Going on 9 months now...no end in sight...

[BrokenLullaby]

hello,

I am a 25 year old woman. Since october I have been feeling more and more out of control. I used to have a 5 year plan...graduated university and college and thought employment would come easy. I was under the impression that it didn't matter to me what my job was, I would find happiness in my hobbies and my day job would play for my hobbies. As soon as I got out in the work world I realised how wrong I was. I can't handle being in a crap job for the rest of my life. I got a job in my field and it was horrible. I was having panic attacks (couldn't breathe, crying spells, heart palpitations) a couple times a week. Spending $20,000 on my education and having students loans to pay back is limiting my ability to go back to school to do something I would actually enjoy. I felt my options were getting very limited. That's when I started self-harming (nothing that bigger than a bad papercut). Then the next day when I starting feeling like things were out of my control, I would be able to feel my cut and it would calm me down. Knowing what I did, gave me some power back. Sensing this environment was not condusive to my health, I did leave and went unemployed for a while until January when I got a temp job which I am still currently doing. The job is better, but my contract ends in a few months. The problem is I have no desire to do anything anymore. I don't even have a 1 year plan anymore. Along with the self-harming, I have been completely ignoring my friends for months. I don't leave my house. I have no desire to do anything I used to like...haven't watched a movie/played playstation/hung out with friends in months. The fact that my friends let me fall off the radar makes me think I am easily forgetable/replaceable. I have been drinking more lately as well. I guess the picture I had in my head for when I was 25 isn't lining up with reality. I look at my friends and they are getting engaged/married/kids/houses and I feel like I am missing some piece of the puzzle that everyone else has but me and I am struggling to keep up which is making me sooooo tired all the time.
What am I missing?

[Jennifer]

Hello:
I do not think the job is the problem. Have you ever cut before? When you were in school and thinking that the 5 year plan was working, were you happy? Sounds like you are going in the wrong direction and need to get back on the right track. Who says you have to spend more money to have goals. What is it that you want to do with your life?

[BrokenLullaby]

I started cutting for the first time in november.
I believe I was happy during that time I was in school. Then it was extremely hard finding a job, even still, I am just a temp so absolutely no job security. I took topics in school to open many doors after graduation because I thought as long as I get a job (and a foot in the door), it will be fine. But now staring at my life of 30+ years of sitting in a cubicle and I don't know what I was thinking.
If there was nothing in my way (funds, obligations), I would love to take medical laboratory science. It is a 4 year degree that is only offered in the day time. I can see myself enjoying staring at a microscope for 30+ years. I am still paying off student loans so I need to work. Even programs for medical lab assistants through career schools are only offered during the day and are extremely expensive. And the job prospects are worse (for entry level employment) than my current field so I would still be scrambling to find a job after everything.
Then when I get that question, what do I want to do with my life... and wondering if I am just freaking out and nothing I decide to do will make me happy, like a mid-20's crisis...and I hate myself for being so indecisive.

[Jennifer]

Well, the great thing about staying in school is that your loans go back into deferement. Life is way too short to not enjoy it. The job market is really tough right now for everyone and I am glad to hear that you have ajob. Temping seems to be the right thing if you are unsure of your career path. Have you ever taken a career assessment to find out what your strengths are and what you excell at. I have to say that there is enjoyment in waking up and being able to do what you enjoy.

Stop the cutting, the short gain is not worth the long damage. There are better ways to deal with your stress/unhappenines and I am glad that you are talking about them. Let me know when you decide to stop cutting and find a career center near you to figure out what you want to do.

[kfaith1]

Wow, let me know when you stop cutting? Was that supposed to help this person? What steps should this person take towards stopping the cutting? I just don't see how that reply was any help to this person. But, it is a free forum and I guess you get what you pay for.

[Jennifer]