I'm new to this site.

[Camaryn]

Hi, I'm Camaryn, and I've been searching for some type of online counseling for free, which has been very difficult to find. Now that I have found one, I'm not even really sure what to talk about hah.

I guess I'd have to say that most of my problems don't really seem legitimate when said out loud, but I've been feeling extremely depressed for the past few weeks now, over quite a few things.

One of them being school. I'm a senior in high school and I absolutely hate it. I've hated school for about 5 years now and have no idea why. I've begged and begged and begged my mom to let me be homeschooled, but she never would because she insists that I need to have a regular routine of being around people my age and I need to be social, which, even though I go to public school, I'm not. I can't seem to make friends and even when people are nice to me, I usually don't like them. I have no patience with anybody, including adults, and frequently get in verbal disputes with people. It's not that I don't want to make friends; I do. It's just like I have no idea how to go about that anymore, and everytime I make a new friend, they seem to piss me off or screw me over in some way, shape, or form. I find school work overbearing. I hardly ever have the energy to do it when I get home. The fact that I have a job doesn't help, either. By the end of the school day, I can hardly concentrate, and by the end of the night, I'm too exhausted to do anything but lay around the house. Over the past 5 years, I've had multiple absences over the school year due to depression. I just find any reason in my mind not to go. Every morning when I get up to get ready, I get a horrible feeling in my stomach. Like I'm panicking or something, even though I don't know why, or really have a reason to panic. I feel like all the other kids at school are immature and not worth a minute of my time. It sounds cocky, but I really don't need to be. I'm a confident person, but I don't think I'm rude to people without reason. I just think the stupid stuff regular high school kids worry about is so ridiculous. I've never had material things as I've grown up, and my mothers been with multiple men since I was younger, so my sisters and I have kind of just learned to stick together and fend for ourselves. Now that I'm the only one left in the house, I guess I just kind of feel like more of an adult that most kids my age would. Even when I try to get along with people my age, I just can't. I can't even date guys my age. My boyfriend is 21, which doesn't bother me at all, but I think it's an easy example of the fact that my intelligence level is well over your average 17 year old's, hindering me from leading a regular teenage/high school life.

Another problem is my job. I've been working as a cashier at walmart for almost a year and a half now, and I absolutely hate it. When most people think of being a cashier, they think it's not a hard job. So did I, until I became one. Dealing with rude people, and grown men who cuss you out on a daily basis, definitely takes a toll on you after a while. I've noticed that even before I started the job, I was antisocial, but now I am even more so because I'm dealing with people so often that after a while, you just want to be left alone. And since I live in such a small town, Walmart is really the only store you can go to, to get everything you need, meaning we're busy ALL THE TIME. When I'm at work, I almost never stop going, so it's like I'm running on empty day after day after day. I'm ready to do something more steady and slow, like receptionary or clerical work, but with the way the economy is, I'm too scared to quit my job, for fear of starting somewhere new and getting laid off, and not being able to get my job at Walmart back.

My boyfriend also works at Walmart. We've been together for a little over a year now and I love him to death. He's been my rock through everything. Over the past year I've been through a lot, and he's never left my side. He's my best friend, and the only person who's really ever there for me, or that I can talk to. However, he's lately been battling with depression, as well. I've seen him depressed before, but never this bad. He's constantly angry and it's affecting everything in his life, including our relationship now. He's told me I stress him out when I want to spend time with him all the time, and I feel like I'm just another annoyance in his life now. He says he doesn't wanna take a break, or break up at all, but I really am beside myself now. Anytime I try to give him advice, he shoots it down, and makes a snippy remark about it. He even told me last night that all the advice anyone gives him is stupid and unrealistic. But I feel like if I don't give him advice, he'll think I won't care, or he'll get so deeply depressed that there'll be no turning back. But when I do give him advice, somehow I'm in the wrong with it. I just have no idea what to do anymore, but I don't wanna lose him. Everyone else says I need to back off, but his depression is so sudden, almost like he just turned into a completely different person, and I don't know how to back off. It would just be abnormal.

