I don't know what to do anymore

[gotanysense]

I have so many problems, I don't know where to begin. I grew up with no father because he shot himself and I never knew him. My mom was an acoholic and she died 2 years ago Sunday suddenly. I have always felt like I could never get anything done. I have been through therapy and on medicine.. but I took myself off of it after my mom died because it made me feel emotionless. I am 19. She died when I was 17. I never felt the medicine worked and I have always been frustrated because my therapist could never label me with a disease. I have been through all the tests. Sometimes I feel like a different person. I have no selfconfidence and a lot of guilt and shame. I have an out of control sexual drive, luckily I am not pregnant. I am impulsive and irresponsible with money. I get really high and really low. I feel as if I have the ability to do so much, that I have an intense drive.. but it's so intense.. that I just cease to care. I don't eat like I should and I don't sleep like I should. I smoke a lot of cigarettes, but it doesn't help. I used to be a pothead and I would snort percasettes. (Mispelled) I am off drugs, but I crave them. For the past couple of weeks I have had many life problems, such as car breaking down and a drunken stepfather forcing me to stay with friends and my exboyfriend that i lived with moving to florida in a couple of days, my moms death anniversary, getting fired for the first time.. being completely broke. ETC. My mom never taught me anything about how to live on my own and no one has seemed to step in and want to help.. im scared to death. I have no health insurance and im 8,000 dollars in debt from hospital bills. I recently have realized that I have a disturbing way of thinking.. everything I do I think about something I shouldnt. I have had many thoughts of killing myself and I gave into to slicing both of my legs open.. cutting. I used to not eat and throw up. Me and my mother never got along and I cant help but blame myself for her death. And I know you are going to say that its not my fault.. but I still cant believe shes gone. She was all i had, even though she acted differently from day to day. I just dont know what to do. This isnt even the half of it. I know there is something wrong with me.. but why is it that i pasted all the tests and was just labeled clinically depressed? I dont know if you can help me.. but I just dont know where else to go. I have little friends and they dont seem to understand. Please help.

[Jennifer]

Hey
Sorry for the loss of your mother and your right, I will not try to make you feel better about that. Grief is very personal and there is no time limit on how long you need to grieve.

Sounds like you are on your own and need guidance. A diagnosis will not be the guide that you are looking for. You might be clinically depressed, but you also have emotional problems and no adults to guide you in the right direction.

Are you working now? Who are you living with? How are you doing?