping, but relaxed laying in bed. Definitely NOT dreaming because I'm fully conscious of it.

Theoretically speaking of course *cough*yeah right*cough* ....

[Jennifer]

well, if you or someone that you know is hearing things inside of their head that is called schizophrenia. How old are you? Schizophrenia is usually diagnosed around 18-22 and can easily be managed by medication if you take care of yourself. Glad to hear its just music but i would take it seriously until you know otherwise, theortical speaking of course

[Liebenocht]

Did some research, on it, and only 1 in 3 voice-hearers have problems with it to the point that they need help. Some people actually use it to their advantage. I don't hear it while waking, going about my business during the day, only sometimes while relaxed and in bed. And its not like its telling me to go kill someone or masturbate on a church tower before throwing myself off, just random conversation or really weird music (that is NOT my preferred style). Sometimes it'll just be a loud pop (but not like your ears are popping, its different. More like a balloon style pop) or a bang, as if two metal pots but higher in pitch.

Meh. Anywho, i'm gonna go start those drawings for that tattoo thing.

Jennifer... thank you for listening to my mindless ramblings
___
Michael

[Jennifer]

np, please don't rely on dr. google for your advise. if you are hearing voices that is something to take seriously, just remember that there help if you need it and yes they can be controlled but not sure where you heard this 1 out of 3 thing. My theory is always be cautious about things and this is something you should be cautious about.

Good luck with the drawings, hope it goes well.

[Ouroboros]

I don't know if you're still revisiting this thread, but I have a possible explanation for those voices/noises you're hearing.

You say they occur not while you're asleep, but while you're laying down and relaxed. There's a state between waking consciousness and sleep called the hypnagogic state. Some people experience auditory hallucinations in this state, including things like popping sounds, sudden loud noises, snatches of conversation, and strange music. I'm not saying you shouldn't get it checked out, but your description sounds like an almost exact match for hypnagogic aural hallucinations and may be something to keep in mind.

[Liebenocht]

o_O

Well, until the voices start telling me to do weird things, I think i'm okay. But thanks for letting me know about that. I know I used to suffer from that sleep paralysis a bit... when you MIND is awake, but your brain hasn't sent the chemical to wake the BODY up yet, and so, your just laying there, aware and fully conscious, but unable to move, speak or do anything. That was scary >_>

[Ouroboros]