Empty or Just Twisted

[technicallyhuman]

I've been urged to seek help by friends who fancy themselves amateur psychologists, but physically going to a therapist is sort of impossible for several reasons, financial and otherwise. I've never been interested in seeking help before, but I recently lost one of my best friends to my dysfunction, and that pisses me off.

I don't actually remember being happy. I know I was, because I remember writing down: "I am happy. I want to remember how this feels" but clearly I failed. I am intensely bored 90% the time. I've always attributed it to my ADD: can't really focus on anything unless hyper-focusing. But it’s been getting worse. Like I'm burnt out on life before I've really even started. I am 19, I moved out on my own recently with my boyfriend.

I have my highs and lows... highs when there's Something Going On that I can invest myself in. Suicidal boredom when there isn’t. I throw myself into anything that will make me feel human. Or feel at all. Unless there’s Something Going On I really only feel bored or angry most of the time. And I get angry about the smallest, most childish things.

Most of the people in my life I consider expendable, and I don’t really consider anyone a person like I should. Even as a small child I thought everyone else in the world was a supporting character. I think I even described them as robots - toys for me to play with. I might seem nice, but it's only to charm. I really do dislike people most of the time. Unless there is something immediately interesting going on with them, I really couldn't care less and they're kind of annoying. There are a few exceptions - my boyfriend right now I would actually die for, but most other people I'd be more likely to push into danger than take a bullet for.

I don’t have morals, really. I don't think I feel guilt - having committed a wrong, I am more concerned that no one find out it happened - or find out that it was my fault - than anything else. The only worry I have about wronging someone is the possibility that they will dislike me/abandon me because of it.

This fear of abandonment is not entirely unfounded: I find it very difficult to keep friends for any length of time, except for a few people.I change friends like clothes most of the time. I changed schools 8 times before graduating high school, then dropped out of college one month in. I haven't had too many jobs, but none have been for more than a few months. I've changed where I lived between my mother and father and school and my own place several times in the past few years. If I can't change my location or schedule or friends, I'll change my image, or change the major "issues" in my life - I have a collection of "traumatic" life experiences I can bring out when I feel they'll be interesting to myself and those around me.

I've self-diagnosed multiple times - blaming it on ADD, like I said before, or whatever disorder happened to catch my interest at the time. I've been trying to dig to the bottom of this for years. Stripped away everything about me that is essentially artificial and changeable, to find out who I really am and what is wrong with that foundation. But after disregarding everything about me that is fake, there is nothing left.

I could go on, but I'm sure this is already too long.

[Jennifer]

Hey
Sounds as if you are a product of too many years of therapy or listening to those budding therapists. So the question here is "where is the meaning in life?" sounds as if you have not found it yet for yourself but my question to you is where have you looked for it.

[technicallyhuman]

Curious as to what makes me sound like that... I don't really put stock in what any of them say - if their analysis of themselves or other people and things is on par with their analysis of me, then I have no reason to listen to them, hah.

My mother put me into therapy at 17, about a year after expressing the interest to (after finding out that I was cutting). Didn't happen until I got suicidal, though. I was there for a couple months and found it largely useless. I had a lot of stress in my life at the time and my therapist decided this was the reason for my problems and this is what needed fixing. Lacking any other problems concrete enough for her to want to talk about, I left "cured."

What do you mean by where have I looked for it? Where does one even begin looking for as vague a concept as meaning?

[Jennifer]

you sound intelligent, but restless and need to find a purpose in life other than what you have going on. I have been doing this for a long time and I can tell when someone has been placed in therapy especially as a kid or teenager. There is a way that they talk that makes then stand out to me. Not sure it is noticable ot

what makes you get up in the morning? One thing is for sure is that you need to stop using the diagnosises as an excuse for your behaviour. You choose how to act, not the other way around. You cannot blame your behavior on your add or any other diagnosis that you have been labled with in the past.

[technicallyhuman]

Interesting, as it was only maybe 4 months. Can't really ever remember not talking like I do.