My home life isn't that bad, but it's also not ideal, either. My mom recently got out of a 3 year relationship with a guy named Jerry. We lived with him the entire time, but he was extremely abusive. Never physically, at least not in front of me or my sisters, but verbally, to everyone, especially my mom. It as like we all had to walk on eggshells around him. We never knew when there would be a sudden outburst, and every few months my mom claimed she was "leaving" him. We'd always end up going back. In early December of last year, he and I got into a fight over something and he completely blew it out of proportion. My mother demanded I apologize, even though I had done nothing wrong, and finally I stood up for myself and told her that I wasn't going to. She threatened to basically take everything away from me if I didn't, which in my point of few, wasn't fair, so I left and moved in with a friend for about a month and told her I wasn't coming home until she left him. So in late January, we got our own apartment, but she still secretly kept seeing him. Finally, after he promised her over and over again that he would change, but never made good on it, she left him for good. Since then, she's been dating guy after guy, which is driving me crazy, because I know for a fact Jerry still texts her all the time, and I know she's not over him yet. And I don't expect her to be. She's been through a lot, which is my point. She shouldn't be dating new men if she can't even get over him. She needs to work on her own problems, not force herself into yet another relationship. She's never not had a boyfriend. Ever since I was little, she's always been with someone. She has no idea how to be independent, and everytime she meets a new guy, she rushes into the relationship completely too fast. At the end of May she started dating a guy named Rich and immediately started bringing him over to stay the night, every night, for weeks on end, never asking how I felt about it. She's now dating a guy named Abel who has no job, smokes pot, and 3 young kids he can hardly take car of. My mom's already given him one of her trucks, even though she doesn't even know him well enough to know whether he's repsonsible with a vehicle or not. Any time I try to talk to her about it, we just end up getting into a huge, screaming fight.

The last thing I want to talk about is my puppy. When we lived with Jerry, we had 2 dogs, Hemi and Nova. We had them ever since they were babies, and I've never had a connection with another animal like I had with them, as stupid as that may sound. They were like my children. I would've done anything for them. Jerry was always extremely physically abusive to them. When he would get mad, he'd always hit them or kick them, and one time he even pushed Nova off the porch and broke her leg. When my mom finally moved out, just to be mean, Jerry insisted she take the dogs, knowing she probably couldn't because of the fact that we would be moving into an apartment. Needless to say, we tried to keep them, but neither of us had time for them, and they had no room to move around in a 2 bedroom apartment. My mom kept saying she was going to get rid of them, but of course I never believed her. Then one day when I came home from school, they were gone. I called her at work and she said she had taken them and let them out in a field somewhere. I've never seen them ever since, and we've never discussed what she did. I've built up a lot of resentment towards her because of it. Anytime I've tried to address it, she says she doesn't want to talk about it, so I've never been able to get closure. Finally, during the summer, I convinced her to let me get another puppy. I fell in love with her immediately, but of course, she's getting big, and I have no room for her, so now I have to give her up, too. I have this continuous feeling that I'm losing everything/one I love. I can't come to terms with giving her up, even though I know it would be better for her. I don't feel like another family could appreciate or love her like I do, and possibly not knowing who she ends up with or if they're taking care of her or not breaks my heart.

I feel like at this point, all I can do is feel sorry for myself. I have no idea where to look for any answers.[/i][/quote]
_________________
- Camaryn.

[Jennifer]

Hey
Sounds as if you are experience life as a teenager. Sorry to say that but it is true and I can tell you that it does get better if you want it too. First question to you is have you been diagnosed with depression and if so do you take medication? You say that you have missed school for depression, how so. Unfortuntely, I agree with your mom about you going to school because if you do suffer from any depression, being home alone in a small apartment all day would NOT be a good thing for you at all.

I get the impression that you believe you are too mature for high school people but want friends. Can't have it both ways. You say that your boyfriend is your lifeline and he feels as if you ask for too much time. If you had other social interaction, you two would be better off. If he really does have depression as well then he needs to take care of it and you need to give him the space that you need.

As far as your mom goes, she is the only one you have and yes you can get upset with her, not like her behavior or what she does but she is your mom and it sounds as if she gave up a relationship for you which means she is a better mom than you realize and it might take some time for you to recognize that.

Not sure what to say about the dog because you state that you couldn't take care of the ones that you have and now you might have to get rid of the other. Dogs are a great way to socialize just walking a dog you can meet people, go to a dog park, find other people that have dogs like yours.

