Feeling hopeless and pathetic

[Camila]

I’ve suffered from depression since I was a teenager. I used to cut back then because I expected to get some kind of release but of course, it didn’t help. I stopped and ever since I haven’t had a way to cope with depression. I just bottle it up. I would usually talk to my younger brother about my problems, such as academic difficulties and being a closeted bisexual. Last year he was a senior in high school so he began applying to schools and I’m a community college student, so I applied to schools to transfer to. I ended up being rejected from both schools I applied to. It hurt because my parents expected me to transfer (I was 21 at the time) so I ended up lying to them and saying I wasn’t transferring because I didn’t receive enough financial aid. I’m a first generation college student, so my parents don’t really know how the application process works. My brother ended up getting accepted to a really prestigious school. He isn’t snobby and he never rubs it in my face, but it made me feel like crap, a disappointment for my parents and myself. Ever since he left, I've had no one. I feel like telling him my feelings will just bother him and distract him from his school work.

My GPA wasn’t stellar. It was 3.2 and so last year after I got rejected I worked harder to improve it and managed to get it up to a 3.4 and even made Dean’s List last two semesters. I really thought this would be my year to finally go away to school. I applied to three schools. One is a reach, one if was a match and one is a “safety.” Well, today I heard back from my match and I was waitlisted. It has been a big blow. I feel so horrible. I just want to cry but I’m not ready to tell my parents. My whole family is always asking questions so I’m always under a lot of pressure. This year has just been so difficult on me. At the beginning, my uncle died and I had to be the strong one for the family. I had no one to be there for me. I’m still not over it and just all the things that have happened to me have really brought me down this year. My semester is going horrible, I’m beginning to hate my friends, my job sucks, my parents are controlling and I’m trapped again in this stupid suburb for at least another year. I just don’t know what to do now. I’m trying to stay level headed and applying to two more schools that I still have time to and trying to get a new job but everything seems in vain. Everything always goes wrong in my life. I even tried to get God in my life again but it was stupid. I pray and pray and nothing ever comes of it. I always hear the same crap of “God only gives you what he knows you can handle” but I can’t handle all this crap anymore. My parents make me go to church every Sunday and it makes me all that more bitter towards my situation.

And no, I’ve never been to a doctor for my depression. My family is low-income so we can’t afford it. I just don’t know what to do this time around. Thank you for reading. Maybe you can provide some insight on how to approach my situation.

[Jennifer]

hey
i think you need to find a way to stop beating yourself up. i had a pretty low gpa when i was in college and i found my calling in therapy and kept on getting better and better grades to the point where i graduated with a 4.0 in my doctorate program. i am telling you this, because it doesn't really matter that you got rejected to a few schools and from what you tell me it is just a few schools, where you go to school doesn't matter as much as what you do there or in life.

you state that you used to talk to your brother, who do you talk to now? if nobody then that has to change. i'm sure you are not a bother to your brother and he would appreciate really knowing what is going on in your life.

i'm sure right now it seems as if everything is going wrong, but you have the power to change that and move forward how ever you choose. you do have that choice.

[Camila]

It's just difficult to be happy with myself when I have nothing to be proud of. I feel like I have no accomplishments and am just a waste of space. I want to already have freedom from my parents and be independent, have more of a social life and not have the constant pressure from my family asking what I want to study.

It's just... I placed all my remaining hopes on this year, on finally going away to school.. I didn't see myself staying here again. I don't know how to possibly move forward if I'm going to be stuck in the same situation.

I don't really talk to anyone now (about my problems). I know how everyone is about having depressed friends. No one wants them. I don't want people to think I'm acting depressed for attention or am overreacting. All my friends want to do is have fun, drink, smoke, skip class. I do none of that. I've tried so many things to not be depressed anymore. I got a pet, I got a new hobby, I joined a gym, I joined a club, I talked to my parents, I kept a journal, I went to church and prayed regularly, I set goals for myself, I did acts of kindness for others but nothing helps. I just have goals for myself that keep getting pushed back and back... I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I'm only ever happy when I'm not living my life. When I'm watching a TV show or a soccer game. An escape from reality.

I've tried to justify the things that happen to myself so I can get over it. I tell myself to not commit suicide because one more day won't hurt and I've got nothing to lose but now it does hurt and things can only get worse from here. Nothing ever goes right in my life and I'm tired of it. Right now the best thing I can think of to stay alive for is to watch the last Harry Potter movie and go to a soccer game between my two favorite European teams that are coming to America. How pathetic is that?

[Jennifer]

You state that this year was the year to make it happen, does that mean school? You are in school at a community collegecorrect? There are slidingscale therapy programs especially at universities that you could look into. Sounds as if going to talk to someone would be helpful for you. Your reasons for living might be pathetic to you but they are reasons and that is enenough for now. I'm hearing from your posts self esteem issues where you don't feel good about yourself which is different than depression.

Let's try something. One day this week pretend that you are the person you want to be. Forget the depression and self doubts and be someone else. Let me know who that person is and what happened that day.

[Camila]

Yes, school. I saw so many good things coming from going away to school. Finally moving out, continuing my education, meeting new people, dating without my parents looming over my back, joining clubs, taking new and exciting classes... I always try and expect the worse but this time I was really hoping for the best. I'd sit and day dream at night what my new life would be like; how it'd be a fresh start.

