Depression that Ive had for years......

Firebug · Joined: 08 Sep 2009 Posts: 5

Hi My name is Tara
I thought I would try here cause Im truly need help.
Where to begin I guess present situation.....
I feel I am in a negative place when I truly feel like a good person. I m shy I shell up inside. I dont have any friends. I do have a boyfriend who I told today that I was never in love with him, but I do love him. I love people in my own way by providing their needs. I never really help myself. I dont like to talk to people. I truly dont know how to love people.People are always asking me whats wrong with me, or they think Im angry. I do sleep alot and pretty much tired all the time. I went to the doctor to see if there was anything wrong with my body physically but all the results were good and nothing is wrong physically. So I relize that it is a mental thing. I guess Im just a really angry person because of my past and all that I have been through. And that past is very hard to let go. I would love to make friends and talk to people but I just dont know what to say. I realize that when I do talk I am a very negative person and pretty much only talk about the past.I dont ever talk about anything positive. I dont know how to love my boyfriend and the other important people in my life. Advice?
How do you really let go of the past and forgive people?
Thanks for taking the time to read this

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Sounds as if you are ready for a change in your life and that is a great thing. My theory on the past is that if it is causing harm in the present than it is not really in the past, but really an issue that you are dealing with in the present.

Sounds as if you push people away and you were trying to push your boyfriend away. Did you eventually tell him that you loved him? Do you know why you told him that you didn't?

Do you suffer from depression? I mean clinically depression because if you do that will need to be addressed. Have you felt this way before sleeping all day, etc etc and been able to get out of it on your own.

What do you do with your time? What are the positives in your life?

Lets start there.

Firebug · Joined: 08 Sep 2009 Posts: 5

I just wrote a bunch and them accidently erased it. ugh!!!!!!!!!
I guess alot of my past is my present
I love my boyfriend and yes I told him that. I am just not in love with him because as the days go by and everything that he tells me that is wrong with me is making me more and more depressed. To me it seems he has an anger problem truly doesnt want to be with me cause he packs his bags every week. He calls it " tough love."
I dont sleep all day. My boyfriend doesnt sleep at night. I like to go to bed around midnight and wake up around 10. But I think thats alot of sleep. I just wake up tired and walk throughout the day tired still from all that sleep. My boyfriend wakes me up throughout the night with his "tough love" speeches. I just dont wake up happy. I tell him if I dont make him happy why does he stay..... I just think he would be happy if he didnt have to share the things that I go through.
I use to go to therapy and was told I was just a very angry person and shove it deep down and even shocked the therapists that were working with me with my story of life. All they wanted me to do was to keep coming and talking about it. Never went on meds or label depressed.
I am an artist and usually put all my soul into that.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

It seems as if we attract people based on our mood and if you have been down/depressed then it would make sense that you would attract a negative tough love guy and maybe you two do need to split in order for you to change your ways.

As far as therapy goes, hate to say it but all therapists are not cut from the same cloth, but I am an advocate for change and it couldn't hurt you to try again if that is something that you are up too. My opinion is that you keep on trying until something works.

No you don't sleep much and it sounds as if you have a healthy sleeping habit to me, so no worries there.

What's with all the anger, what are you caring around that prevents you from being happy? Guess it helps with the artwork though, puts more meaning into it. Any other outlets to remove anger. It does need to be removed or else it becomes resentment than hate that never goes away.