The job-yes I'm sure being a cashier is not as easy as you thought, but you are very fortunate to have a job right now and I would not advise you to change jobs right now because you are right there is 6 people out of work for 1 job openning and these are people with mortages/kids, etc so stick with what you got.

If you don't take medication for depression what else do you do to stay awake, do you take vitamins do you exercise? What are you going to do after high school? Stay at home, go to college, work? Making plans now can help you figure out how to survive your senior year.

As far as counseling goes, no there is no such thing as free counseling and it shouldn't be. This is a forum and I happen to have the time to offer my time/services for those that need it, but therapists go through a lot of school to get their degrees so it would be like you working at walmart without getting paid, not fun to even think about

Hope I gave you some things to think about here and to comment on to start out with.

[Camaryn]

I haven't been diagnosed with it. I might've been when I was younger, but not that I can ever remember. I took medication when I was younger, but not anymore. Even if I wanted to, I don't make enough money and neither does my mom, and I don't have insurance, so that's not an option. I've missed school due to depression because I feel so miserble that it's not even worth getting out of bed. Throughout my 7th-9th grade years, I would cry and beg my mom to let me stay home day after day. I know I need to get out and interact with other people, but I don't feel comfortable doing it. I don't do well in big groups of people. especially when I don't know them. Being at home alone is actually ideal for me. There have been plently of times I've been invited to go out and hang out with people, but I always find a reason to say no. Now that I'm driving, I go out a little more, but I can honestly say I probably have like 5 friends. And I only really talk to them, I don't ever really hang out with them.

I don't think I'm TOO mature for high school, but I do think I'm a lot more mature than the kids there. I'm not worried about the fact that I don't get the newest Prada bag, and I don't stomp around school all day because my daddy didn't buy me a new car. That's not me. I think there's more to life than that, and because of the fact that I never had a lot when I grew up, people like that piss me off to no end. The reason I'm having trouble adapting to my boyfriend's depression is because he's never been like this before. He bottles things up inside and just FINALLY told me last night that it stresses him out that I want to hang out with him every chance we get, which is so far from how he used to be. HE used to be the one trying to hang out with me all the time, and now it's like I'm dating myself. How do you adapt to that over night? And he won't take care of his depression. He has that attitude that most guys have: too tough to really tell anyone how they feel. He doesn't want some therapist assessing his problems and he doesn't want to take medication. He has the kind of family that doesn't take depression seriously, and to them, he has no reason to be depressed, so he would just be mocked about it. I've tried to ask him to get help, but he won't.

I realize that my mom's done whatever she had to, to provide for me and my sisters. However, since I'm the youngest, I've been the one who's suffered the entire time she was with Jerry, and nobody, not even my sisters, understand that. I've always gotten the short end of the stick. They experienced everything before me. I was kept locked up in the house with them for so long, and I do kind of blame her for making me almost socially retarded. She tells me I need to makes friends, when she's more reclusive than I am. I think she's done more bad in my life the past couple of years than good. And she's never apologized. She may have left Jerry, but she's not making any other good choices in her life, or even trying to change. Everyone in my family can see it but her, and she won't ever take anyones' advice, even though she knows how it affects me because I've told her up front.

I don't have TIME to even walk the dog, and when I'm at work, my mom just keeps her either locked up in her kennel or on our patio. When I'm home I'm trying to relax or catch up on school work. Even my off days are full with cleaning and doing all the things I can't do on the other days when I'm working. Because if I don't do them, they won't get done. My mom never cleans when I'm not here, she hardly ever cooks, she won't help out with my puppy. I've been sick on and off the past couple of weeks because of being so stressed out and even then, she didn't help me. I heard my puppy howling in her kennel around 5 PM the other day because my mom left her in there all day, didn't even take her out to use the bathroom or feed her. Plus, even if I had the time, she's a Catahoula dog, and even at such a young age, they're extremely territorial and loyal. She would attack other dogs.

But if I can't change jobs, how do I learn how to not let it get to me so much? Every night I come home pissed off because of stupid customers. I'm in a bad mood almost every night. Just thinking about it pisses me off. It's all I ever talk about.

I don't do anything to stay awake. I pretty much run on empty 24/7. I'm always exhausted, even on days when I do nothing, which is hardly ever. I don't have time to exercise. When I'm not working, I'm catching up on rest, cleaning, school work, or hanging out with John. After high school I plan on going to the community college here to major in Creative Writing. And I'm still going to work, or else I'll have no money for anything. I've had this planned out since they beginning of my junior year, and I don't find it to be of any help in making me thrive throughout high school.

