i'm back

[Jennifer]

yes you can learn from her, what she said is similiar to what i said and she is right on with her comment. glad you found a good one

[niccoleranae]

is there a diffrence in if i would go to a psychiatrist and get meds prescribed to me.. then just like a family doctor? just for my symptoms?

[Jennifer]

yes, family doctor should not be prescribing your meds, doesn't know enough about it, not there area of expertise.

[niccoleranae]

well i went to my family doctor today. he is prescribing my meds.. only ones for anxiety and depression.. he said he can't prescribe the mood stablizer that i would have to go to a psychiatrist for that... but i told him i did not want to be on mood stablizers.. so he just prescribed me what i ask for.

[Jennifer]

okay, are you going to take them as prescribed? is this somethig that you discussed with your therapist?

[niccoleranae]

yep i told her i was going to see the doctor. didn't tell her what for. she thinks i have an addiction problem.. but she probally knows why since she had to bring up how well i was doing not on meds.. she does not know how well i am doing, i tell her some things in my life i don't tell her everything.. so how could she possibly know i am doing okay without them.
i don't need to tell her what i am going to do anyways, it's my choice, i'm not breaking the law, i will take them as prescribed.
my heads been bottled up really bad.. i needed something to help calm me down. i can't sleep very well these past couple days and i was sleeping good i have bears that i sleep with and i washed them in snuggles fabric softner.. and putting them up to my face helped me sleep, well these past couple days i will fall asleep for like an hour, and wake up because the bear is not there, so i will look for it.. and when i find it usually on my floor.. i don't even want it beside me anymore.. then i can't fall back asleep.. i'll do this for a couple days sleep for only a couple hours a night then the next few days i'm exaussted.
having trouble concentrating, can't drive right. then my anxiety starts freakin out.. then i strat having bad thoughts and cutting.. then i'm depressed and don't want to do notthing.. and everyone thinks i hate them which makes it even harder.. i don't know i'm in the stuck thing again.. so i had to get on something to try and help or i'll go crazy.

[Jennifer]

okay, i'm not against medication as long as its helping stablize your mood. hope you get some sleep tonight

[niccoleranae]

well i do not think it is going to stablize my mood. it will help calm me down. when i'm feeling really stressed. .
never said you were against medication, only if you abuse them right

[Jennifer]

correct, if you have something going on that only medication can help, such as high blood pressure, you take high blood pressure medications, the same for this, there is nothing wrong with it as long as they are taken for the right reasons.

[niccoleranae]

what if they are taken for the wrong reasons according to you.
what if its the right reasons according to the person taking them.

[Jennifer]

not sure, you tell me what are the right reasons to you?

[niccoleranae]

some people think things are okay, while others may not.

people that buy pills of the street, mainly buy them to abuse or because they have no insurance to get them. they might think that this okay, but other people are sickened by it. they get a drug test they fail, they pay the consequence. no matter why they was taking them. they was wrong.
i get them prescribed. i don't have to answer to anyone about that, and will have no consequences to pay for taking them. there in my system regardless how many i take.. i have that right, they are mine.. no one can tell me that i am abusing them(not saying i will) how would they know, they gonna drug test me. what i'm supposed to be taking is in my system. but the reason is i can thats my choice, not going too.. but who can say i'm doing wrong. right reason to me.. can't be wrong reason to anyone to anyone else they can't prove me wrong...

[Jennifer]

lots of people abuse drugs that are prescribed to them, actually more people abuse prescribed meds than on the street.

[niccoleranae]

i know.
they can't get in trouble through a piss test.
so its not wrong to them like it is the others.
because they have a bottle with there name on it.

your missing my point anyways.
i said it is my choice if i would decide to abuse them. the reason is choice, and no one could be wrong on if i was or wasn't abusing them, i'm allowed to have them in my system.
not saying this is what i will do. but, taking them the right way.. who knows really if i do or don't.

u want my reasons for thinking this way, i feel like i was trying really hard with out meds and was getting somewhere with all of this, then i was sitting in deep thought to relize reality and how i only have myself, thats how it is gonna be forever.. and i hate me. . and i try to love, when i try to love i get hurt.. no one could ever love someone like me.. i can't even love myself.. i have to listen to these thoughts in my head all day.. and i feel like i have been stripped down and locked inside my room and i don't even deserve to have covers on myself and i'm just shivering.. and its gonna be like this forever.. i'm always gonna feel like this. thats my reason... i know i know theres not much you can say to that.. theres not much anyone or myslef can say either.

[Jennifer]

just sharing my view point with you. i'm glad that you are back on meds, you are trying so hard but you cannot get rid of those thoughts yourself, you need the meds to help you. once they are gone you can try to learn how to prevent them from coming back but you are doing what you need to do and I think that is great!