I've looked to see before if they offered anything, but they only offer "career counseling" and such.

I guess maybe self esteem issues is it. I've just wanted more from life than I got. I have no talents or skills nor am I intelligent. I just feel like I'm not going to amount to anything and I'm not going to have a decent job. I'm not going to get to travel the world like I want to. I'm just always going to be a loser.

I don't really know how to be a third person.. By that I mean that I am me, the one who doesn't want to live anymore and then there is the me others see. When I'm in class, with friends or working, I'm another person. I try to be confident, encouraging, funny, positive. It feels nice but once they're gone, I'm still the first me. The one who hasn't accomplished anything.

Also, I don't really go out much. I only go out if I have to. I'm only taking two classes this semester and I work 2-3 days a week. I spend a lot of time alone at home. I used to like doing photography but right now it's not warm enough yet (I get cold easily) and I'm shy about asking people to model for me. (I like to do portraits) I just in general don't go out much because my parents are really overprotective.

[Jennifer]

you, the first person is the one that can change. you look at all the negative in your life and I try to find exceptions to that. I need to know that you are not suicidial. if you are, then this is not the appropriate place for you to be, you need more help than this. if you were in front of me in a counseling session, i would have you look at the good in your life, seems you have trouble doing that. make a list of good things in your life.

[Camila]

Well, I guess there is definitely a lot of positive in my life. I just think that the negative aspects of it outweigh it. For example, I was able to save up money for my camera gear and such, but all of my material positives and some relationships seem... worthless compared to what I really want to be doing: and that's succeeding at life and getting the education I so desperately want. I am thankful my parents and family are all doing well right now and none of us are struggling financially despite the recession but again: education I want overshadows it. I feel like my life is a musical with no sound. Sure, a lot of things go fine and I have positives but it's missing the essential things.

I mean, I understand we can't always get what we want but I feel like I'm not being selfish in what I want. I just want to go away to school. I'm not mad over not getting into Yale or MIT.

As for suicidal. I don't know. I'm really torn. See, I want to live. There is a lot I want to do, goals I want to achieve but it just feels like every time I try to take a step forward towards them, they also take a step away, keeping the distance the same: still unattainable. Some days I just don't even want to get out of bed because it feels like: what's the point?

[Jennifer]

are you still waiting to hear back from any schools? you mentioned that you got wait listed from one, are there others that you still need to hear from. when will you be finished with community college? glad to hear that you have an interesting hobby in photographic work.

[Camila]

I'm waiting for two. One I don't really want to go to because it's local so I'd have to commute (I live in the DC area so traffic is horrible and gas prices are high) and my friends who attend said it has horrible parking. Also, most of their events aren't held at the school, but rather in DC. I'd still have the same problem of not having the freedom I want.

The second school I am waiting for is actually my dream school but the chances of getting in are probably 15%. The school has a really low admission rate. =(

I think I might end up applying to two other schools who still are accepting applications. I just didn't really want to apply there because they're in cities. I grew up in a village and then moved to the suburbs in Mexico and in the U.S. later so cities kind of scare me (a lot). Like I'm afraid of being mugged and such.

I just hate living at home a lot. I feel bad enough about myself but my parents always make it worse. Just today my Dad yelled at me for staying in my room a lot and not talking to them. I mean, what is there to talk about when my social life is nonexistent? We don't share anything in common. If I so much mention I'm depressed, he complains that he bought me a car, is paying my insurance, and stuff like that. Material stuff. He thinks me hanging out with my friends once a month is a lot.

Right now I feel numb about the whole situation (wait list) and try not to think about it but it's a problem I can't just forget.

[Jennifer]

would the wait list be for the fall? i'm not sure how moving away from home will change how you feel? if you are depressed and suffer from depression that will affect you no matter where you go, is it depression or just wanting to move forward with your life?

[Camila]

Yes, fall. I think moving away would let me start over. Start dating, doing new things, being more social. I've always just felt so trapped at home. For years now. This feeling is nothing new. The pain just got worse because of the wait list.

I just kind of see leaving for college as a one way ticket out of my personal hell. Maybe it's not but I try to think of it that way so I can have some kind of hope.

[Jennifer]

hope is good, changing locations doesn't change who you are, only you can do that.

[Camila]

Well, I feel like changing locations is the only way to change myself. I feel like being here, I'll just stay the same forever. I feel like... everything around me just builds who I am. If I change whats around me, I'll change me.

[Jennifer]

if you don't get into school can you look for a job in another city that interests you and still move?

[Camila]

I live in northern Virginia... Moving out would be too expensive, even with roommates. It's not like I can get a good job with no experience or degree.

I think you're right about needing more help than this. I just can't really afford it and I'm extremely skeptical. I feel that despite feeling like crap all the time, I still do my best in my daily life. I feel like I've just had a lot of bad luck that isn't going away.

Every day that passes by, I lose a little more hope and will power. I feel tired all the time and getting up in the morning feels pointless. The other night I had a dream I was dying. Like the seconds of realization that you're about to die. Everything started to black out, my body was feeling weak and falling. I mumbled help to someone who was there and almost immediately, my brain asked me why I was asking for help if all along I've wanted to die.

I feel so pathetic. I know my life isn't the worst and there are a ton of people dealing with problems way bigger than mine and I admire them. I don't know how they do it. I just wanna give up. I'm so tired of trying and trying and never getting a reward for my efforts.