Depression and Break-up Anxiety

[Casey]

Hello. My name is Casey Loufek. I have a history of depression and suicidal tendencies and although I am better than I have been it is affecting my life and I want to get it more under control. I am 26 and attending community college. I enjoy roleplaying games and computer programming. I am living in a house that is attempting to form as a co-op now and I do gardening and cleaning here trying to get it ready in exchange for free rent. My girlfriend and I recently split up, with a intention of getting back together if/when our lives are a bit more under control. A previous boyfriend of hers committed suicide after their break-up. She also has depression and a lot of mental scars from that experience. She loves me a lot and wants to be with me but I know that she is scared because of my issues and that we can't be in a healthy relationship while she is so afraid.

Obviously I am very stressed over this break up and want very much to be with her again. So for her sake and mine I am seeking help. I've been in therapy before and have found it mildly effective, mostly improving my ability to communicate with others. What I would like here is help getting my suicidal tendencies under control. Most of the time I can cope, and though sometimes I have longstanding suicidal urges these I feel more in control of... what scares me is when I'm already at the end of my rope and I get very suicidal over something minor and freak out. This has hurt my friends and lovers and caused me to feel embarrassed and ashamed when the feeling passes.

I also want help coping with this break-up. When she told me wasn't sure she wanted to be with me anymore I told her I really cared about her and that we had a lot of potential together. She said she just didn't have the energy to tackle even minor issues right now but she did want to be with me and that maybe in a few months we could try again. I know she means this, I also know she is scared of hurting me and worries about me becoming suicidal over this break-up. I sincerely believe that hope of being together again more than fear of my death motivated her to say “not now, but not nessicarily not ever” as opposed to a complete break. But fear did play a role. She has trouble telling me that is it my suicidal issues that concern her and her inability to communicate is a major obstacle. She has told me she want to be friends during this time and continue to talk about stuff.

I am trying to move on for now and focus on myself but it is very hard. I have recently come out of stressful period after an eviction that wasn't my fault and during that stressful time I had some suicidal moments that hurt her. I'd been looking forward to mending things during this time, but she is far too stressed still. So now my major source of anxiety is my relationship with her, which makes it hard to separate treating myself from my desire to be with her. What had caused me to feel suicidal before now was stress in finding a new place and job and the tension of living in close quarters at a friend's house in the meantime. I also went through a long suicidal period from a break-up with a previous girlfriend, something my current ex helped to bring me out of indirectly.

When I feel suicidal for long periods, it's usually because of relationship issues or long periods of stress. When I feel suicidal in an outburst it's because I am just over whelmed and something tips me over the edge, as I've said I usually regret this quickly after I've calmed down. I am not really suicidal at the moment, I'm not sure I would be able to say that if my ex said she didn't want to consider getting together again any more. After my break-up with my previous girlfriend I was scared to let someone become too central to my life and tried to keep some distance from my current ex. To a degree this helps but we were together long enough that that distance started to fade and I'd come to care very deeply for her and want her as my lover very much. I am stronger due to surviving previous suicidal bouts but I am not sure if I am strong enough. Though I do feel like I have better coping skills, I also feel drained by life and my break-up before this one still pains me greatly, though not to the point of being suicidal anymore. It's a balance of having better skills but also a greater weariness toward life and it's challenges.

What really hurts me is that she didn't talk about issues until it got to the break-up point. My last ex and I split up with out really trying to work on issues and it really scares me to think of it happening again. I could handle getting together again, working on things, and it not working out, but I desperately want a chance make this right. I love this girl and she loves me, that is certain. I know she is too stressed to be in a relationship with me right now and I need to be able to put her at ease by tackling my own issues. I reiterated to her that I'd prefer a clean break if she just want this over, and she still suggested this instead after I made my case for our relationship. I was not trying to beg or coerce her into anything, merely stating that we hadn't even really yet tried to confront these issues and we had a lot of good times. All things considered I genuinely feel this break is the best way of saving our relationship. I know fear and hope both played a role in her decision though and I am very scared of her changing her mind about wanting to be together again. The issues she brought up were largely minor ones that a little time and communication would likely solve... the trouble is the issue she doesn't bring up much is her fear of my suicidal tendencies.

