i'm back

[niccoleranae]

okay.
yeah my emotions are strong. i get really frustrated with myself when i don't want to feel a certain way and then i do feel like that.. it is like i try to change the way i feel and i should not do that.. i am going to have to except the way i feel.. but thats is all easier said than done. my feelings are really strong right now and i understand what is being said about all of this.. it's just really hard for me to figure out how to do it. and hard to figure out how i except these feelings that i have.

[Jennifer]

true, awhile back we talked about you writing things down to help you, what do you think of that?

[niccoleranae]

it does help a little bit.. i have a journal i write things in about my feelings and other things. but i have so many kids and family around all day long when i am feeling bad it's hard to write in at the time i want, because i can't write in front of my mom or b/f.. i don't know if i ever told you this before.. but my mom gets mad about the things i write about so i got to keep it super private.. she gets mad at me if i write how i actually feel some days. so i have been writing in cursive so they kind of can't read it.. i can't be to sloppy or i won't be able to read it over again. but that really hurts my feelings even more when i try to express my feelings at all to my parents or my b/f because they don't think i should feel that way about myself.. so i don't express my feelings to my mom very much.. only when i get mad at her which is alot.. or i am in a good mood.
it does help to write things down.. so i can read it over and see how dumb i was that day.. but i'm scared to write certain things down because it will be read.. and my b/f gets mad at me if i try to hide my journal because he thinks i'm hiding things from him.. which i'm not.. it's just like i told you.. my family don't get it. and it really hurts me even more when they yell at me because i feel a certain way. it makes it worse.. thats why therapy is my only option to help me get better.. there is just no one else in my life that can help me right now except for therapy.
so i am trying to write things down.. once i move out i think it will be alot easier.. w/ my b/f too because my mom gets him all worked up.. and makes him feel the same way she does. instead of hearing me out he listens to her, he thinks since she is my mom that she knows me better than anyone and she should know how i should feel.. it's like he will be okay with how i am feeling then my mom freaks out because i feel that way and he gets upset and sides with her.. he is just confused.. he wants to help me he just is confused because he don't know who to listen to.. or who is right or wrong.
i'm trying to do it right now though.

[Jennifer]

i can understand how they might get upset if you talk about how you feel about yourself, even if they give you grief, they care about you and it hurts to hear about such things from someone that you care about. easier to give them what they want and you work on yourself.

[niccoleranae]

i guess. thats why i am going to have to work on this on my own.. even though i wish they would understand the way i want them too..
this is why the people involved in my treatment did not want me to get back in a reltionship, because they told me it would be hard for anyone else to understand and they wanted me just to work on myself.
oh well.. i got back in my relationship with my b/f and now i know why they said it would be harder on me if i got back with him.. but i did, i love him.. it's just i have to show affection to so many other people, and i just hate myself. its not anyones fault.. it's like this nurse told me i have to love myself unconditionally before i can do it for anyone else i think thats some of the reason my reltionships are so messed up.

[Jennifer]

you might find when you are sober/not on any medications that you see people differently, happens all the time and the people that you were close to before you aren't anymore, not saying that this is going to happen but your b/f is used to one person and you are trying to change, he will accept the new you or won't, time will tell on that one.

[niccoleranae]

well he said he will stand by me through anything..
he likes me better sober.. we fought alot more over dumb things when i was high. but i am seeing alot more bad flaws in a lot of people.
i don't have much room to talk because i'm not perfect. but i hope he see's me diffrently in a better way..
i am still cutting and he does not like that, he and my family tell me that i spend so much time getting pretty and worrying about my body they don't understand why i would want scars all over it.. all i can tell them is that i am working on it and my eating problems.. i think i am getting better at understanding some things.. but it's like i get like this sometimes and i feel like theres not even anything a wrong with me.. but then it all comes back to me.. i just got to work on things..
like today i'm thinking i'm fine i don't need counseling i'm not that bad.. then i got to remember this is a part of whats wrong with me.. and i know once something upsets me really bad it's gonna be hard on me.. so yeah i got to stick it out and get through it no matter what.
and just have got to understand therapy is working for me. i know i'm gonna have alot more times where i'm gonna feel like i'm falling apart.
ya know if they would not have not of told me i was borderline. i don't think i would relize these things about myself. i mean it was really hard at first knowing that i have this.. but things are making more sense to me now. i know my feelings won't change, and i can't change them i can only change what i do to deal with them.. thats the hard part right now.. just learning to deal with them it's still does not make sense to me on dealing with my feelings the right way.. it might take a long time for this too.. i still get overwhelmed with my feelings.. i'm kinda doing better with other people though... i think i made the right decison on deciding i wanted my first counselor back, she does know what she is doing.. but you have helped her helping me too.. u have helped me alot too.

[Jennifer]

glad to hear about b/f and im sure you can get that it hurts them to see you cut. you will stop when your ready. therapy keeps sane people sane its the ones not in therapy we have to worry about

[niccoleranae]

yeah they get upset when i cut myself or hurt myself.
but thats not all they get mad about, when i try to tell them i am feeling a certain way before i even do all of this.. they still get mad at me. like it's just unexceptable to them that i should feel upset with myself. so it is like when i am feeling like i'm gonna do something bad to myself, theres not anyone there to talk to about it.. it's just like sometimes before i even do anything to myself i just get emotional or depressed my family tells me i should not be like that, and that really really makes it worse.. and that is why i hurt myself sometimes because they are telling me i should not feel that way when i am feeling that way.. and then i get mad because i think i have problems.. then it's like people in my treatment tell me it's okay to feel that way.. then my family tells me it's not okay.. so i have no idea which ones are right.. because i'm still having trust issues i don't know wheather to trust my counselor or not.. and my family is my family, they tell me how it is and supposed to be. what do you think, i mean it sucks.. i'm supposed to except my feelings right.. i am just confused about it right now.

[Jennifer]

your counselor is right, your family wants you to be a certain way and you are not there yet

[niccoleranae]

what are you talking about?
what if i don't want to be the way they want me too

[Jennifer]

thought your goal was to get better, no cutting eating dealing with your emotions, coping effectively so you don't have to go into the hospital again, you will be whomever you want to be, regardless of counseing or your family.

[niccoleranae]

it is to get better.
i didn't understand what you was just trying to tell me.

i do not want to be in the hospital again.. that is the last thing that i want. all the hospital did for me was drug me up and send me home, they did not help me.. and things just seem like they can't get any worse for me sometimes. i want to work on all of this. . some days are just really bad for me.
i don't want to change the part of me where i can feel for everyone so much anymore.. i want to change how I react to them. just its all hard for me to get when i should and should not react a certain way, because some one could be joking with me and say something mean and not really be serious and i take it seriously, even if i know they are joking, it just seems to me that a person should not say something like that if they didn't really mean it.. and no matter how much they tell me they didn't mean it.. i still in the back of my mind am hurt over it.. and i am trying to see where i react the wrong way and it's just like no matter how hard i try i still can act like i am over it but i still feel very hurt over it.

[Jennifer]

yes i get it, i was trying to tell you to listen to your counselor over your family. your family loves you but are not professionals and they don't know how to help you just want you to get well and your counselor knows what you need to do to get well.

[niccoleranae]

okay..
is that how it supposed to be
i mean i will listen to her, i want to listen to her.
i just feel bad that i'm gonna listen to her. . and i can't listen to my own mother.