Depressed and thinking up analogies.

[InterRage]

26 years old, living in parents house. Been here forever.

I cant stand living in this house any more.
people wanting to kill me cause I'm not with it.
and then people wanting to kill me cause I am with it.
I say "kill me", cause I woke up seeing someone I know, standing over me with a glass
jar, and when I said something, they walked away. The only reason why I could
think this is because I was hanging out with some other person, drinking and having fun. One of the very very few times that I do try to have fun since my past time is to punish myself.
Something messed up is going on.
The way I see it, people get like that when you try to be friends with their friends
and somehow they think I'm fazing them out.
This stare I get, like "you're a piece of shit, why are you hanging
out with them?" sort of look. From this other person who I thought I could confide in.
Fuck this house, and fuck everybody in it.
My brother strangles me saying I'm going to kill you cause I said
something about him not supporting me when I asked for some advice.
yea, I suppose it's my own fault cause of who I am.
Oh yes, that is good. These people wont allow me to live but on the other
hand they'll allow me to live and suffer for their benefit.
Fuck this house.
This house is full of bullshit.
No wonder I'm so fucked up. I'm living with hypocrisy every day.
With no end in sight. Nothing but bullshit day after day, living day in
and day out full of shit. No wonder I have "shit" themed dreams, cause
it's all bullshit, and it's the same bullshit.
I can't confide in people cause then they'll turn it on me.
This must be how it is every day everywhere else. It's the same crap.
Only thing is, is if I move out, I'll be alone with all my thoughts
without having friends no one who I can confide in and try to better
myself, only to have my attention turned to how they'll fuck me just
to see me squirm. Why the Goddamn hell does this happen? Why? when I feel
like I have established some sort of connection with people, they wanna
bring me down. It's like this story I read about crabs in a bucket,
if one tries to get out, the other crabs grab him and bring him back down.

I gotta get out of here. Something new. Somewhere better.
Where I don't have the pain of my childhood and the pain of the people
who apparently love me but want to see me suffer.
The pain of living where nobody knows me.

I think I'm trapped though. I'm damaged. I have so many personal problems,
that they spill into my everyday life. So if I move away, the same
problems I have here will carry over wherever I go.
I quit most of my jobs over the same thing. Not being able to cope.
I really am trapped.

I've been reading this and that about depression, anxiety, behavior disorders, everything I could think of or get a hold of to learn about myself, and I'm such a dumbass, I start believing what I read to be true about myself. "Oh? I have this? I have that? this must be what's screwing me up, and this too" and on and on it goes.
I could try to figure this stuff out, but I believe that I am so confused that I wouldn't know the truth if it ran me over.

and as I type this now, I feel so stupid for actually typing this.
I know what it means when I do that, and so, the guilt builds.

Natural selection, I just wasn't born strong and therefore I blame my parents, but that would be wrong and so I blame natural selection.
Funny eh? I bet not. Still, as inappropriate as this sounds I do use this to try and convince myself to suicide.

So tiring to type like this. Yet, this is what I need to do to better myself.

-Long pause- (contemplating posting this)

[Jennifer]

What are you still doing at your parents house? What are your other options??