Don't know where to turn to

[wantingtoheal]

Hi, I so want to heal. I should have done this years ago. I found out my daughter was cutting herself, & she was sexually abused for years by my ex-husband son. I was inform that it was inappropiate touching nothing else, did press charges so did 2 other victims. I just found out it was more that just a touch. Really don't want to give details hoping you get the picture. She is getting help as we speak, she is in a program for kids. I need help too, don't know where to turn due to not enough money or insurance, I'm on a 2years waiting list for insurance. I'm thankful my daughter has insurance. I have swallowed a lot in my life and I'm seeing that I should have got help a long time ago if I did this would have never happen to my daughter. I feel like a horriable mother, how did I not see this. Because of my bad decision she went & is going thru this terriable thing. She lost her father when she was young about 3 years old, he hung himself, I found him, I'm so glad she was not with me, she was suppose to. I had a father that did sexual things to me and my siblings & I know I was effected by it, I was just trying to put it behind me but I know it is embedded in me, my insecurity, low self esteem, bad decision making, and now I just have so much anger and I have no interest in anything, I would be happy just to sleep and never get up. I don't want this because of my daughter, how terriable would that be if both her parents committed suicide. I want to heal because I don't want to pull her down after she has gotten help. I'm seeing how important to get help but don't know where to turn due to my situation. On top of finding this out I also lost my mom in Jan. whom I was very close to. I miss her so much. It does not seem real, I can't believe she is gone. Please can you direct me or any suggestion. I need help Please

[Jennifer]

I am so sorry to hear about your daugther and the loss of your mom. Hapy to hear she has insurance and is able to get the help that she needs. As far as your healing goes, you need to give me/us a place to start. You have every right to feel as you do right now and I'm glad to hear that you have such love for your daughter that you would not leave her. And is also sounds as if you are helping your daughter with everything you have and leaving nothing for yourself. Are you still goig throug the grieving process? did you go through it. What do you do to cope everyday? relive stress?

[wantingtoheal]

My grieving process not sure, it don't seem real to me than it hits me and I relieze that she is gone. I feel so much anger, I never felt this before. I just keep crying and crying and sleeping & just get lost in watching movies. I don't want to visit my step dad, I feel obligated to but I don't want to. I'm angry with him & I don't want to deal with going to the house without her there. When I go I expect her to come thru the door & she dosen't. He lives 3 hrs away & I just don't want to travel that far to be sad. My daughter is mad at me for not protecting her, I'm angry with myself. I messed her life up so bad with what happen to her, moving alot not giving her any stability. Went to a group meeting with her today and it just seems I really was not a good mom. I try to be but it is obvious that I was not successful. I can't even run my own life, how can I take care of someone else. My mom's death has actually made me feel like I have to grow up now. How stupid is that a forty something woman has to grow up because her mom is not around. You know the kicker of this whole thing is I want a relationship, I'm tired of being by myself, I'm afraid to be by myself. It has been 4 years since I've been with anyone, so tired of my life. I look at it and I've accomplish nothing but failures. It has to get better than this.

[Jennifer]

yes it does get better and you working through it with yourself and your daughter and even your mom will help you find yourself. its great that you are angry because that is an emotion and if you weren't feeling any then that would be more of a problem.

also good that you and your daughter are facing the problems now head on. you can dwell in the past and go over all the mistakes you made but its not going to change them and it has gotten you to this point so you can now work and change who you are. dwelling will keep you in the problem but you are not doing that you are dealing with things so kudos for you!

[wantingtoheal]

Thanks for those encouraging words. I so want this behind me and have a healthy relationship with my daughter & then after all is settle in that area it would be nice to have a healthy relationship with a man. I don't want no more unhealthy ones. The only secure relationship with any living thing I have is my dog, I get jealous when I feel that is threaten, how pathetic is that. I'm trying to do things like bike riding, swimming, & exercise. I do good starting it, it sticking to it. I always start off strong than just lose interest, then start up again after being down for awhile. It seems like a circle I can't get myself out of. I'm in this comfort zone that is just distructive for me & my daughter and I get so scare when I have to step out of my circle of routine but I hate it. Does that make any sense? I want to step out of this comfort zone but don't know how, fear of failing, getting hurt, & worst of all messing up my daughter's life more.

[Jennifer]

I am a strong believer in working on one thing at a time. it would seem you have enough to work on with your daughter and grieving your mom. it would seem that you are working on enough for now.