Hey Jennifer,

[Kia808]

Are you the creator of this site?! I notice your name is on almost every post as well as being the first to join this site!

My name is Kia, and I joined this site to help me cope with my past life which still has an affect on me today! No matter how Ive tried to let my past go, at least once every two years or sometimes in certain situations I find myself in a really deep depression! When I get into these depressions I usually lock myself up in my room, I dont leave the house nor answer my phone or make any outgoing calls four about 4days! I dont eat much but just snack! The whole entire time this is going on im just lying in bed like a dead corpse not having any contact with friends, family, or anyone at all!

Growing up I was always misunderstood! I was kicked out of my house to live with my grandfather (my abuser) at the age of 8yrs old! I was a very curious and soft hearted person! Loved everyone and everything and ive always asked a lot of questions! My family took it as me talking back and not listening to their instructions, when all I wanted to know is why?! Just so I understood!

At the age of 8, when I moved in with my grandfather is when I began to live in fear! My grandfather physically abused me! He beat me for any little reason, and in front of family too! Who did absolutely nothing to stop it! He had his own work shop in the back of the house where he used to threaten me by throwing me on his table saw while in use! He would trash my whole entire bedroom if something was not in its place. It couldve been a pencil that fell out of my cup that just sat there on my desk, or a sock sticking out of a drawer! He would remind me at the very least, every other day, that I was stupid, that I was a nobody, and that I would be a nobody for the rest of my life! I had to hear those words for the next ten years of my life! Hearing those words constantly for ten years can really put a lot on your mind! I tried to do things right by him, but even then something was always wrong!

I tried to clean the entire house without being told just to save me a day of grief! In doing so I did a really good job! But, when he noticed that I had touched a picture of his mother, which I did so just to dust it, he then grabbed me by the arm! As I was kicking and screaming trying to get away knowing something terrible was about to happen, he then pulled me into the kitchen, grabbed the chopping board and a kitchen knife, and placed my hand on the chopping board! He was a lot stronger than I was and I couldnt get away from him! He raised the knife and then "CHOP"! He had let my hand go at the last minute knowing that I kept pulling away afraid! And I was terrified! This is one of my most horrific memories! I couldnt understand why he coudnt let that one thing go when all I was trying to do was... just satisfy him so I wouldnt have to live in so much fear! Why couldnt he look at the big picture and notice what my attempt was all for!

I used to sleep on the top of a bunkbed. Underneath me was storage space, no one else to comfort me! Every morning to get me up, he would walk in the room and take me by the foot and yank me off onto the floor!

I cried to my father one day, telling him how his father-in-law beat me! I was devistated! I made him promise me that he would stop my grandfather if ever he laid a hand on me while in his presence! Two weeks later it happened, and there was no reaction from my father! I felt like I was not worth much alive after that incident! He had to make a hard decision as I have learned! The choice of disrespecting my mothers entire family by going against the one person who they were taught to never disagree or go against, or to save me from just another beating! I dont blame my father too much for not being there when I needed him! A lot of the abuse happened when no one was around! How could he understand and believe how many times and to what extent my grandfather has taken these beatings too? And yet still today, I just couldnt understand why anyone would just allow something like this to happen!

Well, currently in the present I am afraid of, but more over the fact that I dont want another stage of depression to come around anymore! Im sick and tired of being sick and tired of my past! I dont hate my grandfather today, I just dont give a shit about him anymore! But even with that being said, he is somehow still in my head! I am such an easy going and happy person, and this is my therapy!

I wanted to reach out to you since Ive noticed not too many people are eager to get on and talk about themselves as well as to others, whether to help or to get help! I notice people are on and do check up on there posts, however I would love to see more of us helping one another! I need help, and so im pushing the issue and reaching out to whomever I can! And since Ive took notice of you, I am asking for your time, and senserity! I hope you can put some time in for me, and really help! I know this is not as important to you as it is to me, but I would be ever so greatful with anything anyone can do fro me in my time for change!

Thank you so very much if you are able to put some time out for me and lend me a helping hand! May GOD bless us all!

Kia808
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KiA808

[Jennifer]

yes i am the owner of complete counseling solutions and have a doctorate degree in marriage and family therapy. i set up this forum because so many people need help and it is really hard to help others when you are trying to figue things out on your own. I have read your posts and appreciate what you have said to others.

As far as your past goes, you say its in the past, but im not sure that is true. putting abuse in the past for real is really hard to do and i do hope that you have done that for yourself.

you say that you don't want the depression to come back. what do you do to keep it away?

[Kia808]

Growing up i have had a lot of friends! due to my grandfather telling me i am a nobody and nobody would like me or care for me, i went out and made as much friends as i could! Well even at my age now i am making friends and keeping them interested in me, making more friends, meeting new people and so on. I have become Mr.Personality! or here we call it Mr.Aloha! and that is how i have been able to keep myself from falling into depression, or postponing it! I use my friends as therapy, to smile and never go near the feeling of anger, hate, or arguements, and fights, sadness, frustrations, depression, lonely, etc! Just happiness and good times!

But that has also caused me to lose focus on a career! Preparing my life ahead, taking on my journey through life with pride and ambition! I dont have that drive! and it sadens me! My grandfather shot my self-esteem right out of the sky! and the only way for me to feel worth something in life is to have my friends tell me how special i am! and not how successful i am! I need to get my ambition back! Many years ago when i was in school, i had so much ambition to do and become what ever it is i wanted to be... but then there was always my grandfather telling me what i already am suppose to be, a nobody! in school my teachers and certain close friends could see how ambitious i was when i had my mind set on something! but then over the years of growing up in my grandfathers hands, i lost the ambition! and that is what i really want back! what i allowed him to take from me! i am not myself! well, not the self that i used to be! i want to get back to the way i was before! Amitious, focused, strong, creative, smart in my own way!

i feel like im talking about annother person sometimes! and it frustrates me, because i know who i am really talking about! Me! it just seems like too much time has gone by in order for me to get back those qualities! and now im feeling and wondering if me saying that is due from me knowing the truth or because of how my grandfather has raised me! Is it me controlling myself? or is this the cause of my grandfather and his cruelty towards me?! I feel like two people inside! One side is the real side! the side who wants to be me, who is me, ambitous and strong!!! and the other, the cause and effect of what life has given to me! My grandfather! I know i want to be me, but i fear that being me, i would have to hear the truth about being accepted or not! how my grandfather used to say that no one will care for me! So i live behind a wall protecting myself from what could happen, whther its true or not, i feel like im just too fragile to get hurt again!

i hope this makes sense to you and hope you can understand it! I also apoligize for the delay in response! thanks you...
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KiA808

[Jennifer]

hey
sounds as if yur grandfather is still calling the shots. nobody can give you self esteem hence the word self and no matter how many people you enlist to try to help you feel good about yourself.

[Kia808]

So what kind of excersizes can i do to practice on my self-esteem issue!? What kind of practices can i do to at least help me?! I want help and need help! I wann be able to get myself out of where i am today! Emotionally!
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KiA808

[Jennifer]

you can scale your self esteem on a 1 tto 5 1 being the lowest and figure out what makes a 1 day and what makes a 5 day or in between of course