i'm back

[Jennifer]

didn't say it was easy and didn't say to get over it, said it was more difficult for you than for most and you need to learn the skills to cope when you start to get upset.

[niccoleranae]

well i'm not learning the coping skills effectivley right now.
thats what i was trying to tell you.. i don't see my counselor until the 4th..
thats why i'm talkin to you to atleast give me something to do until i see her and see what she tells me, like it's gonna automatically help me anyways. i know its gonna take time.

like i'm litterally freakin right now and i don't know what to do.. i'm really stressed.. and it's makin me mad right now.. i was deppressed this morning and i had to deal with a house full of my relatives and kids today, and my family is big.. and now i'm just really.. whats the word? on the edge.

they have me on triliptal for my mood swings and i'm seriously thinking about quitting it.. its not helping my moods at all.. my anxiety level is way to high and they took me off my xanax because i over dosed on them, and they put me on vistorol and thats not working either.. the only thing i have noticed working is the strattera, it helps me focus sometimes but right now i can't even think right to focus because i'm so stressed, and upset.. i don't know what to do with myself. its so hard and i wish i could just click my fingers and it be gone... anything to take it away.. but i can't and i don't know what to do..

my boyfriends telling me he still loves me.. and i don't know what i'm gonna do about it right now..
i'm still worried about my body, i have so much goin through my head right now..

i'm litterally trying to write this all to you and i keep just putting my head down with my hands on my head and i can feel my hands just shaking.. i took two vistorol to see if it will help, i don't think its gonna help me.. i quit smoking weed for my treatment plan almost a month ago.. i don't want any cause it makes everything worse.. but it's just really hard, i'm trying so hard.. i just keep smoking ciggarette after ciggarette hoping to calm my nerves down..and know one understands..

i took my restirol i hope it starts wearing me down so i can atleast get some sleep.. i just have a feeling tonight even with sleeping medication i'm gonna be tossing and turning tonight.. just from experience.

i see the psych tuesday, for the first time.. but i'm only gonna talk to him about my meds.. i don't talk with any man about my personal problems i don't care if hes my doctor or not thats why i wish my old doctor would have never left.. i could talk to her..

eeehhh i'm just really upset right now and everything has calmed down everyone is in bed.. but i'm still freakin.. i hate this, it makes me wanna cry because i don't know what to do.. i'm sorry i know u can't really help me out that much i wish you could but you can't.. i can't talk to anyone else they don't understand why i'm feeling this way they just tell me to calm down when i can't

and i will not call crisis.. i will not do it!

[Jennifer]

if you need to call crisis then do it, better to call then to end up in the hospital. i know you think that cigarrates calm you down but they actually have the opposite affect. nicotine is the main ingredient/drug in them and they ramp up your mood but make you feel better because you are feeding the drug.

i would recommend not changing any meds until you talk to your doc and if you are self medicating then you should see if you can get an earlier appt because that is unsafe for you.

you and your mood are the priority here, not your boyfriend so he is going to have to wait for you to get stable and figure out who you are before you can be with him or anyone. you have so much stuff to work through.

[niccoleranae]

i don't know.. i still love him. he's the father of my kids.
i have smoked since i have been 15.. so i'm addicted to ciggarettes..

i understand everything that you saying, i don't know why i put myself in these shoes.. over and over again.. if i'm not with my b/f i make the dumbest decisons.. and if i don't get back with him tonight i'm just going to get drunk and make one of stupidest decisons sexually..

he is supposed to keep the kids tonight, so i will be all by myself.. and i know i'm gonna want to get drunk and try to have fun.. and i don't want to get all messed up and make a decison that i regret.. it will definatly make everything worse right now.. i will act on my sexual impulses especially if i'm mad.

even if i'm not going to get drunk.. i'm afraid i will still make the same decison..

calling crisis and telling them how i actually feel.. will be a slap in the face. .. they know i act on my impulses with the snap of the finger.. they will send someone here, or they will want me to get my mom on the phone. like i told u i'm walking on thin ice right now.. i can't afford to take the chance right now.

i'm so confused right now.. i'm not self medicating, i just feel like the mood stablizer is messing my body up even more.. i don't know what i am going to do.. because i don't know what to do.

and i know therapy is all about choices.. i just keep making the wrong ones! thats why i'm gonna try to stick it out with this counselor.. so i can get further in treatment.. even if i get mad i got to try.. because i just keep messing my treatment all up!

[Jennifer]

yes you do have the knowledge to do the right thing, you know yourself well enough to know what will happen tonight, you have to choose the right thing not the wrong thing. i know its not easy but you have to put yourself in the situation where you can only choose the right thing. is there anything/anyone you can hang with tonight?

[niccoleranae]

ya but what good are they.. they all do drugs. or drink.

i just got back with my boyfriend.. i know i know
i still love him...

i don't want anyone to get mad at me over the decison i made.. because they think it is wrong and i think its right.. i'm only trying to be honest with you.. so u can help me out a little..

i know i'm gonna be called difficult or hard to deal with.. so just say now if you think i am.

[Jennifer]

didn't get the story of why you to weren't together in the first place. right now you need to do everything you can to stay sane if you think he is right for you then so be it. did you ever go to the doc to get birth control?

[niccoleranae]

the story is way to complicated and personal to put on a forum.. lets say i just did something really wrong with are reltionship and totally fucked up i hurt alot of people emotionally, my boyfriend and alot of other people . so its really personal to just put on here.

no i missed my appointment i'm gonna have to reschedule it.. it was for like a week ago.. and i was in the hospital..so i couldn't really do anything about it. i'm gonna call monday.

wow.. i can't beleive you just told me to do everything i can to stay sane.. u really think i'm that messed up huh

[Jennifer]

no, i do everything i can to stay sane everyday and it sounds like you have stressors in your life. staying sane means picking what you want to work on that day and then putting everything else aside for awhile.

