Hello again- retrying my initial post my story- please help

[livingwiththepast]

I am sorry if my original post offended anyone with it's upsetting content. I was not in a good place in my head when I wrote it. I deleted it and also created a new account, as I did not mean to use my name.

I have been batteling depression since I was a young teen. Early in those years I had attempted taking my life 3 times. I managed making my self sick but that was it. during hugh school I lost a friend to suicide. I felt weak because he had succeeded and I had failed.
Throughout my teen years I was always down and I knew I needed help but was afraid to ask. If I wasn't active I drawn to hurting myself and planning on ways to end it. I would often draw them out during lectures half hoping the teacher would catch me. I starved myself because it made me very light headed and they noticed that. But even when pressured and asked, I couldn't talk about it.
After j.r. High I starting dating older guys because everyone noticed, my friends thought it was cool, the adults in my life said it was dangerous. The adults were right. After that I didn't care about anything and I let myself go and didn't care about anything anymore. I went from being an honor and advanced placement student to not being able to complete the most basic assignments.
Eventually I found an escape, I knew I would be okay as long as I stayed active, so I poured myself into my music. I became obessed with it. I would often sneak out of classes to go into the back band rooms and practice or cry. I was not good but I was able to focus my mind on it instead of the darkness.
While I was in college I married the most wonderful man. We have beautiful children and he takes care of anything I could possibly need. In fact he is the 1st person I ever told my entire story too, and he understands and supports me.
Yet I still have been batteling depression and suicidal thoughts. lately everything from my past has been weighing on me. I have panic attacks, and events play though my head like they are real, or like a dream when I am awake. I lost my sister this way and it scares me, it also scares me that my children could grow up feeling the same way.

[Jennifer]

Glad to hear that you are still trying to make yourself better and sounds like you have concerns about your children. Your story has a happy ending as it seems and you are doing okay. Is that true? Where does all the darkness come from? Did you ever get help when you were younger? Do you take anything now to stabilize your mood?

Yes, depression does run in families, but there is no evidence at least to my knowledge of how much. It is not a guarantee that your kids will feel the same way. How old are they now? Do then show any of the same signs that you did when you were younger? What would you do if they started to show the same signs?

Explain alittle more about what is going on with you now? Are you getting worse or is this normal for you? What are you feeling?

[livingwiththepast]

Thank you for your reply. I have been feeling worse. I have not felt this down for this long since that time in my life. I literally have no emotions other than frustration. I can't feel happy, sad, excited, no matter what is going on. I also can't talk straight, words come out ina jumbled mess I have to stop really think about what I was trying to say and start over.
My bio children are 2,4,and6. My daughter seems to be more outgoing than I was, but honestly I can't remember much about my preteen years. I worry most about her because she is my only girl, but right now there is othing that really concerns me.

My 4 year old on the other hand is hypersensitive and the slightest thing sends him off into a fit of tears and screaming. It's not a tantrum it's more severe. He has a friend but is more of a loner and has a temper. He seemed to do a little better while he was in preschool but has regressed since being at home with all the kids all summer including my 2 step-sons (8 and 10).

[Jennifer]

What's with the jumbled speech? Is that because you have so much racing in your mind?

As far as your son goes, is he starting kindergarden this year. Do you think he has ADHD. Kids that really have ADHD benefit from getting help. A lot of times it is a label that gets put onto them by others, but if he cannot stay still and is affected by others, isn't able to play with other children, etc, it might be a possiblity.

What is dragging you down? Have you ever gotten professional help for anything? Sounds like you have a full house there, I can imagine why your words get jumbled

[livingwiththepast]

My mind is usually racing it is hard to calm it down to sleep or even when spending alone time with my husband.

My four year old will not start Kindergarten until next year. He really did well in preschool, so I would be very hesitant to say he is adhd. If he had issues in school I might consider the option but putting him on meds is something I would really struggle with. He can stay focused as long as he has something to be focused on.

Not working is a major stress, it is difficult to get by one one income, but even harder to find something that is worth it after paying childcare for two children. I am babysitting a 5 year old in the mornings a few days a week now so at least I can contribute a little. But mainly what is bringing me down is just everything in my past just keeps coming back in my head.

I am frustrated because I really am not functioning I do the bare minimum for the kids, I did the first load of laundry in a week yesterday and managed to load the dishwasher for the first time. My husband has been picking up my slack which isn't fair to him. I know what needs to be done and I want to get it done, but I get up and start then something distracts me whether it be the kids, the phone, or just my own head, and next thing I know it's evening.

[Jennifer]

Okay so what in your past is wearing you down. What do you think that you need to deal with and how can you deal with it? You are contribuiting to the family and day is very expensive. I am sure that your whole paycheck would go to daycare anyways.

I agree with you about your son, watch the tantrums though with him,

Lets get you doing laundry and house chores!!

[livingwiththepast]

I don't know if there is anything that I can deal with there is nothing in particular. I don't know if it was actually happened in the past, or just because I am feeling that way again that is bringing it all up. The past suicide attempts scare me the most. I don't know why the thoughts pop into my head, honestly I feel like I have no right to be depressed. I know what it is like to truly have a sucky life and to have bad things happen, but that is not my life anymore. I know how lucky I am and don't want to lose it.

[Jennifer]

Sounds like you are entering a self fulfilling cycle. You do not want to lose it, but you are thinking thoughts that will bring you down. It is time to forgive yourself for being a kid and doing things that you regret. We all do them. You did not succeed at killing yourself. That was not a failure, it was so you could go on to be a wonderful adult, mother and wife. Time to find closure on the past and look forward to the future.

what makes you get out of bed in the morning?

[livingwiththepast]

my kids. If I don't have to get up to get my daughter ready for school then I will stay in bed until they come in and whine for me to get up.

[Jennifer]

Nah, you get up because you are needed and you feel important. If it was more important to stay in bed you would. What makes you stay out of bed after the kids go to school?

[livingwiththepast]

Important? No What keeps me out of bed? my younger children, don't let me sit down for 2 minutes let alone lay back down. I still have a 2 year old at home all day. Instead I sit on the computer or in front of the TV getting up only when I have to for them.

[Jennifer]

How are you doing?

[livingwiththepast]

Thank you for asking, I went to the dr today. Got changed from Zoloft to Celexa. But overall in the past week or so I have been doing better. Over Labpr day weekend I even painted both kids rooms! Okay well I haven't finsished the boys' room but it's mostly done. I'm still not keeping up with housework, but spending more time with the kids. My hubby is working out of town this week, so the dr. had a lot of sympathy for me!

[Jennifer]

sounds great! keep me updated on how the new meds make you feel. glad to hear you just started painting. I would be woried if you finished the room already