i'm back

[Jennifer]

why the addiction treament in patient? what is that all about? sorry to hear about your mom and your boyfriend getting laid off. What are your thoughts on going into rehab? Might be a good way to get some relection time. How long will it be for?

[niccoleranae]

its outpatient atleast i think it is?
i don't feel so great about it. the treatment is bascially just a contract to sign over all my treatment options over to her. i will not be able to got prescriptions drugs or anything, and i have to comply with what she says then i get kicked out of the program.. i'm still not sure how all this works i will see tommorrow.. i'm just really scared about everything right now. . i don't know what i am going to do.. i know i am gonna sign it but i just don't want her to think she has total controll over what i do.. ya know.

have no idea? yeah isnt that nice they lay my boyfriend off 3 weeks before christmas what a nice gift for us huh..

i let u know what all this is all about.. she wants me to go to aa and anger managment group.. basically she wants me to be in group and if i sign the paper she will be able to me to.. and i will have to take a paper to aa have them sign it and give it back to her.

[Jennifer]

ok, let me know, i think group will be good for you.

[niccoleranae]

i don't know what she is doin honestly.
i have all these rules i have to comply with and shes not really telling me i have to do them shes leaving it up to me to decide? i think she is setting me up for failure.
she didn't even think i was going to sign it. she told me that.
the only reason that is because a real addict would not sign there selves up for something like that..

this is all draining me, i'm really frustrated with treatment, because i don't feel like i am getting better.. i'm getting really upset and frustrated in my sessions and it makes me mad at her... this is the reason i dropped out the last time. its really hard, and your probally not understanding but sitting in front of someone every week that you don't even trust, feel like your being challenged and thinking that they just are trying to get you to drop out of treatment so they don't have to deal with you. then you still like this person.. this is really difficult, only because i feel like i should not even want to be around her right now, and that i just need to get rid of her or its just gonna get worse. i know theres something a wrong with me.. i relize my impulses are all messed up.. this is all messin my head up.. like i am not functioning right. i am so confused about my life, my choices, my family, my boyfriend, and my treatment. .

i want to feel content with counseling if i am going to do it.. yaya the emotional part i know i will have it from time to time. but the confusion and frustrations got me.. i don't want to think about another person hating me on top of everyone else and leave there thinking and feeling worse.. and ur not gonna be able to get all of this because all of you have diffrent tecniques and methods so u have no clue what she is trying to accomplish... and neither do i.

i am getting worse with everything, and i don't want choices.. they suck.

[Jennifer]

i think all you can do is be as honest with her as possible. i think you are still in control of your treatment and she is letting you decide what you need to do. she is convinced that you are an addict and wants you to admitt that or so it seems. sometimes you have to go with what is being said. in the past how often would you be able to get upset with something and still continue such as treatment? i know its hard but you are making progress, you are not being impulsive here, you are being thoughtful and trying to make the right choices for yourself, to be that is all good

[niccoleranae]

i mean my impulses towards just quitting.
i just want to quit it all. i know that i will regret it though.

i do have a problem with benzos. but look.. the reason i take them is not because i am addicted to them.. its just if i get upset with myself or i'm getting really irrated.. i hurt myself because i get so frustrated and my stress level goes way beyond stress. if theres notthing there for me to do to take my mind off of things then i don't know what i would do. the drugs are just another way to hurt myself.. i don't get high for the pleasure of getting high. if i get fucked up its because i can't deal with myself anymore.

i just feel like really bad about everything right now. i cut my chest before i went to counseling yesterday. me and my mom has not been getting along at all.. anyways she must not of seen the cuts on my chest when i first went in because when she seen them she ask me if i just did that right then like i cut myself in her office. she ask me if i did it when she was not in the room. and i didn't. but she scared me when she ask me this.. i mean how in the hell would she think i would do something that fast. i just really don't care when she thinks i did it. anyways she freaked me out when she ask me this. because it caught me off gaurd, i mean it did not catch me off gaurd that she seen it.. it caught me off gaurd that she thought i just did it right there..
she just thinks she knows everything, she didn't even think i would sign that paper.. that makes me mad she did not think i would of signed that..
because i did think about it before i made a decison and i know if i was really addicted i would have not signed the paper.. so she must think i am addicted.
i am gonna do this, she just challenged me.. she thinks i will fail, i won't.
i tell her the truth about everything, i thought about this too. there is no point in even lying in treatment seriously what would be the point, i won't get better that way.. because if i would lie there would be problems i'm trying to work on that don't exsist.. so i can't lie. this is what makes it hard too.. theres no way around the truth, especially with this.. so even when i don't want to tell the truth its still there.. theres some things i don't want others to know about my life. so when i do have to tell it.. it sucks really bad and i can't describe the feeling to you.. its not a good feeling..

[Jennifer]

how did you two deal with the cutting? what was the outcome. remember treatment and getting better is for you and your life, your counselor is just a small part in this, you are in control of who you are and what you do.

[niccoleranae]

it was dropped as soon as i told her it was done at home. and thats how it was delt with.

i know that i am in controll of what i do, everyone is.
yep i have a problem with coping with my problems the right way.
all of this is really hard on me i don't care what anyone thinks about that.. could be worse. i could be doing worse things to myself..

its getting better than it was.

[Jennifer]

that's the way to think. i believe that the only things you can control is how you act and how you react the rest you have to learn how to accept.

[niccoleranae]

your right about that.
thats what they keep telling me that i have got accept my feelings. and thats really hard, and learning how to react to them the right way.

i mean this is really hard.. i just don't understand how i can accept these feelings. when they are not feelings i want to have. and the way i react to them is totally uncalled for.. i take responsiblitity for that. but i'm still continuning to react the wrong way.. and its my fault i do it. i know this. i'm just trying to figure out what my problem is.. and why i continue all of this. its just when i get to the point about cutting, i get so mad and upset that i just do it to myself, and don't care at the moment.

well the women called me yesterday about the apartment, and i will have it next month for sure.

[Jennifer]

you are very hard on yourself. i don't always react the way that I want to and I know what i should but sometimes emotions get in the way of what we should do. the trick is to learn from it and move on so next time you do react better.

glad to hear about the apartment.

[niccoleranae]

i get what your saying, thats how it sounds it should be.
i am learning but
the moving on part.. yeah that is not going so well for me right now.

i do know that i am not always reacting the way that i want to either..
sometimes i do want to hurt myself really bad and i don't i try to distract myself from it.
then there are times that i don't want to hurt myself, i end up doing it and hating every minute of it... that i think is good that i am hating it sometimes, its worse that way though.. but eventually. i will probally start hating it all together and get sick of it... because i do hate it..
i just got to learn how to deal with my emotions internally first.. its still gonna suck.. but i need to do that first. then i can work on accepting my feelings.. because its just not working right now.

[Jennifer]

that is why no matter how hard therapy is you need to keep on going so you can figure out all this stuff.

[niccoleranae]

i will

[Jennifer]

good