She has asked me to go into therapy before but I have been hesitant because I have gotten extremely stressed out from simply trying to schedule therapy in the past. Nor has therapy been incredibly helpful to me in the past. I told her I needed time to get my life in order more than therapy. That was a couple months ago though and I have had that time, also online therapy will be more flexible. What really changed my mind was a friend of mine bringing up the suicidal bursts I'd had and I realized that this was something I really did want to work on and wasn't sure how to deal with on my own.

As I've said, it's very hard to separate my wanting to make things work with her and my wanting to work on my depression. They are separate things, but very closely related as this break-up is my major source of stress now and my suicidal tendencies played a role in the break-up. As far as other things go... the owner of the place I am staying is rather disorganized and desperately needs my help to get this place going, but I have trouble doing the cleaning that needs done when most of it is his old stuff that he needs to go through and he isn't very motivated to do so. Mostly this doesn't get to me personally though, it does however cause some stress.

I have tried numerous chemical means of managing my depression. I have taken St. John's Wort off and on but I have a fair complexion and it increases sun sensitivity, further I've heard it doesn't work as well for extended periods, so it is not a practical solution. It also is only of minor benefit. I was put on Serzone for awhile but it had no positive effects for me and I stopped. GABA has proved helpful in managing my anxieties (I also have social anxiety disorder) and Valerian Root helps me sleep and seems to benefit my mood in general. None of these however do the entire job and I doubt that any pharmaceutical or herbal aid can. As herbals have been at least as helpful to me as pharmaceuticals I have no real desire to see a psychiatrist for medication. I would however consider alterations or additions to my herbal regimen.

Though it is not currently a source of stress in my life I should mention that I am transgendered. I was born male and never truly identified that way, nor did I identify significantly with femininity. When I learned what hermaphrodite meant my immediate reaction was that that was what I wished I had been born as. When my family responded to this with confusion and shock I put it out of my mind. In fact for most of my adolescence I never really got that most people did identify with their birth sex and I thought my feelings were actually something universal that everyone suppressed. Later when I had transgendered friends I realized how important a person's gender could be to their identity and couldn't get over the feeling I was missing something. Since then I have transitioned to androgyne/genderqueer. I have been to therapy to discuss these issues and am low dosage hormone therapy. I am open about my gender identity and wear mixed male and female clothing. My family has been supportive now I am old enough to articulate my gender properly and my friends have been very understanding. My ex is bisexual (I am too for the record) and though it was new to her she has never had a problem with my gender and has been attracted to me for who I am.

[Jennifer]

Okay, glad that you were finally able to get all of that out.

Going to start with the most important issue and that is you. You start out saying that you and your girlfriend parted ways then go on to say how it tramatized you, then at the end you throw in your transgender, but doesn't affect you.

Suicide is a serious thing and I hope you know that and take it seriously. You cannot use therapy as a coping skill which it sounds as if you might have been doing. That is not a way to get people to do what you want nor it is safe to continually say that you are suicidial. At this point, does anybody believe you anymore when you say it?

What other coping skills do you have?

Sounds as if you have a nice living arrangement, besides your girlfriend, what other friends, support system do you have.

Please remember that this is not traditional therapy, we have that as you know but you have to pay for it. this is just a forum and yes I have a doctorate degree and help out in here, but if at anytime you actually do feel suicidial even closely I am going to stop you and have you seek more professional help for yourself.

[Casey]

I am not certain what you mean by using therapy as a coping skill but I don't think that's what I've been doing.

I am well aware that saying I am suicidal is not going to help and I know it has caused problems in many of my relationships, romantic and otherwise. It is not a matter of trying to get people to do what I want or even trying to get across how upset I am. It is that when I feel very overwhelmed I loose hope and think the worst... I'd like very much to not go through that, and even being able to hold it in so I am not stressing out those I care about would be an improvement. I can't say people don't believe me... it's probably best to say the reaction is a mixed one, knowing I've gotten through this is the past but still worrying I might carry through this time. I truly do not want to make people worry about me like that and don't feel I get any benefit out of these outbursts. It is not about controlling others, it's about being unable to control myself.

