HELP!!! i am a horrible person!!

[beille]

i dont know where to start at this point. i am so overwhelmed and depressed that i can't seem to ever get out of it. i cry literally every day. My husband is the only one i want to be around at all and the only one i treat well at all. i dont want to even get out of bed. we have been staying with my parents due to my dad being sick with cancer. i have been slowing watching a 62 year old man that i have loved my entire life die slowly every day. my mother would drop everything to help me and my husband but yet with the love i feel for her i feel like for some reaon i have the same amount of hate for her. i never want to talk to her and never want her to talk to me. she was the one that was there for everything i ever did growing up, not my dad. she has lent me money everytime i need it (even though she makes me pay her back and doesn't make my brother--he's her favorite, not me!), and has literally went out of her way to help me and my husband but yet i cant shake this feeling of hate for her. i feel like every day i wake up here at her house i hate her even more and want nothing to do with her. she wont leave me alone and let me be which makes me even more mad at her. but is what is confusing, i know she doesn't deserve this hate and i know that i love her more than the hate but i can't shake the hate. i just got layed off and will hopefully be starting a new job soon--received an offer this week. my husband and i can't seem to get our financials in order to be able to move out of here and i feel like every day i am here a little more of me dies. i know that i am a horrible awful person but can't seem to fix it anymore and have this overwhelming sadness that has almost become comforting to where i have even a harder time being happy. can someone please help me???
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Lorrie

[Jennifer]

I think you resent your mother for playing favorites with your brother. Now that she's supporting you and your husband's financial failings, you take her assistance as a weakness. You'd probably appreciate her more if she hadn't taken you both in.

So, what can you do to move forward with your own life? you stated that you are living with them because of your dad's illnss, but then state that it is because of financial reasons. is it one or both?

[beille]

we are living here to help with her with my dad. he has become wheelchair boUnd and is now unable to transfer himself from the wheelchair to the bed or toliet or where ever he needs to go. he is going blind and deaf and has stage 4 cancer all due to agent orange so he has become completely dependent. we have finacial problems but that is not why we are here. i hate the fact that she never bothers to fix anyone any dinner except microwave stuff but expects us to fix a huge meal for her. i am pissed that she does absoultley nothing but sleep in her chair all day long,LITERALLY!!, and wants me help take care of dad, do dinner and help clean the house after i have been gone for 15 hours for work. now that we live out here, the closest jobs are 2 hours away without traffic. Dad takes complete advantage of her and makes her think he is worse than he is and she falls for it everytime. even now as i type i am getting more mad at her and my dad and sitting here and am in tears. she hollers up the stairs just now that she is fixing to watch something i want to watch and i can't even find a way to answer her back without being hateful so i just sit and say nothing. i feel HORRIBLE!!
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Lorrie

[Jennifer]

There are things that you should be doing for your father and things that you should not. Do you have nursing care help or hospice that comes into the house? It is very unhealthy for you, your mother or anyone that close to your father to be doing this all by yourself. Sounds like you are taking out your anger on your mom and she is at a lost and does not know how to handle your father being sick.

Might just be that this is early grief and you two are not dealing with his illness very well. There is no right way to feel when you watch someone that you love get sicker and sicker, but anger is a common one and anger towards a healthy person such as your mother is easier than being angry at your dad for being sick and leaving you.

If it is too much, then you need to move out of the house and get your parents care. Even with just medicare, they are able to get some aide help and hospic is free in most states with medicare.

[beille]

i have already talked to my husband today and told him that if i get this job and as soon as i start getting regular paychecks i want to move out as soon as possible. financially able or not, i think being in this house is what is doing this to me. if it wasn't for our 3 dogs, i would leave and live in the car, that is how badly i want out of this house right now.

maybe your right. maybe i am mad at her because i can't be mad at him. all he ever wants is for people to feel sorry for him and do for him. he doesn't even try to do things for himself anymore!! his medical care is all through the VA. he has disability social security but not elig. for medicare per Social Security., but the VA should pay for anything he needs. i know someone else should be here doing this. i did it for my husbands mother and i didn't have this problem but i also did not have the same relationship with her as my own parents obviously.

all i know is that being here i feel like i can't breath anymore and i can't seem to find a way to even say something nice to my mother anymore. i dont know how to tell her i can't do this without being hateful and still say here until i get another job and a place to live, so i just stay upstairs on the computer away from both of them as much as possible.

i am still sitting here crying and i can't ever seem to stop when i let myself think about all this. i just want to be happy again and i can't seem to find happy in this house anymore.
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Lorrie

[Jennifer]

Okay, need to ask once again, are you living there for financial reasons or because you are taking care of your parents? You seem to keep on saying that you are in a financial situation which hopefully you will able to remove yourself from.

On monday, start calling about benefits for him. If he has VA benefits, then yes he should be eligible for more than you and your family are providing. Everyone needs a break and needs help at some point. You have reached your point for whatever reason. You mentioned that you took care of your mother-in-law, maybe you are just fed up with caring for people, bottom line is you need to get him professional care and move out as soon as it is possible for you.

[beille]

we are here for help for him but have come upon financial problems since being here. all of money that we were using to pay off bills is now having to go to gas to get us back and forth to work since we are so far away from work now. The area that my parents live in does not offer jobs at the same pay scale and when we figured it up, we would be losing even more money if we took the pay cut to work around here. that is where the financial is coming from. we now have no savings to move out of here with.

once i leave this house, will these feelings of not wanting to be around either one of them go away? because right now i dont want to be around either of them anymore. like i said, everyday that i wake up in this house my depression gets worse and i get even more sad and feel more hate. i hate this feeling! thanks for your help!!
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Lorrie

[Jennifer]

Glad to help. I can guarantee that your relationship will be better, but you and your husband will be doing what you need to be doing in order to move forward and still help your parents.