I am spiritually dead

[susan]

Hi,
I am 22 years old girl staying at abroad for my career. Since I was a kid, I didn't get any passion from my parents except financial support. My parents are quite wealthy people and they can gave money as much as I want. Since I was 15, I start to have relationship with men until now. But not even one relationship was not long. I seem to look for the things that I didn't get from my parents from the relationship.Without relationship I feel like I am spiritually dead. I feel deep loneliness and feel like nothing inside my body. I have difficulty of sleeping sometime and want somebody beside me very seriously. I am afraid of making another relationship again because all end up with unpleasant emotion. I tried to stay alone and hardly control myself not to be lonely. But sometime, I can't control myself. and i knew myself that i love no one. I can't describe with the words clearly how I felt when I feel that loneliness. It is not like normal loneliness that other people used to get. It was so deep. Sometime I even think of committing suicide. Sometime this feeling was disappeared from my mind, but sometime it suddenly comes out. If I make a relationship with guy, I know this feeling will fade away for a while. But this is not the solution as well...I am so depressed of having that feeling and I don't know how to figure it out. Please help me to give some suggestion.

[Jennifer]

Hello:
Sorry, I posted a reply awhile back, but didn't go through. How are you since your post? It is part of your upbringing that you are looking for an emotional connection with people, especially men. It is important to remember that you need to have an emotional connection with yourself.

I can tell that you know that money does not make you happy it just helps passive. Getting into relationships to fill a void is not going to fill that void. Needs to be filled by you and the work you need to do.

[susan]

hi jennifer,
Thanks for your reply. Actually I was waiting for your reply. Since my last post, I did get that loneliness feeling from two days ago. I feel blank in my heart and feeling very terrible. I seriously need somebody beside. As I told you at my earlier post, I love no one. I just want to be loved. I am afraid of being unwanted. So I always look for the people who can tolerate me, who can give priority to me. But eventually, when they knows that I don't love them at all, the relation broke up.
I am feeling very afraid that I can't love no one in my life and I can't find my life partner because of this feeling. I want to be normal girl like others.

[Jennifer]

is this emptyness of just getting what you want? When you grow up in a world where you always get what you want, when you do not have something, it feels wierd. Being in a relationship will NOT fix that. The only way to fix it is to kindof be in a relationship with yourself.

I will use the example of AA. It is recommended that people recoverying from substance abuse not enter relationships for a year. It is a recommendation because they need to work on themselves and addicts have a tendency to give too much to others.

I am not saying you are an addict so please do not think that. I gave that example because they have support, but it is still lonely and scary. It gets easier, but all things look different when you are by yourself.

[susan]

i was a drug addict before. I used drug for more than a year. While I was taking drug , I can stay a lone. I rarely got that emptiness feeling. Now I am not using drug for more than 6 months. Please advise how I can work out to be relationship with myself. I don't quite understand that meanings.

[Jennifer]

when you are on drugs, your relationship is your drug of choice, when you are off the drugs, you have a void to fill.

Sounds like you could start as a clean slate, who would you like to be? What kind of person would you strive to be? Who do you admire?

Have you been in therapy before?

[susan]

I started to use drug exactly from 1 and half years ago. I quit from 6 months ago. My relation is not my drug of choice. I made relations because I got that emptiness feeling since I was childhood. I never had to stay with my parents closely. As I mentioned at my first post, I didn't get love from my parents. Sometime they were even cruel and brutal to me. I still feel that pain.
From 1 and half years ago, I started to use drug because I am tired of making relations and drug can fill that emptiness. I quit drug with my own knowledge of knowing that could destroy my career and health.
Now I have nothing. no relation, no drug at all...

I never been therapy before. Let me think of you questions, who I am admire, who I would like to be...

[Jennifer]

You should be proud of yourself for getting clean and realizing that drugs and meaniless relationships will not fill the void that you are feeling. I will await your answer to my question.