As far as other coping skills go, mostly I try to see friends, exercise, focus on things that I enjoy. I do have a support system but I sometimes feel like it's not enough. Like I don't have enough friends who have the time or I can't make them understand how I feel. They are very supportive but my issues can be intense. I understand how frustrating and scary it must be for them when I feel so overwhelmed that nothing can make things better and therefore nothing they can say helps much.

When I have suicidal tendencies for an extended period it is something I feel more in control of. That I can keep it from people when it would upset them and that at least I consistently feel my reasons for being suicidal are on some level reasonable. I'd like to not go through such a period again of course, but at least if I were to kill myself under those circumstances it would be something I had truly put thought into and had looked for alternatives.

What really troubles me and that I really feel I need to cope with better is getting so upset over something that will pass that for a few hours or days I feel totally suicidal and scare those I care about. I don't feel in control or rational during those moments, just hopeless, hurt and scared. Sometimes during the less intense of these outbursts I do feel the urge to fight it but I am still generally to upset to be able to think straight and so I desprately look for reasons to live, ways things will turn out better, but I simply can't make myself think clearly along those lines. Time will allow me to calm down but it is very scary feeling like I don't want to give in to the suicidal urges but cannot find a reason not too.

I think I've gotten fairly good at coping, except under these outbursts circumstances. The extended periods of depression do come less frequently for me now and seem more manageable. But the short outbursts still come and worry me a lot. I've haven't felt that way for over a month but it wasn't too uncommon when my living situation was up in the air. And it was really only during these moments that I felt suicidal during that period. Also it's not always suicidal tendencies that manifest... the same sort of hopeless logic led me to almost break-up with my now ex over a fairly minor thing, and caused similar issues in my friendships. Even if I don't feel like ending my life, I generally feel like ending something major and important to me because it seems hopeless.. and then the feeling passes and I feel terrible for making myself and others so upset over something so minor.

[Jennifer]

What is so intense about your outbursts?

What is so wrong with your life that you get overwelmed all the time? Whatever it is needs to change so you can find a balance

I said that you use suicide as a coping skill, but I hope that you do try other things first. People are not a good mode of coping skill because everybody has their own problems and are trying to deal with them.

You need to find ways to unstress way before you do, coping skills, enjoyable activities need to be a part of your everyday life.

So, when things come up it is not so life and death, it is okay, been there, know it is going to hurt, but I also know that I have gotten through the same stuff in the past and will get through this because even though you don't realize it, you do find a way to get through all of your situations without resorting to suicide.

[Casey]

[Jennifer]

i know that this statement might seem contradictory to what I have said, but having a support system, people that are truly there for you when you need them are the way to get through. people that have a reason to live do not think about suicide.

what are your reasons to live?

[Casey]

That does seem contradictory... the best I can make of that is that I do need people who are there for me (which I do have thankfully) but that I need more of a support system then just that. Part of the problem is that I have said, sometimes I just don't know what others could even do or say that would make me feel better and neither do they. Perhaps I can use this time where I am not going through such moments to try and figure out what it is that would give me the strength to hang on during them, I certainly can't figure that out while having such an episode.

What are my reasons to live? A major one is my friends, I do not have a large circle of friends but I care very deeply about the ones I have. Activities with friends are generally one of the high points of my life. Likewise, romantic relationships are also very important to me, part of why I have such trouble with break-ups. Those two combined are also why I keep close ties with my exes, loosing someone as a lover is very hard, but loosing them as a friend is much harder. Before I started dating, not having a romantic partner was a major factor of my depression. At this time I am feeling a bit more secure with the possibility that my ex and I may not get back together because I know she'll still be there as a friend and I realize and I am better at meeting new people than I have been. I still very much would like things to work out.

