Confused, Troubled, All of the Above

[3y3CaNdI]

[size=9]Im running out of options, I have 2 therapist that I cant talk to about anything I actually need to. I get nothing from my sessions and need some help. Any suggestions are helpful.

Im 20 years old, a mommy, with 2 jobs, community service, counsling appointments 4-5 a mon. parenting classes, etc.
The stress of having to manage working 7 days a week with everything else on top is TOO much! I cant cut down on any of it because well, I just cant. I have too make all of my appts., and I have to work to pay the bills.

On top of all of that..

Almost a year ago, my daughter was taken from me by CPS. They took her due to an unexplained injury to her leg. Since then, life has went down/up hill from there. My fiance' and I have managed to keep our relationship going, he has her now, and im getting closer day by day to getting custody returned to me. He got her about 7 mons. ago, and since a year ago, my family went from being perfect, to extremely broken. My relationship is still hanging on, but barely. We've been engaged for a little over a year now, but it seems like since he has her, we've become more friends than anything. We get to see each-other at most 2x a week, for 2-4 hours (for longer than 5 minutes). I love him very much, I want my family back, and as a whole. But im not sure how to even start going about putting the broken pieces of our relationship back together. We get along, everything awesome, but the feeling just doesnt seem to be coming back and it's very depressing. This is the father of my child, I love him, I want things to go back to the way they were, but I cant seem to make myself fall "back in love?" with him.

The seperation between us is awful, I hate to be alone. Espically after so long of having someone always there.

On the side note, I see a therapist regularly, (2 actually) but cant talk to her about much because she is court ordered and has to tell them everything I say.

I also seem to have these issues with constantly over anazlyzing people/things, I always look for flaws, then try and figure out why.
It's really starting to bother me and people often think im intimidating, because of my honesty. Im very defensive, negative thinker (I assume the worst so that when things go well im not dissapointed) and possibly have some control issues. All of which things I would like to change about my self but cant even think of how to start.

I have friends with issues, or somehow disturbed in some way. I always seem to feel the need to fix everyone elses problems. I always seem to rely on them to have a bigger issue than mine day to day, because it makes me feel better to help them and push my problems aside.


I dont know, I could use some advice though.

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[Jennifer]

Hey
Sorry to hear that you cannot connect with your therapist or even one to talk about these things. I have done court ordered therapy before and still have been able to help the person with there own issues. Is it your feeling as if you cannot connect or fear that they will use what you say against you.

Is your fiance the father of your child? Does he go to therapy with you? If he doesn't, might be a good idea for him to go and for you two to find a way to reconnect. Is he supportive of you?

Not sure your feelings are friendship or distance from the fact he has your daughter. where are you in the process of getting her back.

not going to address your other traits right now because there is too much to deal with in this situation. you are rightly over loaded and need to get through this. once this is over you can work on improving yourself, but sounds as if you are just trying to survive at the moment.

[3y3CaNdI]

First off, I had court yesterday. Due to the unexplained injury(they assumed that me not knowing what happened meant I must have been lying) So they pressed felony child abuse charges on me. Taking this to trial could have taken another year 1/2 to get through just to prove my innocence. They offered me a plea (misdemeanor child abuse) and I took it because the pending charges weren't helping the DSS (Social Services) matter. The sooner that ended the sooner I get my daughter back. With the plea I got 2 years of supervised probation, 72 hours of community service, and over $700 in fines + $30 a mon. for probation fee's. All for something I didn't do, which I will be paying for, for the rest of my life, like on every background check for any job I try and apply for. I wanted to be a teacher, but now will never be able to have a job working with children. All of which is very depressing to me, I love children.

As far as not being able to talk to my therapist goes. 1 is a family counselor who is there to help us with the transition of becoming a family again and only meets with the 3 of us. The other is a private counselor with our mental health office, she is obligated and must tell them my diagnosis, and status. She doesn't have to tell them everything I say unless she thinks it's relevant to my case. So for instance, occasionally I feel really down and feel like driving my car off a bridge, or swerving a little too far to the left while driving, (I would never, my daughter needs me, but I do feel suicidal at times) I go tell her about it she says I'm suicidal, and then DSS(Social Services) says It's not safe for me too be alone with my daughter. When the only reason I feel this way is due to the situation. So I cant tell her everything, or anything, because nothing is confidential.

When I was 13ish I was diagnosed Manic Depressant, they did not re-diagnose me with it again, but seeing the definition and reading about it makes me think I might be again. I have a lot of ups and downs, I know all of the downs are due to the stresses of my life, but I feel very up sometimes and 1 little minor thing makes me very down. It's a quick change. I'm very irritable all of the time, I hate happy people, I seem to only want to be around people equally as miserable as I am. Before probation, dealing with my hectic schedule was getting too much for me, it was making me miserable trying to juggle visitation and 2 jobs, along with my apts. 1x a week plus 2 additional ones a mon. Now on top of all of that I have to find somewhere to fit in community service. It's practically impossible for my jobs to work with my schedule now, I'm surprised the one hasnt just taken me off the schedule completely. With the way things are with the economy, having to work even less (I work there now 3 days a week) Im afraid there going to fire me, and I wont be able to find another job who can work with me through all of this.

As of now in my civil case this will have going on for about a year as of march. I have taken numerous parenting classes, psychological exams, lie detector tests (Which are not admissible in court), jumped through every hoop they've asked me too, and then some. I've shown them im a good mother who loves my child more than anything.

I see her Tuesdays and Fridays 9-1 at DSS, Saturdays 2 hour supervised(by someone I choose that was approved by DSS) then 2 hours supervised by my fiance'. An additional 4 hours a week(2 & 2) on which ever days my work schedule allows.

My Fiance' is very supportive of me, he knows I didn't do anything wrong and would never hurt her. I can not see him in person though when he has Nina except for on the days of my visitation. So a total of 8 hours a week, out of that time my focus is entirely on my daughter. He is my 2nd concern when it comes to this situation. Before this, we literally had the perfect family. We lived with my mother, didn't fight, didn't argue, I made dinner almost every night, we were just in our own little perfect world. We were planning on moving so I could go to school and get a better job, and so we would be closer to his family. All of it fit into the "perfect little plan".
We still love each-other and I'm not sure whether the time apart is making it seem more like friends or not. Sometimes I just don't feel like things are going to go back to being anywhere close to the way they were even though it's what we both want. I try to explain to him sometimes how I feel, but he is also very depressed with his boring lifestyle as a single father(work at 9, pick her up from daycare at 6, she's in bed by 7, TV until bedtime for him.{and all I can do is be jealous and mad because I wish my life was that simple, he might not have me, but at least he gets to spend every day with our daughter.}) It's very hard for him to understand where I'm coming from and not being able to talk to him in person makes it even more difficult.

Life is just getting too much for me, I cant handle everything anymore. Possibility of loosing my job, working 2 jobs, community service, probation, bogus charges for things I didn't do, DSS, Not being able to see my daughter or my fiance'. therapist who cant help me, It's too much for anyone.

I know it's a lot, I thank you very much for even taking the time to think about helping me, it's very much appreciative.
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[Jennifer]

Sorry to hear that you had to take a plea, sometimes they seem so good at the time, but then they do haunt you for the rest of your life as you say.

as far as your finance goes, i think that you are doing the best that you can. you have no energy left for anything or anyone right now so it is understandable that you can only see him as a friend because you don't have it in you to feel anything because you are so overloaded

you just need to keep the faith and remember your goal which you do and one day soon you will accomplish it.