How to find peace and happiness

williworm · Joined: 10 Sep 2010 Posts: 4

This is my first time posting here. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for at least 30 years. I didn't know what it was back in high school, so I let it go way too long before seeking help. I've been to numerous doctors and therapists, and am now seeing a therapist who I hope will be able to help me. I am on antidepressants (pristiq 50 mg and Eleval 50 mg) and have Ativan for breakthrough anxiety as needed. I feel the meds do help as I don't get into that deep, dark place that I used to go. But my ultimate goal is to be happy with who I am, and happy with my life, and at peace. I don't know how to get there. It is a struggle. I've self medicated in the past with pain medications (abused them for awhile) and sometimes alcohol. I do not drink much at all because alcohol is a depressant and I sure don't need more of that. I try to read uplifting books, watch uplifting movies, and that helps temporarily, but I still feel sad deep down.

I know I've gone through my life alsways saying I'll be happy when I get this, and when that comes, I move on to something else that I'll be happy when I get, like a new house or a car, etc. Then when I get them, I have to have something else to look forward to. I just want to be happy with what I have and be thankful. I know I've just begun therapy again (been a few months), so am I just going to have to give it more time? I know with depression, there is always a waiting period...waiting for meds to kick in, etc. It is hard for me to really see myself being happy and at peace. I have horrible self esteem, and I don't see how I'd ever think of myself as pretty or liking what I see every day.

I don't know if any of this has made sense. I just felt the need to get it all out, so I apologize if it is all over the place. I feel alone in how I feel, and even alone in a room full of people I know love me.

Thanks for your time.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

yes it makes sense and i'm glad to hear that you are sticking it out and trying therapy again. the two issues here are the depression and the self esteem which i'm sure for you go hand in hand. also glad to hear you are not self medicating again. since you are already in therapy, what are you looking to get from this site?

williworm · Joined: 10 Sep 2010 Posts: 4

I guess for help during times when I can't see my therapist or just am not able or ready to discuss topics with him. It isn't easy for me to talk about my feelings. I just had a session Wednesday, and I felt good, but now, two days later, I'm feeling down and sad and unmotivated. Is it even possible to change from someone who dislikes herself to someone who likes herself and is happy for being who they are? I cannot imagine EVER saying to myself that I am a good person, or that I'm pretty, or whatever, and actually believing it.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

of course its possible, what changed in your mind from seeing your therapist to today?

williworm · Joined: 10 Sep 2010 Posts: 4

Its been awhile, and I'm still very depressed. I can't seem to make myself be happy. It is very hard to get up in the morning when I'd rather just stay in bed. I don't feel like I have hope. I stopped seeing my counselor because I kept having to cancel. I dont' know how I will ever be well or "fix" myself. I feel lonely and scared and blah. How can I get happy?

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

sounds as if you need a med change, if you can't get out of the bed in the morning than you are in a downward cycle and need to get stablized.