Aftermath of abuse

[silent]

Hi

I was sexually abused when i was 7 and again 16-21. I suppose i worked through most of the pain, but i still realize that i'm damaged goods.

I am unable to have any intimate relationship with anyone, any sexual intimacy seems dirty. Therefore i don't date anyone, fearing that intimacy which eventually will come. A while back i snapped, and rejected EVERYONE, friends etc.
"Triggers" like a guy that may like me or a joke about sex makes me very depressed.
I used to physically cut myself, and recently i do think about that alot. The only reason i don't is because of all the unwanted attention, and misunderstandings i will attract. I am almost 27 now. I need help to deal with it, so that i can go on with my life.

What must i do to be normal again, to be healed..free..

Can anyone help me?

[Jennifer]

Hey
Welcome to the forums and hopefully you can gain some insight on how to feel okay about yourself. Did you actually do anything to help yourself heal or just decided that you were okay? Cutting is a very common coping skill associated with abuse and it gives a short release but very dangerous and it does not work.

Glad that you stopped cutting and trying to deal with what is going on. Do you have a support system again or still shutting people out?

[silent]

Thank you Jennifer.

No, i guess time and prayer helped me with the pain. Sometimes i feel lost but most of the time i'm fine.

I really need to actively start working through it,i don't think time and prayer will help me anymore.

Yes, the cutting worked for awhile.. but it is not worth it. The scars on my arms are a very depresing reminder. Something i have to hide for the rest of my life. People always want to know what happened!

I don't have a support system, but i'm not shutting people out.. they just don't know about my past.(I moved to a different city) I don't ever talk about it. I don't trust easily. People change towards you when they know..

I don't know where to start to fix it.. It is almost deep inside something blocking, i can't see a solution.

[Jennifer]

Starting cautiously is important because when you shut down and then open up, it can be hurtful to you.

How do you express yourself, writing, drawing, prayer? sure hope you do not give up your faith sounds as if your faith has gotten you through some tough times in your life.

Don't blame you for keeping to yourself and being wary about trusting others. This is not about starting to open up to everybody you know, more about opening up to yourself and being okay with who you are now as a person and letting the past go.

[silent]

My faith can be a topic on it's own.
In High School I didn't believe that God was good. And He worked with me in my spirit and I now know He is good, and righteous and He loves me (all his children).
Recently , my perceptions have been challenged, not about His love but about all the 'man made' rituals we tend to follow, without questionng it, and that we might be conditioned in a sense through our different backgrounds and cultures.
Almost like God is more than i thought He was.
Have you read "The Shack - William P Young" ?I thought this was a GREAT book.
I am rather confused. I can never give up my faith.. because the believe i have in God is real and no matter how much i try to deny it, or how depressed and hurt i feel, His love is still the same, that cannot change. He is who He is.

That being said..
God gave us a mind and body and soul, to think and choose for ourselves. To act. So i don't think prayer enough will help.

I do appreciate art. I even have oil paint and a canvas.. but absolutely no talent!!Lol I haven't finished a painting..i always paint over it again.
I don't really do anything creative to express my feelings. I am always afraid someone would read my writing. That just silly i suppose if other people can stand up and speak openly about it.. what's my problem? Maybe i still feel ashamed.. guilty.

It helps realizing that it is not about what other people know and think, but about what i feel and who i am.
It is really hard to let go of the past, it always stays part of you.

Why did you decide to do this counseling?
Thanx

[Jennifer]

I think that that it is okay to challenge your thinking and sometimes it makes you believe that you are thinking in the right way.

No the past doesn't go away and if you try to forget it, it just seems to be more of a burden than not.

Sounds as if you want to express yourself, do you blog? Might be a way to get your feelings out in a safe way.

Why did I get into counseling or start this forum? Counseling and me just go together, its easy and natural and I love helping others. This forum is necessary for all those that cannot afford therapy.

[silent]

I think you are a good counsellor, you stay objective, without being judgemental. I'm sure you already made a big difference in many lives.

No, i don't blog. I've tried to chat on chatrooms but it really aint for me. You aint sure who you really meet, and in the end it always seems to be about sex.. dating.

But i think to express myself might be good.. i will think of something.

[Jennifer]

thxs for the compliment trying blogging, yes chat rooms can be scary and misleading that is not something you want in your life right now or probably ever.

[silent]

Is there anything else you can recommend , i can do to deal with the past?

[Jennifer]

it needs to come out of you in a productive way so you can move forward with that. you are going to have to pick the method and start your healing. this is about you and how you feel about yourself. the more you get out, the easier it will be to interact with others and start living the way you want to.

[silent]

Well, this place is the only productive way i can think of . Speaking to you will be my method.

I am just not sure where to begin?

On the day of my parents divorce my brother and i had to stay with my uncle. I was 15 then. that's when he first abused me.
He is very subtle and manipulating and intelligent. Everybody loves and respects him. My mom was very hurt then, i didn't want to tell her/didn't think she would believe me. (Well, now i know she believes me.)His mindgames twisting way. Always

I remember once he managed to manipulate my mother(abuse wasn't even a thought to her) so that i can go and visit him. I remember we played chess and he beat me at every game. When evening came he just told me, he phoned my mother telling her that we are having such a lovely time and that i can spend the night he will take me home the following day. the next day till evening i just wanted to go home and i gave in.

He wasn't violent. therefore i feel abused everytime i'm in a relationship. I think i associate real 'loving' with abuse. Maybe to me it's the same thing. how do i make myself not feel that.. how do i descern between them? Even though i know in my mind it is suppose to be good and special. It never is.

[Jennifer]

oh yes he was violent, do not think for a minute that emotional abuse is any different than physical or sexual abuse. see the thing is that not everyone is like that, but if that is all you know and you tend to feel bad about yourself, then you will gravitate towards people such as him and keep on getting hurt.

[silent]

I never thought of it as emotional abuse..

How do i change that? How do i change anything?

[Jennifer]

with time and acceptance that you were not at fault and someone took advantage of you. you get to decide how to live now and that is up to you to decide.

[silent]

So i've already been doing everything that could possibly lead to my healing..