Feeling unwanted.

[Kristin_Michelle]

Hi, my name is Kristin, and I've been feeling depressed lately. I took the quiz on here to see if it truly was depression...and it says it is, and I believe it. I have not been officially diagnosed with depression, as I can't afford to go see any sort of doctor right now, but this is not right how I feel. I need some help.

I feel depressed because I feel unwanted. I have a few reasons why, which all add up to me feeling so worthless.

1)Work. I love my job, I really do. I teach dance 7 days a week. I love my students. I have some pain in the neck ones, but I love them as if they were my own blood. I have so much fun teaching that I don't even think about being worthless while I am in class. However, I don't feel much respect amongst the other staff. They talk to me friendly, and aren't rude, and ask my opinion, but I feel like they do it because they feel sorry for me.
See, we have a very elite competition company. Teachers have to be asked to choreograph group pieces. Well, I was asked this year to submit my ideas. I spent hours pouring out all of my concepts on paper and sending in my best ideas. Every single one was rejected. No one even said "Hey, I like that idea, but we're already doing something like that" or anything. Just "well, we decided to have you help the other teachers". Yeah. Help. They have me do this every year, but they are making it sound like it's a big responsibility this year. I am 'helping out' two of the teachers with their dances. They say it will be a joint effort, but I know it won't be. I will be a demonstrator in rehearsals and that's it. That's all they think I'm worth.
Last year, I did choreography for a bunch of kids for their solos, duos, and trios. It was a fantastic year, with a lot of my dances getting in the top 10 and even the top 5. However, due to kids dropping out of company for other activities, I lost EVERY SINGLE ONE. I'm not doing ANY competition choreography, and that makes me really sad. I know they didn't leave because of me, but I miss my dancers every single day and I wish I could work with them again.

2)School. I just graduated college in May with a Bachelors in Human Development and an Elementary Education teaching license. I've been applying for jobs like crazy...but I haven't gotten a single interview. I applied for over thirty jobs. Everyone has always encouraged me and told me what a great teacher I would make...and now I can't even get a job. What's wrong with me? I do everything right, I have a great resume, I'm enthusiastic, I love teaching...but no school wants me. My friend graduated at the same time as me, and she had a job before we even graduated. Granted, she's teaching dance at a high school, which is very specialized, and there were only three candidates, so she had a good chance in the first place. I feel like a failure because I can't get a job. I get asked on at least a weekly basis how the job hunt is going, and I have to hang my head and fight back tears while I tell them "I'm still working on it". School started this week for most schools. I pretty much missed the boat. I will be able to sub, but I won't have my own classroom.

The school issue is probably my biggest one...I'm pretty used to being treated the way I am at work, it's just a little worse this year. The school issue, however, is new and big. It's the reason I choose to sleep until I absolutely have to get up, often times sleeping until 2, getting up and going to work at 4.

I do have a third issue that contributes, but I'm pretty sure if the other two issues weren't there, I would be able to handle it a bit better.

3)Boyfriend. I have a longdistance boyfriend (300 miles) of 18 months. He is very special to me, and I love him dearly. We talk every single day at least twice a day, and he texts me throughout the day. When we get to be together, we have fun together, and we really enjoy each others' company. He's even talked (not recently, but a while back) about getting married and being together forever. Well, he has been going through a rough point in his life too, and that has affected our relationship. He isn't really happy yet with his life, and he can't really figure out why. He just hasn't found his happiness yet. Which I understand, and I've been here to support him through it. Yet sometimes I just get treated like crap...he doesn't call when he says he will because he's out drinking, he won't send me cards or little gifts like I send him, and he blows up at me when I bring issues up. I know it's not my fault. He is struggling with his life, he wants to be a better person, and he takes it out on me because he loves me. I help as much as I can, and it doesn't bother me that much.
One thing kinda does bother me, even though it's petty. He used to talk about getting married, what kind of ring I would get, when we would get married, who the best man would be...and...he doesn't talk about that anymore. It bothers me because I don't know if he doesn't want to get married to me anymore (why would he still be with me then?), or if it is just on the back burner. I have been starting to think he doesn't want me anymore just because I am not wanted anywhere else. I can usually logically talk myself out of it, but I still feel a little hurt by it.

