DEPRESSED

[B1987]

This is going to be a long story...i've been with the same guy for 5 years now and we don't seem to get along almost ever . we fight alot and have had some much to go through, my big 21 is coming up in a couple of weeks but i'm not even excited about it. Let me see where do i start. He and i met through friends and didn't start dating until 2 years later, my mom didn't like him but i didn't care, we had a beautiful daughter and she's almost 4. We also had a little boy, he died at 2.5 mths from SIDS, which i'm still trying to deal with, my mom and i don't talk we haven't had a relationship for years now, and when i called to tell her about our son dying (which i thought was the right thing to do, and regret now) she started harrassing us and this was all right before christmas. she wouldn't leave it alone and stop bugging us then she called the cops on my bf and said he was threatening her....he turned himself in a went through a year of court over all of this, she even wrote a obituary without our names in it, just her family and she didn't even care if she met our son, she even went as far as going to the Coroner's office and seeing our dead baby. Which really made me mad, i didn't feel like she deserved to see him, she didn't want to when he was alive. Why now? It was the most devestating thing i've ever had to deal with. It seems to me that every time life starts getting good, it all comes crashing down on you!!!!! I HATE IT!!! So then this past June we find out we're having another baby, although it wasn't planned we were happy about it, although we'd have our moments about it. We go into the doctor's at 13 weeks prego and find out the baby died and i had a missed miscarriage. Had to go through surgery 2 days later to get the baby out.
He and i have been through court, jail (him), my mom, dead kids and really crappy houses. You'd think we'd stick together but we fight so much, if we didn't love each other this would've never worked in a million years. I'm so sick of fighting, some days i wish i would get hit by a car im so upset, i would never kill myself due to being afraid to actually do it but sometimes i just wish i'd be the next horrible thing that happened so i wouldn't have to deal with it. I'm so sick of it. I hate that we fight and alot of the reason is because i'm depressed about other things and i take it out on him and then he gets really angry and things escalate. i just dunno what to do anymore. Need someone to talk to, maybe who has the same feelings as me about life. Cuz right now LIFE SUX!!!

[B1987]

Our son Died in 2006 just before christmas, i feel like someone is telling us we shouldn't have more kids and what i don't understand is how people who don't deserve to have kids because they're bad parents get all they want, it's the good people who suffer!!!!!!!

[Jennifer]

oh where to start. firstly, am sorry for your losses and how you are feeling. Hopefully we can do something to help you. I think a good place to start is with you and how you are feeling. You are no good to anyone if you are not well and it sounds like you are not. what have you been doing to help yourself through all of this?

[B1987]

well i've been working and taking care of my family, taking one day at a time. I'm just sick of fighting with my husband, it sometimes seems like that's all we do. And yes i'm am depressed, i know that it's just hard when your scared to get happy because everytime you do something bad happens. I know that how our life works. But i don't want to be like that anymore, i'm the one in the family who has a full time job, my husband doesn't work much because we don't have a babysitter and i have a great job, i'm the supervisor for an Outreach program. The only reason we're not going to counsiling is because we live in the middle of no where and the closest place is 2 hrs away. I thought i'd try this and maybe it could help me with ME and My Relationship. My job seems to be my only escape these days, i love it, it's the one thing that always makes me happy. And i think my husband feels like i feel like it's more important than him and our problems. Which is not totally true but i know i do know that it's easier to escape sometimes than to deal with your problems. I just need some counsiling to make me back to what i used to be and make our relationship better for us and our daughter. Maybe just talking to someone will help me/us. I'm having an okay day today.....but i'm definetley not always like that.

[Jennifer]

For a woman who is depressed, you have a very positive outlook on life. which is a good thing. where do you get all the energy to fight because it takes a lot of energy.
Sounds like you have a great job and your husband does not. Is it his choice to stay at home with the kids?

What do you two fight over? What are the main problems.

[B1987]

LOL I have my good days and my bad days i guess. On my good days life is good and on my bad it really sux. i'll go from really happy to really down in no time.
I wouldn't say it's his "choice" but he doesn't mind staying at home, we both had jobs and then his mom moved out of town and we lost a babysitter, it's such a small town and people aren't really trust worthy when it comes to kids. So he quit his job so that i could keep mine, which may cause a few issues between us but not really, he's okay with being at home, he does some work, to pay our rent because our landlord needs work done on our house.
As for the fighting, sometimes it's money, sometimes it's just i get cranky and we snap at each other and it turns into this huge fight where we're both yelling at each other about our faults. I hate his anger and he hates my bitchyness. So we just end up clashing and can't calm down and it goes way out of control. I think it's stupid i mean if we're going to fight we may as well be fighting about something important, not stupid stuff. It just gets out of hand. I need to learn how to control myself and calm down when i start feeling angry at him. I know most of the time it's not even him making me angry, it's just a bad day, i'm thinking about the kids we lost and how this stuff could keep happening etc. And then i just snap at him and don't realize that i'm upset about something else. He tells me often that what happens in our fights isn't all my fault but the reason it started is all my fault. And sometimes he calls me names, not to say i've never done it but it comes out of his mouth alot more. We really do love eachother, and both of us want to be together but don't want it to be this way anymore.
He's an angry person sometimes too. It's not just me but i think that he handles the things that have happened in our life alot easier than i do. I don't care about the material things or having lots of money as long as we have what we need, i care about the bad luck and the emotionally devestating things that we go through. That's what i struggle with. I don't think it's fair. We're good people and i guess good people finish last!