[niccoleranae]

okay sorry i'm snappy.
ya i do have alot of stressors. i'm gonna have to work on them harder.. and like you said i'm gonna have to put myself in the shoes where i have to make the right choice, especailly when it comes to my daughters.. and they love their dad

i know that it probally was not a good idea to get back with my b/f because i'm not that stable.. but he knows all of this and he's trying to help me and understand.. and i love him, he loves me.. he is being supportive about my treatment now more than ever because he knows that i need it.. and i'm relizing what i got to do for myself..

like i'm trying to really be honset with u i can tell that u either are a counselor or u was one or something because everything your telling me makes sense + u sound just like my counsleor.. so your helping me out a little especially when it comes to following my treatment plan..

soo.. this is honsety..
i did go out last night and i got messed with my b/f.. its his only day off of work.. and i wouldn't drink with him.. but i did smoke the synthetic marijuana.. we didn't have the kids, his parents kept them..
anyways when i was smoking it i litreally felt so bad about myself like i was letting everyone down... and i mean before all of this hospital shit went down... me and my b/f was smokin this shit on a daily basis.. i was addicted..
now i just litterally feel like i want to quit.. i mean its okay to have fun on friday for me cause i don't have my kids.. but i put the shit under my bed hidden away and i'm never never gonna smoke it until my kids are gone on friday again... and i don't even know if i'm gonna do that because i felt really really bad about it last night.. and my b/f is even thinking about quitting it all now... cause are kids are way more important.

its just gonna take some time for us to relize what to do on the weekends when we don't have the kids because we are so, especially him.. uset to getting messed up on friday and everyone around us.. is all partiers on weekends..
and hes doin good with alchol to he only drinks on friday nights. cause he works all week.. and his job is more important. and he has got to be able to pass drug tests if they pop up..
so its only friday..

like i told you before.. i probally would have done something even more dumb if i was by myself on friday.. i'm so fun to be around and litterally will do anything to impress anyone.. he keeps me from doing all of this stupid stuff with my impulses..

but, today is good.. were both staying away from all dumb people and taking are little girl to the fair.. and were gonna have good time.. without the synthetic shit.. we both still have problems to work on in are reltionship inculding him.. i probally saved him.. i guess when i was in the hospital he was doing all kinds of bad drugs.. and he only drinks on fri. and smokes the synthetic stuff when hes with me.. he said his freinds pressure him when hes got money.. and he does like doing all of that.. and thats not the person he is.. he's bettering his self for me too.. he does not hang around his freinds when were together its just me and him and my family.. (he's an only child).

i just really need to get him in counseling so it helps him better.. but hes says he can do it on his own..

but i am relizing alot more now.. i'm more productive when it comes to things that need to be done.. through the week.. and he works all week from noon till like 3 in the morning.. and its right down the road from us.. so i'm doing better today anyways.. i'm happy today.. i just don't know how my mood swings are gonna work out now.. i'm sure theres gonna be days when i can't handle it again..

i just really have to talk to my counselor about all of these issues.. especially about friday and all of that.. but like you said my b/f has got to relize i got to work on all my issues first.. so i can be better.. for my kids and him.. and he's being helpful about all of that right now.. i guess we'll see how the week goes.

and i know i probally just brought alot more problems on myself by getting back with him.. but i would of had to deal with all of these problems some time or another.. i'm just gonna have to face it all.. and deal with my choices.. even if it was the wrong one.. atleast with this choice i knew what was gonna happen so i could deal with it better. instead of making a choice that i would of regreted and not payed any attention to the consequenses..
so thnx..

i'm relizing.. and i know that theres gonna be harder things to deal with thats probally gonna pop up again that i'm still gonna need work on.. i just hop i can deal with it all better and not try to kill myself..
like u said i still have many many problems and skills i got to learn.. and i know i'm happy today.. but tommorow could be totally worse.. just gotta learn the coping skills.

[Jennifer]

sounds like a good way to look at it

[niccoleranae]

today started off as a good day anyways.
i don't think i can be helped. i don't wanna keep letting you know when i feel like i keep goin through problem after problem.. because i'm starting to feel like a problem..
i don't know whats wrong with me.. i just feel like i'm fucking up again.. and i'm ruining everything for myself when i was doin good

i'm only gonna waste your time with issues over and over again.. thats why i get no where in treatment.

[Jennifer]

what is it that you want me to say to that. treatment only works if you work it, if you have that belief then you are right, it will not work for you, you have problems and you are trying to work on them that is enough for now

[niccoleranae]

i want treatment to work for me.

i quit taking the mood stablizer.. and u even reconmended that i not do that. i just am confused..
i'm stuck..

is this even normal for me when i just started treatment..
like i don't really know what i'm asking for from you.. i don't know how to put it. have you ever even seen anyone do the kind of things that i do and start getting better with time..

i just don't know if i am expecting to much change to happen..
or i'm not letting anything change

i just can't describe to u.. cause i'm wanting treatment to work for me..
is it supposed to be this hard..
why do i keep making this difficult.. like the doctors told me that it will take a while to start seeing change

i don't know, i can't describe what i'm asking.. i don't know..
i just don't want anybody involved in my treatment just to give up on me.. or i'll give up on myself.

[Jennifer]

let your doctor know you stopped taking the medication. everyone has to choose how to succeed. if you want it to work then you have to make the effort. your counselors/doctors even family they cannot do it for you, you are the only one that cannot give up.