I just want to feel wanted in the areas that I want to succeed in. I hate feeling invisible. It makes me so sad, and I feel like a failure because no one seems to notice my talents.

[Jennifer]

hey
first let me explain something about depression. There is the kind that some feels down from experiences/things in there life and/or there is clinical depression where there is a chemical imbalance in the brain whereas if you are upset about something, it sends a response from your brain and when you are clinically depressed, you cannot snap out of it and get further and further down. Medication helps balance this and if that is not describing you, then you do not have clinical depression, just down on yourself now.

Congrats on graduating that is an accomplishment in itself especially as it sounds as if you are busy with dancing. I know its hard to stay positive but you do have to remember that there is a 10% unemployment rate and schools have had to let teachers go that they employ and not allow ones back that are on leave not even mentioning hiring new ones, so that is not about you, it is the state of the economy and you will need to keep on sending those resumes out and keep on finding ways to stay positive and it will evenutally happen. You might want to try to find some social networking things that you can find out which schools are hiring and if you can get an in anywhere.

As far as your boyfriend goes, no it is not acceptable for him to treat you the way he has and the fact that you are down you are seeming to be okay with is ways with you and that is not the kind of relationship that is going to help you flourish and nuture yourself. When you are up to it, you are going to have to change your ways with him. He feels as if he can treat you this way because you feel down, when you stop feeling down, i'm sure you will find his behaviour unacceptable.

As far as dance goes, I can tell that you love what you do and for now that will have to be enough. Sounds as if where you work is very clicky and they probably pick the same people each year no matter how good there ideas are. You need to find solace in your group and yes you will recreate and more dancers and that will also help your mood.

we will start there

[Kristin_Michelle]

Okay, maybe I'm just feeling really down. My best friend finally talked me into getting help because she was very concerned about me. Maybe it's not depression, but I'm still uncharacteristically sad.

I realize that it's not easy to get a job right now, and I also realize there are a lot of experienced teachers coming into the district, so my chances aren't great. I am just doubting my schooling and abilities as a teacher. If I had gotten a few interviews but not a job yet, I would think it just wasn't my time yet. But I'm just worried that there's something wrong with me if no one even wants to interview me. I feel like a disappointment to my friends and family.

I know the way my boyfriend treats me isn't right, but I know it's not permanent. He wasn't always this way. He needs someone to support him and help him through this. Which is why I'm willing to endure it for a while.

I guess I'll have to find another way to be happy at work. Everyone keeps telling me iit's not my time yet, which makes me more frustrated.

Thanks for your time.

[Jennifer]

Sounds as if all 3 of these things have overloaded you and its okay be down when you are over loaded. I find it helpful to give myself a time frame of being "blue" say a week where i let myself be as upset as possbile, eat what I want, some even recommended doing this during the period time, watch movies, etc and let yourself be sad for all the frustrations in your life which are real by the way and once you do that, then its time to snap out of it and keep on moving forward.

Can you try to do some volunteering teaching such at an after school program, something to put on your resume? Its hard to go to work and feel unwanted, feel unwanted in your new career path and in your relationship. If you weren't depressed right now, there would be something really wrong with you.

And yes, therapy is always a good option to help boost your mood and give you the bump you need to move forward.

[Kristin_Michelle]

Okay, thank you. I've let myself be upset this entire summer over everything...I guess I just need to figure out how to cope.

[Jennifer]

you have to stop letting yourself be the punching bag for those that are around you. You have somehow rationalized that you are okay with your boyfriend treating you poorly and people at work treating you poorly because you don't like yourself much right now. If you got a teaching job would these people treat you better, with more respect? They should treat you that way now and you should not be okay with them treating you as they are. Saying that your boyfriend is going through things is fine, but you also said that he doesn't talk about mariage anymore and acts differently, those are changes and ones that should make you question what is really going on. How often do you two see each other?