I'm not saying counseling should be free, I'm saying I've been looking for SOME sort of online counseling that's free because 1) I don't have the time to go to regular counseling, and 2) I don't have the money to spend $50-$100 a session.
_________________
- Camaryn.

[Jennifer]

What is wrong with having 5 or so friends that sounds like a lot to me and if you talk to them, hang out with one at a time at the times that your boyfriend needs his alone time. Trust me, if you start giving him his alone time, he won't want it so much.

I can't believe that all the people in your school are petty and just care about material things, there has to be other people that are down to earth that also work full time.

As far as insurance goes, you are entilled to health care and with health care comes medications. Healthy choice or even medicaid if your mom does not make a lot of money is an option for you. Something to look into.

As far as work goes, I'm sure you joke around with the other cashiers about the people. I can tell you that I believe that everyone should work in some field that they have to deal with people because in the end it makes them respect others more and much nicer to others. I remember I had a horrible day at work, busy as can be and I met a friend after work for dinner. Well, I thought I had a bad day, the hostess was getting brutalized by people left and right. Turns out we got a table quick because we were nice and respectful and that is the way it should be.

If all you do is work, clean go to school, etc of course your tired all the time, you need some down time, we all do and it needs to be part of your routine. Was one of the requirements of getting the dog that you take full responsility for it? If so, then can't blame your mom for her actions or lack of actions? When something is bothering you, do you tell her or just keep it to yourself?

Community college is a great idea! You should try to figure out the details now so you can prepare yourself for it next year, how to pay for it, if you need loans you need to do that now, have you taken your SAT's yet? all that stuff.

Online counseling is the same as face to face counseling, that is what I was trying to say. The counselors have the same degrees, actually probably more degrees than some face to face counselors and if you go to as much school as I have, you know what you are worth as far as payment goes. I can only hope that you will be able to experience that one day and look back on this time as just a passing moment in your life.

[Camaryn]

Well, most of my friends have jobs, also, so it's hard to coordinate plans. Something always gets in the way. Like when I'm off, they're not, or they have other plans, etc. I'm not making excuses. I do TRY to hang out with them, it's just difficult. And with high school comes all the partying, which I'm not into AT ALL, so sometimes that can ruin things. I'm not up for going out and getting drunk with a bunch of people I don't know, or smoking pot, or anything along those lines. Not ALL of my friends do that, but some do, and I'm not gonna NOT be their friends because of what they do, but I'm not gonna take part in it if I'm not comfortable with it, either. I guess it's just hard for me to imagine spending time with someone other than my boyfriend, because we usually just hang out with each other in our off time. Which I know is a little unhealthy. He and I both agree that we DO need to make more friends, because we like our relationship, but there's also a difference between that and having a friend to talk to. I guess we both just don't really know how to go about making new friends I guess you could say? Or how to I guess "rekindle" the friendships that we have now that aren't really active anymore?

I go to a REALLY big school, so it's hard to get to know a lot of people on a personal basis. But this year I have NO classes with any of who I would consider a good friend, or anyone who I would hang out with outside of school. I mean, I have classes with people I know and with acquaintances, but no one I've ever really hung out with outside of school or would hang out with.

Well, I didn't know that about insurace. I know I used to have Medicaid before, but I don't know what happened with that. My mom always says she's gonna take care of it and call them about it, but she never does, and I don't really know how to go about that at all.

I absolutely agree with you that you never appreciate people who work in retail until you do yourself. And I'm glad I've gained that from my job. But at the same time, I just feel like it's time in my life to take on something new. I feel like this is a dead-end job and I work my butt off without any recognition for it. I deal with rude people all day long only to have to come home to hear my mom complain about everything I do or haven't done.

