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7elway6
Joined: 04 Apr 2009
Posts: 6
Location: Louisiana
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 Posted: Sun Apr 05, 2009 9:15 am Post subject: Don't know what to do |
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| Ever since i cheated on my wife, which she knows about i have had problems dealing with what i did to her and our 17 years of marriage we have been to counseling and have tried to work through it, but now she is looking for an apartment and seperation is unavoidable it seems. what i did has caused her great hurt mentally and has caused me in turn to slide into a state of mind that i can't figure out i find myself drinking and staying out all night because i am embarrsed of what i have done. |
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Jennifer
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Joined: 27 May 2007
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| Posted: Sun Apr 05, 2009 10:15 am Post subject: |
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| what led to the cheating? what did you work on in therapy? is she leaving because she wants to or because you cannot forgive yourself? |
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7elway6
Joined: 04 Apr 2009
Posts: 6
Location: Louisiana
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| Posted: Sun Apr 05, 2009 11:17 am Post subject: |
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| Jennifer wrote: | | what led to the cheating? what did you work on in therapy? is she leaving because she wants to or because you cannot forgive yourself? |
What led to the cheating was me feeling like i was not supported at home in anything and the person i cheated with seemed to be very supportive of me i realize now that my wife supported me 100 percent then and i blame myself for what i did.. In counseling we worked out the details of what happened with the other realtionship and worked on our communcation. things were going well it seemed until she started throwing the affair in my face again when we had any small issue, when she did that i just got were i would leave and not come back home until i had drank my feelings off, i have since stopped drinking and i am attending AA meetings regularly. She says she is moving out because i just need to be a free spirit per say and that i am not the kind to be married. |
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Jennifer
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| Posted: Sun Apr 05, 2009 8:05 pm Post subject: |
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an affair takes more than a couple of counseling sessions to deal with. whether its an affair or the bottle, you have given me at least two examples of you pulling away from her when times get tough for you in your relationship. Are you aware that you do this?
Based on your last comment, it doesn't sound as if she wants to go, but believes that you cannot follow through on the commitment it takes to make a relationship work. Do you have an addition problem? |
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7elway6
Joined: 04 Apr 2009
Posts: 6
Location: Louisiana
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| Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2009 3:42 am Post subject: |
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| Jennifer wrote: | an affair takes more than a couple of counseling sessions to deal with. whether its an affair or the bottle, you have given me at least two examples of you pulling away from her when times get tough for you in your relationship. Are you aware that you do this?
Based on your last comment, it doesn't sound as if she wants to go, but believes that you cannot follow through on the commitment it takes to make a relationship work. Do you have an addition problem? |
I am aware i do this and i do it anymore to avoid confrontation with her, we have both got to the point were we will say anything to hurt the other person, I do believe that this is the way i have avoided her in the past by running to the bar but i have not had a drink now in 2 months and it is not any better at home seems to have worse. The way i work 24 hour call i may have to be offshore for a month at a time and then only home maybe 1 or 2 days is wearing on this also. I have been working like this for 10 years now. I have made a statement latley to her about my job that is kind of bugging her as well, i have told her that i live in two diffrent worlds the one were i am alone offshore and the one when i am home with my family, i know she lives two diffrent worlds as well the one were she is home without me and the one were i am home. |
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Jennifer
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| Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2009 7:01 am Post subject: |
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what has led to the anger so much that everything is a fight? Confrontation is actually a good thing, it means you are still communicating, if there was silence, there would be trouble.
in these situations someone has to take the lead and it seems as if that someone is you. you need to make the effort to connect with her again. 2 months is not enough time to trust someone again and if your patterns have gone into a mode where you retreat when you are upset, then there will be another one.
Why do you want to stay with her? Do you have children? |
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7elway6
Joined: 04 Apr 2009
Posts: 6
Location: Louisiana
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| Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2009 9:41 am Post subject: |
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| Jennifer wrote: | what has led to the anger so much that everything is a fight? Confrontation is actually a good thing, it means you are still communicating, if there was silence, there would be trouble.
in these situations someone has to take the lead and it seems as if that someone is you. you need to make the effort to connect with her again. 2 months is not enough time to trust someone again and if your patterns have gone into a mode where you retreat when you are upset, then there will be another one.
Why do you want to stay with her? Do you have children? |
Yes we do have children one 17 and one 13, i think that when i leave and avoid fighting that it is better for them, i also know that it hurts them as well. I do love and care for her so much, and if letting her go is the best thing for her that is what i am willing to do. |
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Jennifer
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| Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2009 10:17 am Post subject: |
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| did she say that letting her go is the best thing for her? have you two grown too far apart that you cannot reconnect except for fighting? is counseling an option again for the two of you? |
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7elway6
Joined: 04 Apr 2009
Posts: 6
Location: Louisiana
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| Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2009 10:55 am Post subject: |
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| Jennifer wrote: | | did she say that letting her go is the best thing for her? have you two grown too far apart that you cannot reconnect except for fighting? is counseling an option again for the two of you? |
No what she has said is that she believes i am not one to be married. We do reconnect on alot of things but then old things are brought up and we are back to fighting about everything. we are going to start counseling again as soon as i get home, and give it one more shot at repairing our relationship. I think it is going to take individual as well as marriage counseling to make it work though. In the mean time i am having problems dealing with what i have done to ruin this realtionship and wonder if it can ever be repaired and i can ever forgive my-self for the hurt i have caused her. I think this is probally the real issue with me is why did i do the things i did. |
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Jennifer
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Joined: 27 May 2007
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| Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2009 1:56 pm Post subject: |
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| in the 17 years that you have been together, what else have you done besides the affair and the drinking? maybe online individual counseling will be a good option for you. |
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7elway6
Joined: 04 Apr 2009
Posts: 6
Location: Louisiana
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| Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2009 5:23 pm Post subject: |
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| Jennifer wrote: | | in the 17 years that you have been together, what else have you done besides the affair and the drinking? maybe online individual counseling will be a good option for you. |
Thats about it Jennifer by the way i am George.. Anyway i have done the usual things like go out with friends, and there have been a few times i did not come in all night before the affair but nothing that could not be worked through.. Other than that i was really controlling of her time. I dont know if this will help but i took the online depression quiz answered the questions honestly and was in the the mild/moderate range but yes i would be interrested in some online counsling seeing how i spend on the average 26 days a month offshore and really cant get to the counselor that regular, that is why i am on here. |
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Jennifer
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Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 2356
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| Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2009 5:50 pm Post subject: |
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this is just support, not counseling, you can check out our online sessions @ http://www.completecounselingsolutions.com/sessions.php
17 years is a long time to be with someone and there are a lot of ups and downs I am sure in that time. doesn't sound as if the brief counseling that you two did was enough for either of you and you both would benefit from more even to figure out if you are right for each other or not. |
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