Thanks for listening, it's nice to have someone to talk to

[B1987]

I have alot easier time helping other people and giving advice to them than i do helping myself. I wish i could help myself the way i know i can help others.

[Jennifer]

agreed I have gotten myself into trouble in the past from giving to others and not giving to myself. it leads to burnout.

I have a phrase, when you say yes to other, you say no to yourself.

your kids need you to be selfish and take care of yourself so you can take care of the.

[B1987]

ya i know, i'm thinking about going on anti-depressants again. They worked for me before but i also want to work on myself through therapy, i don't want to depend on those pills to make me happy, i want to be able to be happy whether i'm on them or not. They just might help me get there. I just want me and my husband to have a better relationship together, because we both do want to be together forever, just not in the way we're doing it now. I'm going to try to take better care of myself and family, not worry so much about other peoples problems. I hope i can continue to talk to you and try to help myself, even just talking to you has made me feel a little better already. I mean i can talk to my friends but can't always tell them everything about my relationship and i've learned that family and friends don't want to always hear you complaining about your man.

Trying to get better, thanks

[Jennifer]

Did you get on the medication??

[B1987]

No i didn't, and things are just getting worse, we got in a huge fight the other day and i was scared for my life, we talked and we're going to make an appointment to go to counsilling on the 15th. If we can't work this stuff out soon then i think we're going to seperate. But we both want to give it an honest try before we call it quits. The fight was over something stupid and it turned into this huge thing. We're both sick of the way things are going and we dont want to do it anymore, so hopefully we can go to counsilling and things will get better. Today is my birthday, which was also my son's bday. It makes it really hard when you share a birthday with someone you loved more than anything that died. I don't think i'll ever enjoy my birthday again. I'd like to get on the meds but i need to go to the doctor and our car isn't in very good condition and the closed big town that has doctor's and stuff is and hour and a half away. I love this town but i hate that we don't have the convieniece of stores, doctors and counsillors here. i'm feeling really sad today. i miss my son. Some days i just wish i would die so i could see him again. But i guess my day will come when it's supposed to. The fact that we had a misscarriage makes me miss him even more, and the one we could have had. Life really sux sometimes.

[Jennifer]

I am glad to hear that you are both motivated to get help. are you driving hour and half for counseling? why not try online counseling?

it sounds like you both have been through a lot together and seperately and the healing has not happened between you two.

I see your point for your birthday and wanting to be with him, but am glad that you realize that you are not ready. it is okay to be sad, actually healthy under the circumstances.

let me know how therapy goes.

[B1987]

Hi,
Uh sometimes life is so full of crap you feel it's not worth it. This morning he wanted to say something to me and decided not to so he says nevermind, and i was like what were you going to say? Being nice, and he knows i hate it when someone is just like nevermind.....then he just gets mad at me, starts yelling at me about me losing control, and i just looked at him and said that he was the one losing control i wasn't even yelling at him.Then he says "are you ever going to change?" Without answering him i left because i felt like that was a pointless question and the littlest things he says that to me like i'm not trying at all, and i don't feel that way. So i walk to work and he texts me saying and i quote : [i][b]"Thanks for fucking answering me, the worst part is the last two nights you even woke up and were rude to me for no reason (which i don't remember doing i was asleep) and you wonder why i get like this, so make up your mind by tonight when you come home if you can even change and want to do this because you don't fucking show any signs of trying so fuck this shit. So what i'm saying is the only way i'm working on this or sticking around is if you show me that you want me to stay and that you mean what you say. You just keep promising but no action. I'm not mad but done ok. So have a good day and think about it real hard."[/b][/i] so i don't know what to do. if i just tell him that i mean it he's going to be like that's not good enough. I honestly don't think that it's all me. He's a very angry person. what do i do???? please help me

[B1987]

oh and the only way we can do actual online cousilling is if i had a credit card and we don't

[Jennifer]

a lot of times in relationships one person has to make the effort to fix things. when things get as bad as your relationship, neither person thinks it should be them that makes the effort.

one person is going to have to make the effort at first, and it seems like it is going to have to be you, if not for your relationship, then for yourself.

as far as online you could use paypal if you choose to take it directly out of your account or get a prepaid creditcard.

it sounds like he wants you to start caring and you want him to make the effort. regardless, the hurt has got to stop for both of you.