I guess I really don't know how to have "down time." I mean, on my days off, I just wanna sleep, or I wanna go see John. But usually I never rest, I just do all the things I need to catch up on, such as cleaning, homework, etc. And as much as I like seeing John, it's exhausting, too. I mean I don't wanna NOT see him. He works full time and I go to school and then work part time, as well, so when we DO have off time, we try to see each other as much as possible. And it does make me happy to escape from my house and spend time with him, but at the same time, I don't know how to do that and relax, as well. I am supposed to take full responsibility for the dog. Which I also did with my other dogs, when I had the time. But she also helped me out with the other dogs, too. I'm not expecting her to just play with a puppy all day long and not be able to relax when she comes home, but I also think she could be a little more considerate and take her outside to go to the bathroom or feed her instead of leaving her in her kennel or on the patio all night long while she howls until I get off work and finally feed her at 10 o'clock at night. I just think it's insensitive of her to not do those things and I don't see how she can sit there and hear her cry and not feel guilty for leaving her in here. It is my responsibilty, I'm not denying that, but I thought things would be the same as when we had the dogs before. If she had told me that she wasn't taking part at all in even taking her to use the bathroom, I wouldn't have got the dog in the first place.

They'll go through all the details with me at school as far as signing up and doing the whole FAFSA thing, student loans, financial aid, etc. I took the SAT at the end of my junior year and I'm currently taking college classes at the high school already.
_________________
- Camaryn.

[Jennifer]

Hey
Glad to hear that you already took your SAT's and taking college courses, that will help you out next year. Those FASA deadlines are serious and you can get aid no problem but you need to make sure you adhere to those deadlines, sounds as if you will have to take care of that yourself.

I know about schedules and it sounds as if you will have to get out of the routine that you and your boyfriend have together. Do you hang out with other couples? That might be a first step in the whole hanging out thing.

I do hear ya about the job but what you are telling me this is not a career for you it is just a job and it would be wise to wait until you graduate hs before you look for another job and hopefully by then the economy will turn around.

As far as downtime goes, what do you enjoy doing besides hanging with your boyfriend? And as far as the dog goes, yes it would be nice if your mom helped out but it seems as if she has some either resentment or something about taking care of it so it is sad that it has to be that way for the both of you.

When you graduate, you can get health insurance through your school, you have to be 18 to do it or you would probably qualify for medicaid on your own, possible might be something to bring up to your mom about.

As far as the stuff goes with friends, different strokes, different folks, i hear ya about not wanting to hang out and do what they do and its okay if they want to do it, but that is where finding new people that have similiar interests to you comes in handy. Maybe some of those people that are just acquaintances are better than the friends that you know, who knows.

[Camaryn]

We don't really know any other couples, besides his cousin and his girlfriend, but again, our work schedules are always conflicting, and his cousin is always hanging out with her alone, so John barey ever even gets to hang out with him alone. It's also kinda hard to bring my friends around him because of the age difference, which I hate. He says I act different when I'm with my friends. More immature and loud, which embarrasses him. But, I can't really blame him, because when we first got together, he had never really seen me around my friends. In my opinion, I don't act much different. I just have a good time. Like I said, there's a difference between having a relationship and a friendship. But when I hang out with him and his friends, I seem to blend right in. I get along with all of them really well, and we always have a good time. I just don't know how to bring MY friends around him and have a good time, too?

It's been so long since I've actually had down time, that when I do and I'm NOT busy with housework or school or hanging out with John, I really don't know what to do. Before I had a job, I would just hang out with friends a lot, but now that I have a job, I've lost a lot of those friendships due to not having any time. So I'm kinda stuck on that one, too. I don't know why my mom would have resentment towards me because of the dog? Unless she just feels guilty for doing what she did to the old dogs, but in my opinion, I would think it would make her want to be even MORE involved with our NEW dog.

I turn 18 in about a month in a half. Would medicaid cover counseling?

I'd like to hang out with different people more often, but I just don't know how to ever bring it about I guess? And the aquaintances I DO have, I'm not really interested in hanging out with outside of school, as rude as it sounds.
_________________
- Camaryn.

[Jennifer]

Medicaid is insurance so yes if you can find a therapist that accepts it which might be challenging yes it would cover counseling but it will cover medications as well.

Most people are different around their friends, not a bad thing mostly how it is. I am getting from you that hanging out with your boyfriend is not considered down time. It should be and should be enjoyable as well. I do realize that the age difference is not that huge between the two of you but you are from different generations and that would make it easier for you to hang out with his friends than you hang out with your friends.

Didn't mean that your mom had resentment for you about the dogs, just in general about the whole dog thing.

Up to you about the friend thing, just giving you some suggestions.