Outside of my friends and lovers, I enjoy computer programming and roleplaying games. I'm taking programming classes at school and working on an online roleplaying game project in my spare time. I also do enjoy gardening and have hopes for the place I am staying. The catch is, and this is rather odd because I am an introvert... most of these things hold meaning to me because of other people. I didn't have very many friends at all as a child and spent a lot of time with my computer. I spent a lot of time playing and altering computer games. I still enjoy computer games but at some point in my teens completely solitary activity began to seem very empty. Were I a hermit, the last person on earth, or otherwise completely isolated I doubt my will to live would hold out. Maybe as a reaction to so much time spent alone as child I have a very strong desire for what I do to have an impact on others. I enjoy making games, but they hold meaning because I'll get to play them with or at least share them with other people. The food and flowers I grow will be enjoyed by others as well. I greatly enjoy reading, but even more when I can talk to people who have read the same book and discuss things, the same goes for playing solitary computer games. I am an introvert and get very stressed if I don't have time to myself regularly, but I also get very depressed if I feel like most of what I'm doing only matters to and affects me.

As I have mentioned, I also have social anxiety disorder, and tend think people, even my friends, don't like me if I don't have reassurance to the contrary. It can be very hard for me to call a friend I haven't spoken to in awhile and I have to take care that I don't get out of touch with people and start feeling like they no longer want me around. I also have a lot of trouble going out to public places and meeting people unless I have friends with me.

[Jennifer]

Do you suffer from low self esteem or social anxiety? What you described sounds as if it is low self esteem. The support system is to know that even if you have a breakup or a bad day there are people out there that are here for you and not to call them up and unload because it is hard to do that all the time, just to know that they are there.

Sounds as if you are in a good place now and that is great! You do realize that you will always encounter bumps in the road when it comes to your life.

I will tell you a story that always sticks with me. I used to work in an ER and my fiance and I just broke up and I was heartbroken/sad/didn't want to get out of bed, but of course I did. Well, I went to work one day and I was asked to talk to a suicide attempt. Well, turns out her story was the exact same as mine, except one vital part, she had nobody. Her family turned on her and she put all of her effort into her relationship and shut everybody else out and when that ended she had nothing to live for (or so she thought)

Well, I was able to help her, but I helped myself even more because I realized that even as bad as I felt (and a broken heart is one of the most painful feelings) that i was going to be okay

When you are in a relationship, you still need to hold true to who you are and keep your support system in tact so if something does go wrong, then it is not the end and you still have people in your life.

[Casey]

Low-self esteem may be part of it, though I am honestly a lot better off in that area that I used to be. I've been managing to cope with the break up fairly well still. My ex has been fairly busy and stressed so I haven't had much chance to talk with her. I've been rather busy and stressed myself. I have a lot of homework at school and meanwhile am trying to get this place ready for people. The trouble is that the owner, Sand, is really disorganized. We had a girl who wanted to move in, and might still, but Sand wouldn't let her clean out the room she wanted (or any other) and hasn't really done much about doing it himself. He doesn't really seem to understand what needs to happen if he seriously want to get this place going and not have to deal with foreclosure. She did persuade him to rent a dumpster to clear out some of the stuff, but he has only done a bit toward that goal and I can't really do much about 95% of the stuff without him. Meanwhile as I said school has been a lot of work and both the power and internet have gone out repeatedly in the past week. I am rather overwhelmed but am holding out so far.

[Jennifer]

Glad to hear that you are holding your own. Just be aware if your stress level gets too high and you need to take a step back and recoup and slow down. You can only control what you do, not what others do that is why most people get frustrated.

you cannot make your boss/landlord do what he needs to do or change the way he is, he is making his own choices and you need to make your own. things work out the way they are supposed to and it is all a big learning lesson (that is at least what I believe)

[Casey]

I'm trying to not let the stress get to me but it's getting harder. Thankfully I finally get spring break next week.

Sometimes I find myself holding up pretty well but more and more I find myself breaking down and crying. I don't feel totally hopeless or suicidal but things are definitely getting harder. I was out late after class yesterday and apparently a raccoon came in and got into the catfood. He got really upset that the door to the room with catfood was open at night and that there was catfood in the bowls at night. The raccoon can get in through the catdoor you see. Of course I had left during the day and had previously been asked to make sure the cats were fed during the day and he had opened that door to increase air flow in the day. When I left he was home and awake, but apparently he fell asleep upstairs. He told me he wanted me to leave, then immediately backed down. He also apparently dumped the catfood bags on to the floor. I'm okay with dealing with these things most of the time since I'm downstairs more often but I can't see how I can be blamed for things that happened when I wasn't there and had done what seemed reasonable. He has also gotten upset at me for doors being left open when he left them open and I hadn't even been in that part of the house lately.