I get up because I recognize that regardless of how much I don't want to, it's necessary. I have a job, I need to go to work to make money to pay rent and bills, and be able to eat.

I don't blame what I *do* on ADD (or anything else I may or may not have) so much as how I feel. I know that I'm completely in control of my actions. But that doesn't mean much, practically, when there are things going on subconsciously that control how I feel. I use any label that has been applied to me as a guide if anything, to figure out of what I'm feeling and thinking is valid or if I have to take a step back.

I know life is what you make it... but I really don't have the energy or motivation to make it anything. Occasionally I'll get bored enough to become destructive - that's how I lost that best friend of mine. It makes choosing how I want to act a bit more difficult when the only things I really want to do are hedonistic and occasionally sadistic.

I'm not really looking for how to take control of my life or live the way I want - I already know that's a bad idea. More like asking what I ought to be, or how to find any modicum of contentment in whatever life I'll have. I don't really have any long-term plans... nor do I desire them. I can't stick to one thing long enough. There's plenty of things I'd like to do, but I can't care long enough to do them.

[Jennifer]

Why do you believe that you push people away? and feel as if you are floating?

Only believe in the labels if you do, if you do not believe them and are just pasifying yourself then you need to start from scratch.

you said you live with your boyfriend, is he part of the reason you get up in the morning?

why do you think you turn evil (for lack of better words) seems as you are keeping yourself down.

you are at a point in your life such as you should be questioning life and life should be questioning you

[technicallyhuman]

[Jennifer]

you need more to do than just work a job. your mind is being wasted, you sound very intelligent and VERY bored with life as you should be because you are just floating through it, not actively engaging in it.

i know that you say that you lose interest, but maybe you just haven't found anything challenging enough yet.

glad to hear that you have a good support system in your boyfriend, makes all the difference in the world.

[technicallyhuman]

That might work, if I was focused enough to do anything else. I dropped out of school because I was so done with being a student and the whole system. And lately I haven't even been reading/writing like I always used to to keep my mind active. Which worries me. I've tried, but I can't focus.

I'm tempted to agree with you but I don't really like challenges. I like winning easily... I hate competition because I'm VERY competitive. It doesn't sound like it makes sense, but I guess since I had always understood everything immediately, anything that challenges me is just disheartening.

[Jennifer]

can't hurt to try. the giving up thing is an adhd thing meaning if you cannot exceed the best then don't do it at all. anybody would go beserk and start to self destruct if they do not keep there minds active. some more than others. not really talking about formal education that is up to you, just to keep your mind active and engaged for now.

[technicallyhuman]

Yes, but I don't know with what.

On one hand, this is how I am & always have been, but I seem to have gotten worse. I try to do the things I used to do to keep my mind active but it's all too much/doesn't hold my interest and I don't know what will.

I'm not happy not doing anything, but nothing I can think of to do appeals to me. I want to connect with other people but I don't care enough about 90% of what they say. Honestly, my saving grace right now is having a boyfriend to connect with physically (as rare as that is nowadays) and a friend at work who by a weird sort of tradition I have philosophical conversations with in the mid-afternoon slump.

I don't know what to think about anymore. Everything in my life is fairly stable, and that bores me to tears - sometimes literally. That seems backwards, but it's the way I always have been. I don't even have the energy to change anything to be more interesting at this point. After the last couple months, I'm fairly sure me making more drama would result in the loss of most all my friends and boyfriend.

And even when I did always read, always write, always think and challenge myself, I was still self-destructive. The only times (aside from certain periods of time with the boyfriend) I remember being satisfied is in the middle of self-destructive fiascos. Moreso in fiascos that are more destructive to others.

[Jennifer]

are you saying that you are resigned to being this way? that is your choice of course just as it is your choice to change, it is up to you. you do not need to bring anybody into this such as to create drama, but if you are not producting positive results seems as you will be producting negative ones, and who wants that.

[technicallyhuman]

Not at all. I'm completely open to change... but as I've tried everything I can think of, I'm not sure what else to do.

[Jennifer]

keep on trying