Firebug · Joined: 08 Sep 2009 Posts: 5

Im just really hurt from the past. It a hurt I push very deep down.
Why am I mad....
I mad that I cant ever make someone truely love me that way a mother, father, daughter, boyfriend, friends, anybody.
Im mad I got hurt. I just feel like I cant truly forgive them.
Born of deaf parents which I think leads to my lack of communication. My father worked at the post office. He also was a pimp who would pimp out deaf girls at his work and friends. He had done it his whole life. Coming from poor parents he met my mother who came from rich family. So I grew up next to my grandparents and my mom sister family.At nine years old his friend gave him his daughter they said 18 year old at the time to my dad so this girl lived with us. There were lots of nasty events There was a lot of fights I couldnt understand how my whole family could sit there and let all of these awful things happen.Cover it up with money I could go on about this....
In high school I was doing good I played the violen, was an honor student heading to college. Then I was raped by my sister friend. Later that week busted my head.Then I was raped by my sister boyfriend high on drugs. I got pregnate.I was so scared I didnt tell anyone. Few weeks later I started to bleed and miscarry. Only this time I was not only miscarring I was also hemmoraging. I bleed all night. The first guy who raped me was stalking me and found me and saved my life by calling 911. My heart stopped a couple of times and I had lost alot of blood.Doctors said I would never have kids cause it would cause problems that I could die from. I was messed up from that night stumbling through life after that. The first guy who raped me then save me stalked me for years and still now. I had ending up putting him in jail but he still lingers from the shadows.I didnt date for a long time and had and still sexual issues. When I tried to move forward and start dating again. I went on a date, later that night it turned bad. Here I was getting rape again. I tried to get him off of me but he wouldnt and he got me pregnate too.
Few weeks later he cried and begged for me to have the child. I did and have a daughter with him. I never got over how my daughter came to be .
When She was born I poured my heart into her. I was with her every minute. Her father seemed to have changed and treated me well through that time. He begged me to marry him and I did. At the wedding party he had sex wiith his friends and it killed me to never trust him again. We were divorce We had a quick divorce which I messed up by signin it out of anger and not reading it he had taken my daughter away from me. I tried to fix the damage but it seemed hopeless. I started to focus on my art to make a living.When we went our seperate ways my daughter wanted to stay with him and not me. I gave her what she wanted. I felt she would have been unhappy if I forced her to be with me.

My early memory as a child is when my sister was burned. She was two I was three. I was playing with mom makeup and I looked at her she was climbing the sink. I went back into the closet where the makeup was. She got in the sink and turned the hot water. When I came out of the closet I saw she looked funny and ran to get my mom. She was sevevely burned. Well few years later I find out that she thinks I truely burned her. Broke my heart. I think she trys to go out of her way to make my life hard.
My mom Is handicapped and deaf and I take care of her. She cant drive so alot of days I go to her house and do what she needs me to o. She truly selfish woman. My dad getting old and trys to talk to me but its hard. I just avoid him.

Ive tried to go my seperate ways with my boyfriend. But he just got his daughter back and has nowhere to go he lives in my house and we work together as a business. So he said he wanted to jsut be roomates and friends. When I met him he was homeless and dying . I saved him by taking him to the doctors and giving him money to help him get better. Ended up building a life with him.He doesnt lie or cheat or did anything that those other people did. Just judgemental on where I comefrom, how I act, my past, lack of affection. I know I have problems but hes a daily reminder of that. Feel kinda stuck.
I try not to think of my past but my boyfriend always bringing everything up so heavy.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Well I can say that you have some things to be angry about, do you have anything to be positive about?

Firebug · Joined: 08 Sep 2009 Posts: 5

The positive things in life..... I am thankful for my health I am glad that there is nothing physically wrong with me.
Im glad that Im a great artist. I truely do put my heart and soul into my art. Ive very sucessful. Im into sculpture and there is alot of emotion in my work. I do alot of figure work and fantasy work. I kinda put my pain in those pieces, my dreams, my love, every emotion I do put in my work. I am dedicated to it. Ido have a house that is paid for, a car paid for and no credit bills. I think that in that realm I am truely blessed.
And most of all my daughter is a happy child. I see in her that she has hurt that her parents are not together and she wished different. But over all her father loves her and I love her and she knows that. Even her father wants me to come back but I just cant. I am glad that I am not a part of his life only her life. My boyfriend and his daughter try to convince her to live with us thinkin if I have my daughter that I will be happy again. I get her all summer and all the holidays and every weekends when she wants to come but I want her every day and that makes me sad but I am SO GLAD that she is overall happy playful, funny loves life, and very bright child. And I let her stay with her dad because that what she wants and I put her wants before mine.

Firebug · Joined: 08 Sep 2009 Posts: 5

So what outlets can I use to put my anger into?

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

sounds as if you have a lot to be happy/positive/thankful for. I know how your daughter was born but she seems to be a blessing for you and that is wonderful.

As far as outlets for anger goes, anger needs to come out of you whether it is in a healthy way or an unhealthy way. You need to choose the outlets because they need to fit for you, so you tell me how you can get the anger out??