I could use some help here...

MissAngel20 · Joined: 23 Oct 2008 Posts: 4

I know this is long...but please read it. I could really use some advice!

I am not exactly sure how to put this and of course this is going to sound horrible. I don't want anyone to think anything bad of me. I have to explain how terrible this is making me feel. It kind of seems like sometimes I slightly get turned on by kids. I REALLY hate it too. It started out when I was about 14 I babysat this kid (who was REALLY annoying by the way) and he wanted me to help him get dressed and when I did I felt this really weird feeling inside (kinda like butterflies). At the time I didn't really think anything of it. I don't know if it was something I liked or some kind of irritated feeling because kids are so naive.

I am now 20 years old and have been going through a lot of stress lately (about other things) but those I can handle and I am not too worried about anymore. But it was like a few months ago is when I REALLY started stressing about my problem with maybe getting turned on by kids. I really don't want to be that kind of a person. Lately the past couple weeks I have been stressing about it SO bad that I find myself depressed everyday. I have completely lost interest in the things I use to love. It has gotten to the point where every child I see I feel like I am being aroused. Trust me...it really hurts to say that because like I said I absolutely do NOT want to be that kind of a person. It's killing me and I can't stop thinking about it. It's also to the point where I don't even want to me near any kids anymore. I use to love kids...not anymore.

Just so everyone knows, I am a very good person. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I have a really good job, and I love my family and friends.

But this has been getting so bad where I feel like a bad person.

I REALLY want to go see a counselor but I don't have medical insurance. So until then I just really need someone to reach out to that can understand.

Thank you!

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

What you are discussing is against the law and as long as you do not tell us that you are doing anything about it, then you are safe. Urges are different than actions.

You are talking about something inside of you that makes up a part of you. It would not be any different if you felt you were homosexual and you were trying to repress those feelings. Before we go any further with this conversation, I would need to know that you are not acting on these urges in anyway.

MissAngel20 · Joined: 23 Oct 2008 Posts: 4

Oh gawd no I am not acting on that at all. Like I said it has made me want to stay away from kids completely.

It just makes me sad that I have felt that way.

My boyfriend agrees that I might have just thought about it too much to the point where I have manifested it into something bigger that should be absolutely nothing.

and I don't really have like URGES. I just feel weird. And I don't even want to have those feelings...

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Well, i think it is healthy that you are talking about it and making sense of it. Tell me about your childhood. Anything stand out for you? Do you have a lot of free time to think of things? Have you always been imaginative?

MissAngel20 · Joined: 23 Oct 2008 Posts: 4

I had an excellent childhood. My parents have been great parents and still are great parents and they are still together. Married for 25 years. They raised me and my brother right, that's for sure. My whole family is still together. All my aunts and uncles are all still married with kids. My dad's side of the family is Catholic and my mom's side is Christian. We always went to Church when we were younger. I still plan on going again someday. There is nothing in particular about my childhood that went wrong.

and Yes I do have a lot of free time to think. I am thinking that may be part of the problem. I work full time but other than that, when I am at home...I do nothing but think and deal with my problems. Even when I am at work. When I am at work...it's even worse. I don't feel as depressed when I'm at home.

The weird part is...just a couple months I would not think anything of it when I saw a kid. Thought nothing...felt nothing. Now ever since I started stressing about it real bad is when I always think about it when I see a child. I can't stand that.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

okay, so lets go the easy route first and get some hobbies, fill up your life and see if that works. Might just be a call for help. Hows the boyfriend relationship?

MissAngel20 · Joined: 23 Oct 2008 Posts: 4

Well I do like to read a lot and sometimes that helps get my mind off of it. I guess I just have to think of other hobbies to keep my occupied.

The relationship between my boyfriend and I is pretty good. Him and I have been together for almost three years now. We definitely have our ups and downs. Right now he is in a major financial problem that he is trying real hard to get taken care of. And yes that can be real stressful at times.

I talk to him about everything and he really helps me get through everything.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

How are you doing with keeping your mind occupied? Sounds like you have a great relationship and that is important. Hopefully, you are trying to find hobbies or other activities to get involved in to stay busy.