I'm still managing to cope with the break-up decently, though I find myself feeling sad and missing her and previous exes a lot. I was doing better for a bit but it's hard to distract myself with so much other stress.

[Jennifer]

people sometimes blame others because they cannot deal with the fact that they are wrong themselves and you are an easy target because you are available and you are sensitive.

shake the racoons off and kudos for you to be aware of your stress level increasing. hopefully spring break will give you a break and you can relax.

It came to my attention that you have your full name on this forum. If that worries you, that people can google you and read what you are writing, you can go in and change your username as a precaution for your safety.

[Casey]

Hmm hadn't really thought of people searching my name. I don't see to be able to change my user name though.

Things are going decently. I saw my friends a lot the past few days. I saw my ex for a bit yesterday, she seemed to be doing okay and we talked a bit, just catching up. Nothing amazing or terrible. Some of my friends were supposed to come over today but wound up not having time. It's got me rather down even though early today I was feeling a bit tired of being around people and I know they'll come by sometime soon. I'm not seriously depressed about it, I'm just surprised at how much it upset me.

Hopefully I can destress some over spring break and things won't get to me so much.

[Jennifer]

sounds good, email me directly @ jennifer@completecounselingsolutions.com if you want to change your user name.

[Casey]

I'm not worried about the username honsetly but I suppose I'll send you a mail about it just in case.

*sigh* I don't really know what to do anymore. So many things are just overwhelming and I was doing better for awhile but now I find myself crying a lot and missing her and worrying about her.

My living situation hasn't improved. The owner said he was going to post an ad for the place on craigslist for like a week straight without doing it. I asked him if he wanted me to, somewhat cautiously since he had previously ASKED me to place an ad for him and then freaked out for no real reason and asked me to take it down quite upset a few days later. Sure enough this time he told me to go ahead and put it up and was happy about that until we got replies and he had to deal with people at which point he told me to take it down. He says he wants to get this place going and is really concerned about having people who feel the same, but he has so many false preconceived ideas about what sort of people will and won't work and how to attract/discourage them that it seems like he isn't really serious or he would reconsider an approach that obviously isn't working and any rational person would realize probably never will. I know it's best for me just to not care, I don't have to pay rent here as is and I've done all I can to try and ensure this place is functional and can continue. For all his talk about worrying about the wrong sort of people he himself seems to be the biggest obstacle. He's talked of selling the place to someone with similair goals as a last resort but frankly at this point it seems preferable to having him running things. Don't get me wrong he's a nice guy and he has good ideals but can't run his own life much less a co-op. He also tends to lash out at me when he isn't doing as well as he wants, things like the racoon incident. 9/10 times though he'll start ranting about something that isn't even true and I will point out that I in fact had nothing to do with his current problem and just sort of walks off quietly after apologizing.

School has been difficult just do to all the rest of my stress but I think I can manage. I still have a lot of back work, but nothing hard, just haven't been able to focus on it. If I can find the energy to focus it will probably be a good distraction.

I did find a part job recently which reduces most of my finical worries. This was one of the major things I wanted to deal with since I had time to focus on it and if my ex and I do get back together I would like to have money for doing fun things with her.

I wish I could say she was doing well at getting herself in order. She has been really stressed lately. It really worries me since I don't really understand it. Her living situation is more stable, she has a job, she hasn't had to deal with any stress from our relationship, she seems to have some time for her own things. But instead of getting better she seems to be doing worse. I don't see her much because she is busy with work but when I do she seems to be falling apart half the time and I know she has been freaking out a lot. I love her a lot and I am worried. When I met her she was really happy, though she told me hadn't always been. When things got rougher she didn't cope perfectly but neither did I, and I thought once things smoothed out she'd easily go back to being happy. Instead even after I found a new place and got back in school and she had her finances in order she was still upset. And now since we've broken up she has gotten worse, not better in the past weeks. Work has kept her busy but she took the schedule cause she needs the money. I wish I knew why she was doing so poorly or something I could do to help her. Sometimes I feel like it's my fault for not being there more for her but this is what she said she wanted, and sometimes I feel like maybe she'd be better if I just disappeared from her life altogether.