Don't know where I belong

marie4 · Joined: 22 Jul 2008 Posts: 15

Always dwelling on negative aspects of myself. i wish i could just accept myself the way I am. I find it very difficult to do. I'm feeling really bad because I enrolled in the master's program to pursue an MBA and I should feel blessed , happy all around grateful that I made it this far. I'm not. I said some pretty ugly things to my husband this morning telling him that he's the reason why I"m going to school and nothing else. I know I hurt him. I just don"t think I belong there. I really feel stupid. ALWays thinking and believing that I CAN'T DO ANYTHING. what's wrong with me? I just want to belong somewhere. I"M always stressing about school. I just wanted a break. I need abreak!!! I do I resent him for alot things and yes that's bad but I'm not him

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Okay, maybe you are on the wrong career path and you should be doing something else? Why did you decide to go to get your MBA? Do you even like business? And how does your husband fit into your idea of going back to school.

marie4 · Joined: 22 Jul 2008 Posts: 15

I never wanted to do business. I figured I could get into anything with a business management degree and figured just finish already. I have always loved music. I would like to do something that involves music. My husband.. He's always seemed to do and know what's best for the family. I guess that's why I resent him. I always seem to screw things up. He told me that I should out because it seemed like I wanted to be loser all my life without continuing m education. That hurt, but I know he was angry cause I wan't very nice with him either.

marie4 · Joined: 22 Jul 2008 Posts: 15

He said drop out. Just drop out Deb! That's what he said. You want to be aloser all your life? just do it! AHHH! It angers me just thinking about it.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

How much longer do you have? you could always do something with music with your business degree?

marie4 · Joined: 22 Jul 2008 Posts: 15

I have 2 yearsto finish. During those 2 years my husband is going to school to recieve his bachelor's in architectural engineering. If all goes well we'll be finishing together. His plan not mine.

Today I didn't go anywhere. I should have been doing homework that takes hours to do and i feel so horrible because I don't finish on time. Finding time to do it between my depression, being a mom, I don't meet any of the deadlines. I'm scarid of asking for help. I swear i create my own misery.

I'll try to finish up today and try to research jobs in music. Hopefully I fit in..

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

sounds like the resentment and lack of motivation is there because this is your husbands plan not your plan. I couldn't finish anything that I wasn't self motivated to do. you need to do for yourself to find peace. how long have you two been together? is this always the pattern?

marie4 · Joined: 22 Jul 2008 Posts: 15

We've known each other for 15 yrs. We've been married 10. He's a great guy, great husband and smetimes I think I don't deserve him.
yes it is a pattern that I believe I create. I am really considering dropping out right now. But I know it will be a great disappointment. I'm not happy. I'm just going through the motions of being in school.

marie4 · Joined: 22 Jul 2008 Posts: 15

I figure since I'm so weak about every aspect in my life, and the fact that I can never make a decision or a good one at that, he's the best one to make them. I'm not being fair to him.

I don't know I sound pathetic. I wish I could be more like him. Social outgoing, intellectual... We're just total opposites.

I try to be around him and his friends. He always wants me to tag along if and when we can find a sitter, and the times that we do I don't know how to be..

i feel uncomfortable, and stupid. Plus when and if I do engage in their conversations he cuts me off. That hurts... Bad

I just don't want to do anything. I just want to focus on my kids. But that's not fair either. i need to provide for them. that was the whole point of educating myself in the first place.

I don't know what to do..

marie4 · Joined: 22 Jul 2008 Posts: 15

I'm thinking of getting on meds again. This is when I start feeling more of a burden to him and the family because of this.

We are not working because we are going to school and leaving on loans. Not sure if that was a wise decision. Anyway if I get on meds , which are not cheap, I'm spending money we don't have...

Just adds to the depression... BUt I need help

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

you are for sure giving yourself a hard time. yes oppisites attract, but the strong attract the weak so they can feel better about themselves. sounds like your husband enjoys his role and you have accepted your role as well.

pindygal · Joined: 14 Jan 2009 Posts: 1

Don't give up on yourself, I feel the same way, my word's are worthless and not even worth hearing. I feel like climbing up on a mountain and screaming,, please, someone hear me!!!