Don't know why...

[soalone]

Hi,

I'm a 23 year old graduate student and I am so depressed. I am an international student studying in the US.
First off, I am in love with a guy who has deceived me and I just can't get over it. Just a little under a year ago, he cheated on me and proposed to someone else, while we were dating. I felt so low, lower than a dog. The he came back a few months later, and I took him back. Soon after he told me that he had a brain tumor and cancer. So I had to put my feelings aside to be there for him. So every night I'm helping him through multiple seizures and my school work is drastically suffering.

Now to make matters worse, I was not able to get a job on campus this semester, so I cant pay my rent and other bills. This guy has a house but he doesn't want me to move in with him, but yet he is at my place every night so I can nurse him. He makes up all kind of excuses for why I can't move in, even says he will pay my rent, but I know he doesn't have the money, he can barely pay his own bills + medical bills.

I just don't know what to do! Everyone sees me on the outside and they think that I have it all together, but I don't, I don't! Everyone day I'm seconds away from stepping in the front of a bus or driving my vehicle off of the road. I just don't know why all of this is happening to me? Should I leave him, should I go back to my country and work for next to nothing and live in poverty? I always thought that I would be successful...but what is happening? I cant seem to break this curse.

I have no money to talk to a professional and I cant talk to my mother because I don't want to put any stress on her (she is practically a single mother). I need to talk to someone badly. I am so very tired of crying at night, wishing I don't wake up. I consider myself a Christian, but what do you do when you're tired of praying because nothing seems to happen. I really cant take much more of this!

[Jennifer]

Sounds as if your stress level has continued to grow over the last year and it has spiraled out of control. Bottom line, if he is offering to pay your bills, then take it, you are doing a service for him and it might help him to know that he is helping you.

You have to make a decision to help yourself and since you are a giver which means that you take care of others before you take care of yourself and it sounds as if you cannot afford to do that. Take care of yourself by giving yourself a break.